4dp2dt: wish I could fast forward a week

I know I need to give embie time to get snuggled in and grow. I wish I could pull a sleeping beauty move and go to sleep until my appointment next Friday. I've never actually seen sleeping beauty - how sad is that.

I'm sat here in the law library. I want so badly to be in my bed, so this'll be short.

Symptoms:
Still heavy boobs - thanks meds
Still slight cramping, not as bad as yesterday
Still weeing like a racehorse
Bloating - like nobody's business

Again, all of this is because of the meds, but I still like to keep track. I have the memory of a goldfish and I want to be able to look back on all of this and have it make sense... or not.

3dp2dt: Long, rough day

When I woke up today, it was raining... I looked over at DH and said "this would be a good day to stay home."I was right. Rainy days are always good days to stay home.

So, after yesterday's fiasco with having to carry my 90lb bag (do you like how many times I've changed the weight of the bag??) I woke up with cramping. The left ovary was cramping, bu I also had a general cramping. At times it felt like period cramps and then at other times, it felt like the cramps you get after you drink a gallon of water, then run... okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, but you get my drift.

Either way, I have been using the bathroom every 10 minutes and I am so tired!

None of these are pregnancy symptoms, since it's only day 5dpo. They're just general "you need a day off" symptoms. So, I skipped school. I really hate skipping school... primarily because law school is so expensive, but secondly because it's so dense, so to miss a day is to miss a lot. However, I am listening to my body and I know I needed the rest.

On another note, implantation can happen any time between today and Friday. Fingers crossed in a big way. Stick li'l bean, stick!!!!

Symptoms:
bloating
cramping
sharp pain near ovaries
gas ~ sorry, tmi
heavy breasts, while not as sore

I'm pretty sure they're all related in some way to the meds... I just can't prove it!

P.s. My aunt asked my sister yesterday if I'm pregnant. I haven't told anyone IRL about this except a law friend, dh and my sister. My sister asked her why she thought that and my aunt said "I don't know, I just feel it". Then today, said aunt said she had a dream about triplets last night. Hopefully, she's right about the pregnancy. I DOUBT it would be triplets, but a singleton sure would be nice... take that, universe!!! Good vibes!

2dp2dt

Blah... today was a pretty craptastic day. I felt pulled in a million directions and there is absolutely no way to navigate the vast subway system without picking up my 70 lb. bag, somehow. I wonder how literal the doctor was being when he said not to carry anything > 5lbs. Did he mean not to even carry it down 5 steps? Because, honestly, it's rough.

I got to class 15 minutes late, partially because I had to use a different entrance to the school, the other part because I had to wait for the ONE student elevator in the law school and then because I encountered about 7 stairs that I had to go down to get to my classroom door. Once I got to the door, I realized that if I went to the back, I would have to carry the bag BACK UP another set of stairs. So, I stood outside of the classroom door listening for a pause, at which point I slipped into the front and sat in the first available seat.

In the back of my head, I know carrying a bag does not interfere with implantation, but I want this to work so badly, I am going to do whatever the doctor asks of me.

On a happier note, tomorrow is "implantation" day. I actually read today that it could be between days 5 and 7. I have been trying to stay away from the internet!

Symptoms:
The dull throbbing in the left ovary has changed to a constant throbbing with sharp pains
heavy breasts, again. For this reason, I am loving progesterone and estradiol. I've never had breasts before (outside of my last pregnancy) and I'm pleased with them!

Anyway, I am going to listen to some music and try to relax... today was a whirlwind day and I'm glad it's over!

LAW

1dp2dt: symptoms

I don't want to be "that person" who blogs every twinge or weird feeling. However, I do want to make sure I document everything since this is my first IVF cycle. So, with that in mind, please bear with me!

While the doctor said bed-rest was not necessary, he did say to "take it easy" and specifically  mentioned not to do any heavy lifting.  This proved to be a problem for me because I'm a law student and I have a rolling backpack that weighs more than I do. It's nice to have a roller. It's not nice when a good portion of NYC is not handicap accessible - particularly subways. So, I had to walk to school today. I am probably over-thinking this, but had I taken a cab, I'd have had to lob my bag into it somehow. The train station near work does not have an elevator, so I walked. It took me just about 35 minutes and I'm thinking it's something I should do more often. I usually take the subway, not out of laziness, but because it's faster than walking. I'm sure it wouldn't matter if I lifted my bag (which is super heavy, btw), but I'm not chancing it.

