Night sweats!!

So, I got a tad bit optimistic the other morning when my cycle appeared. I thought for sure it meant my body was regulating itself. However, this morning I woke up drenched in sweat. As many of you know, night sweats are one of the common symptoms of "menopause" and a lot of women with POF suffer from it.

I can't say that I've always paid attention. I do remember feeling hot some evenings, but once I was diagnosed, I paid closer attention. June was a particularly "hot" month for me. I remember showering every night and every morning and feeling like I couldn't escape the sweat... last night was a repeat.

I wore shorts and a tank top to bed and, while we do sleep with a comforter on the bed, the air was going all night long. I still felt like I was trapped outdoors during a heat wave. What gives?

I was hoping this cycle would give me a head-start to growing a follie, but if I'm already having night sweats, my symptoms are probably too advanced. I'm going to keep a close eye on my symptoms. I know the chances are pretty slim that I'll ovulate two months in a row, but it's worth a shot!

I've ovulated!!!

Of course I find out after the fact because I just haven't tracked that stuff. So, remember the EWCM and tender breasts I spoke about? WELL, now they make sense! Obviously, I wish ovulation would have led to the next best thing (pregnancy), especially since the Mr. and I have gotten it on like two felines in heat, but I'll take ovulation over dead nether-regions ANY DAY. That's me up top doing my happy dance.

Now I wish I had tracked a little better! Fingers crossed for more ovulating days ahead :)

Yesterday made 6 months...

And to commemorate, my RE sent me a bill! Haha. It wasn't a terrible bill. It was just about $175, but goodness gracious. If you ever want to know what it feels like to flush money down the toilet, just be a woman with POF and see an RE. Now, this is not a knock on REs, at all... I actually like my RE and plan to return once I hear back from NIH on whether I was chosen for the study this fall. However, waiting for something to happen is seriously like watching grass grow. I have never been on such a hormonal roller coaster in my life - and I mean that literally.

So, how did I mark the day? Well, for one, I forgot all about it until just about 5 minutes ago. How's that for ceremonial?

I started an old/new job! So, it was pretty low-key and uneventful.

And then, of course, there was the bill.

What have I done in the past 6 months? I smacked against a brick wall when I got the diagnosis and felt like my world was caving in... then I proceeded to go through grief stages in an insane way, mostly toggling between denial and bargaining. I've stopped buying baby clothes - I had an INSANE addiction. I've told some people... and by some I mean no more than 10. And, I've decided that since life isn't going to stop, I'm going to go on. That's the way it happens sometimes. I'm definitely not as far as I expect to go with this POF diagnosis, but I'm definitely not where I was 6 months (and one day) ago... and that's a good thing!

Impractically Idealistic...

Let me start by saying I don't think being idealistic is wholly a bad thing. There are probably times when idealism serves as a great motivator. However, when it comes to POF, it's probably a bit better to stay on the realistic side of things... which is not where I've been this week.
So, before I run the risk of sounding like a straight loony, I will say... Hi. I have POF and I know this means I'm infertile...
BUT, something is happening. I feel like my hormones are normalizing - kinda sorta. I have something along of the vein of libido occupying me. It's foreign! I have normal CM (if you don't know what that is, it's probably just as well!) I have VERY tender breasts... like "don't hug me" tender... and the girls are big. I'm normally an A+/B- cup, but I think I am a veritable B cup... perhaps even a B+ for the past 2 weeks. And then... oh, of course there had to be an "and then", I stopped taking OCP and my cycle never came!
Now, to an ordinary person who has no idea what POF is, you are probably saying "TAKE A TEST... you are probably pregnant". That's what others have said... some who know and some who don't... my husband was one!
But, if you are similarly afflicted, you know I shouldn't waste my $13 or however much those things run for nowadays.
So, I will end this by saying... Hi. I have POF and I know this means I'm infertile... we shall see...

Packed up my baby things...

On June 6th, a relative gave birth to a little boy. I have a ton of boy/neutral stuff and thought the healthy thing to do would be to pack it all up - in addition to the stuff I bought her for her baby - and ship it all to her. I thought a healed person would be able to do it... and, more than anything else, it would have been a nice gesture to send someone over $400 worth of newborn - 12 month stuff.
Couldn't do it. I packed it up, taped it and darn near wrapped it. When I got home that night, pangs overcame me... they were pains that indicated that I am STILL mourning my fertility. We started TTC 9 months and 3 weeks ago. That baby was born on what should have been our due date. While I was happy for the relative, I was unhappy for me.
While I know the clothes are not doing anything for anyone buried in a drawer in my house, I knew I wasn't ready to get rid of them, so I didn't.

I did send her a nice little bag of stuff that I had picked especially for her baby, though. Good compromise, in my estimation!

Off the proverbial wagon...

Well, there aren't usually images of fertility drummed up when we talk about the "wagon", but I have quit my RE. I've just had a bunch going on in my life with law school, new job (which I start on July 16th) and transitioning out of the old job. I felt like I was having weekly appointments just so the nurse could tell me that nothing was going on downstairs. At $35 a pop, it got pretty expensive. The appointments were scheduled early in the morning and it just made getting there impossible and interfered with work.
I am not excited about having to give up my RE. Well, to be clear, I didn't HAVE to give him up. Either way, I think leaving means that I'm definitely not getting my symptoms under wraps any time soon. When I left, I was on OCP every other day to stabilize my FSH. I never found out whether they went down or not. I also stopped the OCP. After taking them at least every other day for 2 months, I expected a cycle - but two weeks later, I have nothing.
So, I think my body is clearly trying to tell me that it's done. I don't think I'm okay with that, but I'm so busy, I don't have time to think about it. If I didn't have law and everything else occupying my time, I'd probably be sulky and broody, but I haven't really had time to think about it.
I guess when things go quiet, I can get a better indication? Until then, I'm gonna enjoy this sun!