I've never met a wagon I didn't love...

And, just that quickly, I am back on the "TTC" wagon.

So, let me take a step back... and by back, I mean late December. With the year drawing to a close, I realized I still had roughly $1k in my medical spending account. My account, like many, is one of those "use it or lose it accounts". I could have let the money go to waste, but I decided to book whatever doctor appointments we would routinely have in the spring. I booked the dentist for the three of us, the optometrist and... there was still money left over... even after I bought a pair of glasses.

Well, if you'd ever paid attention to my other posts where I lamented about the cost of infertility treatments, you know that going back to the clinic was a quick way to spend some cash.

I went back, initially, to get more HRT/BCP... and, who am I kidding? I wanted to know what my FSH levels were since the night sweats were back in full force.

Naturally, they put me on the BCP right away. They wanted me to take two pills a day. I did and went for my weekly visits and at some point my FSH went down to 6 and they told me to stop. However, when I stopped, my FSH went back up to 25. So, they told me to go on, again... and something happened. I got the flu and couldn't make it in. However, I kept taking the BCP thinking that once I was over my bug, I would go in. Well, that stabilized my FSH. Once they took me off again, it didn't go back up.

Now, at that point, they were only doing bloodwork. There weren't any numbers to indicate that a follicle was growing, so they didn't give me a sonogram. FSH was stable enough (at a high 21, but stable nonetheless) but I wasn't growing a follie.

Then I got the dreaded mail. It went something like "if something doesn't happen soon, we're going to bring you in to discuss further treatment with the doctor". I was crushed! PLEASE... don't give up. Just wait a little bit and give a follie a chance to grow.

So, I went in on Valentine's day. How un-romantic. They normally draw my blood and tell me they'll email me later, but they told me to stay for a sonogram. A sonogram! And I saw it... right on the screen... two little follies. One measuring 7mm and one measuring 4mm. I'll take it!

I shared the news right away with DH and my sister. I spent the weekend trying not to do anything wrong... no coffee (although I did have wine) and just generally stayed under the radar.

Today I went back. There's a 15.5mm follie! The doctor said "this is like waiting for a bus... we have to make sure we catch it on time." I have also been instructed to carry my nasal spray with me because "you may have to trigger at any time".

If you are in the finger crossing business, please cross them... if meditation is your thing, please spare a thought... if you love candles, please light one... Whatever you do, please stand with us in solidarity to get this little follie to his/her rightful home...

Thanks for reading... and remember, LAW - love always wins...

BFN!

So, for those of you not down with the TTC (trying to conceive) lingo, BFP means big fat positive... you can deduce what BFN means.

Let me start by saying, I knew in the back of my head that there was no way I was pregnant. However, a few things happened and got me started... my aunt dreamt fish (I know it's superstitious, but hey...), my boobs got tender and full again and I started cramping, I was nauseous for the better part of the week and my mid-section feels full. Now, I knew with about 99.999% certainty that it was not a pregnancy, but most likely my body just being its silly old self.

Against my better judgment, I bought a pregnancy test  four pregnancy tests. They were on sale. Buy two, get two half off. I'm not sure what I need with more tests than I have eggs, but I love a bargain. After my husband picked me up from school, I asked him to take me to the pharmacy. My daughter asked if she could come in with me, but I didn't need her all up in my business, so I told her I would get her a surprise if she stayed in the car. I was in and out of the store in less than 5 minutes, with a huge ball in hand to distract her.

My husband knew right away. He said "you bought a test, didn't you". In my entire relationship with this man, I have probably only bought 2 pregnancy tests, so I'm not sure how he guessed it right away. I 'fessed up and told him that before I start school I want to be absolutely certain and then told him of my symptoms.

With that, he dropped me at home and I took the test.

I knew. I knew it was a no. And I told him this much because he was jittery and hopeful and I didn't want him to think we had a chance. And, in the end, after two minutes, I had one line... one LONELY line. I held the test at several different angles and it was still one line. I left it for an extra minute and tried to pretend I needed to dust the shelf in the bathroom... but still... one... line.

I'm not sure why I did it to myself. And now I've got 3 more tests taunting me that I know I will probably never have any use for.

So, I guess that is my sign. I am meant to start law school. There is no turning back, now. A part of me still feels like I am supposed to be a mom again, but I guess it's just not meant to be...

Just saw the ticker at the top of my page...

And it says we've been TTC for 11 months. I can't say that we've actually been TTC for 11 months because we actually are at the point where we are not timing, measuring, tracking nor going to appointments for anything. At some point, I hope to get back on the wagon - I'm not sure it'll happen while I'm in law school, which will be the next 4 years. Once I'm done with law school, I've got a feeling that the last thing on my mind will be having a baby.

I'm starting to feel like our ship may have REALLY sailed and I'm not sure if I'm okay with that. Going to law school every night is a constant reminder that I am infertile because the original plan was that I would go to law school ONLY if I didn't get pregnant. Every single school night, I'm made to remember "you are here because you are not pregnant" because had I gotten pregnant, I wouldn't have even thought to pursue this dream.