On to symptoms...
tender breasts - side effect of the progesterone
cramping - at the site of the retrieval - residual

So, nothing for now. It's still very early. Is it crazy that I'm calling Wednesday implantation day? Fingers crossed!

Some of you have sent me messages. I will respond to all of them tomorrow. I had a huge assignment due today and I want to make sure I give them all the attention they deserve!!! Thank you for reading!

The little embie that could...

So, as I mentioned this morning, the clinic did not call to tell me to come in. Since it's an hour away, I headed out at 10am, anyway. I got there a little early, with DH and my sis in tow. When the nurse called me in, I saw a wrist-band on the table. That was a good sign! It meant I was going to have a procedure done! Wooo hooo... There was this picture on the table - the same one from above.

The nurse said something along the lines of the embie looking great and being ready to do the procedure and that there was one woman ahead of me. I disrobed, put my things in my locker, then went to the waiting room and grinned like nobody's business. It was happening!

There was one other woman waiting there, who I came to know had traveled all the way from Madrid to have her procedure done. She was also transferring one embryo, but hers was a day 4 transfer. This was said entirely in Spanish because she spoke no English! She was very nice, though and we parted with mutual "buenas suertes"wishes.

The procedure was really quick (10 minutest tops). The doctor was really nice and explained everything, talking along the way. He said the procedure went well and wished me luck. When it was all over, I wanted to lie there for 3 days to make sure it stuck. In reality, I know that's not how it happens, but I just wanted to take every precaution imaginable.

I went to the recovery room where, even though I had just used the bathroom not more than 20 minutes before, I could not contain myself. I spent the entire time shaking my legs and was quite relieved when the nurse came in.

The nurse handed me my instruction sheet... nothing in the vaginal cavity, no bubble baths, no tampons, keep taking the progesterone and estradiol and come back on 3/8/13 for the blood test. She also gave me an HCG injection which she said they believe helps with implantation. Fingers crossed!

So, there you have it, folks! I have to go back next Friday! I am so honored to have made it this far. I really am. This is the day I was told would never happen just a short 13.5 months ago. It has really been a fantastic experience so far and I can't wait to share more of my journey.

LAW

On our way to get our embie...

Our procedure is at 11:45. The clinic told me yesterday that they would call me back this morning and they haven't. However, since I was already confirmed (twice) for 11:45, I am just going to go in.

I have been up since roughly 4:30/5. I have a ton of crap to do later today - namely finish up the final touches on my brief. I can't think of anything but this embie, though!

Fingers crossed that I'll have wonderful news later on today!!!

LAW

We have an embie!!!

That's not mine in the picture! Hahaha...

The lab called this morning to tell me that the egg fertilized (thank you for all the positive thoughts/vibes/etc.)

Transfer is tentatively scheduled for tomorrow morning at 11:45am.

This is happening, folks!

That's all I can write. I have to finish this legal brief!

LAW - love always wins!

Retrieved an egg today...

This morning, I woke up at 4am! Nerves? I'm not sure. We had an egg retrieval appointment at 8:00. Dh and I got there early and I tried to busy myself in the waiting area.

I went in for the sonogram, first, to make sure the follicle was still there. And it was - measuring a nice, plump 21mm! The doctor (a new woman I've never seen before) said my lining was good, which was comforting. I told her that if the egg fertilized, I want a fresh transfer for this cycle - not frozen.

Next was the procedure room. My instructions for retrieval day were to not wear anything with perfume - no lotion, deodorant, etc. I can survive a morning without deodorant, but I cannot survive a morning without lotion. When I changed into my hospital gown, it looked like I had fallen into a vat of flour. All for a good cause!

I felt more pain at this retrieval than I felt at the one almost exactly a year ago (2/28, I think??) But, they got the egg and Dh made his contribution, so we are just waiting. We should hear by tomorrow at 3pm whether it's viable or not. If it is viable, they will do the embryo transfer on Sunday morning at 11:45.

In the interim, I am taking progesterone suppositories 2x daily and estradiol (2mg per day).

I felt on top of the world after the procedure. I went to the mall and bought a ton of girly clothing. Since my hormones have been regulated, I've felt more like "dressing up" and accessorizing.

I'll follow up tomorrow to let you know the news from the doc!

Keep crossing those fingers!!!