Law school has been good for me. It's a great outlet, it's extremely interesting and I'm meeting tons of great people. However, with all that being said, I'd much rather have a ticker that says "your baby is now 2 months old"...

Packed up my baby things...

On June 6th, a relative gave birth to a little boy. I have a ton of boy/neutral stuff and thought the healthy thing to do would be to pack it all up - in addition to the stuff I bought her for her baby - and ship it all to her. I thought a healed person would be able to do it... and, more than anything else, it would have been a nice gesture to send someone over $400 worth of newborn - 12 month stuff.
Couldn't do it. I packed it up, taped it and darn near wrapped it. When I got home that night, pangs overcame me... they were pains that indicated that I am STILL mourning my fertility. We started TTC 9 months and 3 weeks ago. That baby was born on what should have been our due date. While I was happy for the relative, I was unhappy for me.
While I know the clothes are not doing anything for anyone buried in a drawer in my house, I knew I wasn't ready to get rid of them, so I didn't.

I did send her a nice little bag of stuff that I had picked especially for her baby, though. Good compromise, in my estimation!

Five things you don't want to say to a woman with secondary infertility...

1) She needs a brother or sister - yeah, I tried to buy another one, but my card declined.

2) Well, at least you already have one - gee, what was I thinking trying to plan my OWN family and crap?

3) It saves you money - actually, it was a lot cheaper when I got knocked up unexpectedly and had a child at 24... infertility drugs are expensivo!

4) Just wait, your time will come - oh, I had no idea that what I'm doing now doesn't qualify as waiting

5) You just might be pregnant right now... you never know - No, I do know jack-wagon, because I have doctor's appointments at least twice a week and I'm sure they would have NOTICED if I suddenly had pregnancy hormones!

According to Cheri22

                                                      I got my reading today!!!

Here's the full message: 

They are showing me a GIRL and they relate her to MAY so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in.

I wonder if Cheri22 knows that I have POF. I hope it holds up, either way.

I guess we shall see..

Introduction

Hello blogland. My name is Nik. My goal with this blog is to share my POF journey and empower women while I'm at it. POF is premature ovarian failure. I'll get into that more at a later date.
In order to understand my story, we have to rewind to August 2009. At my annual exam, my GYN diagnosed me with PCOS - polycystic ovary syndrome. He offered that as an explanation for why my cycle was absent for the majority of the year. After doing some initial research, I decided it probably wouldn't be the end of the world. He handed me provera, to bring on a cycle, clomid, to induce ovulation and metformin, to control glucose levels (but it's used off-label to treat PCOS symptoms).
I'm not sure why, but I didn't buy it. I wanted to look at holistic ways of getting my cycle back. And I did... I started to work out, eat much better and get more sleep. I got an additional cycle, but nothing to write home about.
In 2011, I got married. After 2 wonderful weeks on a Hawaiian honeymoon, I came back to a battery of doctor appointments. First up was my GP. The appointment was pretty routine, but when I went for my follow-up, I was told I had a vitamin D deficiency! I couldn't believe it. After 2 weeks in Hawaii, I STILL had a vitamin D deficiency. So, after 4 weeks of 50,000 iU vitamin D per week, my cycle returned. That convinced me more than ever that there was something chemically imbalanced. That is when I decided to see a reproductive endocrinologist (RE).
At the same time, I joined a message board for women with PCOS. My RE ran a battery of tests, put me on provera, ran more tests. My cycles were always annovulatory. I took clomid for a cycle, nothing!
In December, I went back to my RE for more provera because my cycle hadn't returned after the Nov cycle (during which I took provera). After taking the Dec pills, my cycle didn't come.
Another visit to my RE revealed the most devastating news of my TTC journey. I had an elevated FSH level. I went back two days later to have my FSH rechecked and it came back at 85!
I asked the RE what the course of treatment would be for TTC and he said "donor eggs. You're done."
I have never been so crushed in my life. What followed was pretty similar to what happened when my dad died. I only wanted to stay in bed, with the curtains drawn, and be alone. I was mourning the loss of my fertility.
I went to GNC and bought menopause pills. When I got home, I took the first pill. The warning said not to operate machinery or vehicles while on the pills. It all felt so wrong. I was NOT ready to give up. I still want a biological child with my husband. I'm going to try my hardest to make it a reality.
Once I got over the initial shock, I made an appointment at an FSH-friendly clinic in NYC. On the day of my first appointment, the doctor I was to meet was on Dr. Oz! Talking about women with fertility issues! That was my sign.
In our initial meeting, they did bloodwork and explained different courses of action for POF. The doctor decided to put me on oral contraceptives (OCP). My FSH went from 85 to 47 to 27 to 10 to 6!!!! And then something miraculous happened - a follicle started to grow!
That brings me to the present. I had the first egg retrieval procedure yesterday and they are going to attempt to fertilize the egg today. I am currently in my waiting period to see if the egg fertilizes. If it does, we will attempt to grow some more eggs and eventually do IVF.
So, there's the story. I will keep you posted ever step along the way. This is my journey to the BFP I KNOW I am going to get....
Thank you for reading!