Appointment results from yesterday

So, at my sonogram yesterday, there was a 15.5mm follie. I couldn't believe it! Last Friday, there were two - 4mm and 7mm, natch both on the left ovary. However, I didn't expect 15.5mm. The follie from last year did NOT grow that quickly. This is a good sign.

After my appointment, I got the following mail (truncated):

-----------------------------

Please confirm receipt of email

Hope this email finds you well. Dr. Yang reviewed your test result today and below is your medication instructions.

Blood test result:

Estradiol (E2):245

FSH:8

Luteinizing hormone (LH):11

Progesterone (P4): 0.3

As per MD, your hormone level shows that your LH is elevated. Elevated LH means that you are starting to surge on your own. Possible egg retrieval tomorrow IF the follicle is still there._ Please try to be here at 7am tomorrow for STAT blood and ultrasound.

No Nasal Spray tonight. 

-------------------------------

What a way to scare me!!! I leave the clinic talking about possibly triggering that night and get an email about coming in the very next day (today) for an egg retrieval. This train was moving at 200mph. 

So, DH and I went this morning, but the egg retrieval wasn't necessary. My LH was only 8 today - so no spike. However, my E2 levels were slightly lower - 240. Of course the crazy-lady in me hit the internet right away to see if that was a harbinger, but the sites I read seemed to think it was okay.

I am really hoping that it doesn't signify a decrease in egg quality. I asked the nurse what the E2 drop meant and she said it could mean that the egg is done maturing. 

So, I have to trigger with the nasal spray tonight. $80 nasal spray! $80 nasal spray that I had at home and DH threw away... I digress...

I have another appointment tomorrow morning and they will most likely schedule egg retrieval for Friday morning.

I haven't been to work all week because of school work, but it all works out for my appointments. It also helps that school is right around the corner from the clinic.

Please send vibes for a healthy egg retrieval, if you've got any vibes to spare!!!

If you surrender to the wind...

There is a quote by Toni Morrison that I have just been loving...

"If you surrender to the wind you can ride it" - Toni Morrison

sur·ren·der (s -r n d r). v. sur·ren·dered, sur·ren·der·ing, sur·ren·ders. v.tr. 1. To relinquish possession or control of to another because of demand or compulsion.

In my foolish youth, I saw surrender as such a dirty word! Nik doesn't surrender... she prevails... against the obstacles, against the odds.

However, I am a firm believer that you have everything within you, RIGHT NOW, to be everything you will ever need to be. 

It wasn't until I met DH that I realized there is some strength in surrender. There is some strength in having a bit of vulnerability. 

Life and love are a beautifully-orchestrated dance where sometimes it's just not your turn to lead...

If you surrender, the strength of something else can propel you. If you fight, you are not propelled as far AND you'll be worn out. 

Today I am surrendering. I am surrendering to the legal brief that desires completion. I am surrendering to the clinic making a last-minute decision to not retrieve my egg today, but wait until Friday. I am surrendering to the  desire to just take a minute for myself and to steal a couple of deep breaths and quiet time without feeling guilty.

I will ride it...

LAW

I've never met a wagon I didn't love...

And, just that quickly, I am back on the "TTC" wagon.

So, let me take a step back... and by back, I mean late December. With the year drawing to a close, I realized I still had roughly $1k in my medical spending account. My account, like many, is one of those "use it or lose it accounts". I could have let the money go to waste, but I decided to book whatever doctor appointments we would routinely have in the spring. I booked the dentist for the three of us, the optometrist and... there was still money left over... even after I bought a pair of glasses.

Well, if you'd ever paid attention to my other posts where I lamented about the cost of infertility treatments, you know that going back to the clinic was a quick way to spend some cash.

I went back, initially, to get more HRT/BCP... and, who am I kidding? I wanted to know what my FSH levels were since the night sweats were back in full force.

Naturally, they put me on the BCP right away. They wanted me to take two pills a day. I did and went for my weekly visits and at some point my FSH went down to 6 and they told me to stop. However, when I stopped, my FSH went back up to 25. So, they told me to go on, again... and something happened. I got the flu and couldn't make it in. However, I kept taking the BCP thinking that once I was over my bug, I would go in. Well, that stabilized my FSH. Once they took me off again, it didn't go back up.

Now, at that point, they were only doing bloodwork. There weren't any numbers to indicate that a follicle was growing, so they didn't give me a sonogram. FSH was stable enough (at a high 21, but stable nonetheless) but I wasn't growing a follie.

Then I got the dreaded mail. It went something like "if something doesn't happen soon, we're going to bring you in to discuss further treatment with the doctor". I was crushed! PLEASE... don't give up. Just wait a little bit and give a follie a chance to grow.

So, I went in on Valentine's day. How un-romantic. They normally draw my blood and tell me they'll email me later, but they told me to stay for a sonogram. A sonogram! And I saw it... right on the screen... two little follies. One measuring 7mm and one measuring 4mm. I'll take it!

I shared the news right away with DH and my sister. I spent the weekend trying not to do anything wrong... no coffee (although I did have wine) and just generally stayed under the radar.

Today I went back. There's a 15.5mm follie! The doctor said "this is like waiting for a bus... we have to make sure we catch it on time." I have also been instructed to carry my nasal spray with me because "you may have to trigger at any time".

If you are in the finger crossing business, please cross them... if meditation is your thing, please spare a thought... if you love candles, please light one... Whatever you do, please stand with us in solidarity to get this little follie to his/her rightful home...

Thanks for reading... and remember, LAW - love always wins...

So hard to say goodbye...

After my last post, I'd gone under the radar for a bit. Part of it was the end of the first semester of law school, which brought with it a ton of "to-do" items. The other part of it was being in super-aunt planning stealth mode! I was awaiting the arrival of my youngest sister's baby. The baby was due on 1/4/13 and I put in my bid for 12/21 so that baby and I could be birthday buddies.

On my birthday, my sister and I both took the day off and we were traipsing around the city. We had errands to run, but my sister was also feeling huge and heavy and wanted to "walk the baby out"! I even joked about giving my sister pitocin cookies to get things started.

Three days later, things were carrying on as normal. My sister had her annual Xmas eve party and baby was the center of all the jokes that imagined my sister in the hospital on Xmas day. My sister continued to insist that she thought the baby would come on the 4th of Jan.

On Xmas day, we awoke, went to my mom's house and opened gifts per the norm. My sister remarked that the baby, "Boo" as she was affectionately called, was active the night before. She felt a weird jolt and asked me to feel her stomach. When I felt her stomach, she felt a snapping sensation and rushed to the bathroom! "My water broke!" I couldn't believe my ears... the baby was coming on Xmas.

Excitement, anticipation, you name it and the air was thick with every emotion. My husband packed up the car and my sister and I went to grab a couple of last minute things from her house.

We phoned her husband and told him to make his way to the hospital PRONTO - he was off visiting family in a different part of the city.

The next hour is a blur... we checked in... the nurses told me I had to wait in the waiting room while they checked my sister (sure, pretty typical... no worries)... I waited and made small talk with the other visitors... then the nurse came and got me...

"Well, you can go ahead and sit with your sister. We were trying to find the baby's heartbeat and we couldn't, so the doctor is going to come in and check..."

Crafty baby! Turn around... stop hiding! It's Xmas... come and get your birthday song!

As I walked into the makeshift tent, I tried to forget what the nurse had just said. INCREDIBLE... I don't believe you! Get a doctor in here... he's going to find the baby's heartbeat.

Then the doctor came....

And I saw...

right on the screen... I saw a little spine... and I saw a heart... and I believe I saw chambers, but don't quote me... and it was still... quiet... peaceful.

And I squeezed my sisters hand. And the nurse started crying... she looked to my sister and I. And we looked at each other in disbelief. We came to have a baby! Where is our baby!!!??? What's next?

On December 26, 2012 at 11:52am, my sister delivered the most beautiful baby girl I have ever laid eyes on. Boo! She had the warmest, sweetest-smelling skin... and her lips were RUBY RED! Xmas baby with red lips. I never knew a heart-break like the one I knew that day.

My sister.... strongest woman on earth, in my estimation. In the midst of the curve-ball life had thrown at her, she turned to me and said... "go ahead... pick her up!"

Thank you for sharing your baby with me! I was so honored. She could have taken all of those moments to herself since she knew exactly how finite they were... but she shared Boo with me. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

The most beautiful little soul... she embodied everything that is perfect in this world. She brought to mind a Roberta Flack song....

The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes And the moon and stars were the gifts you gave To the dark and the empty skies, my love  

To the dark and the empty skies

 *Missing Boo more and more every day... born sleeping on 12/26/2012*