According to Cheri22

                                                      I got my reading today!!!

Here's the full message: 

They are showing me a GIRL and they relate her to MAY so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in.

I wonder if Cheri22 knows that I have POF. I hope it holds up, either way.

I guess we shall see..

Acupuncture is...

...heavenly! So, first things first. I didn't know if I would like my acupuncturist because she has a very weird way of dealing with patients (me). She called me the morning of my appointment to ask if I could come a little earlier so she could "fit more patients in". That was a turn-off. Also, during the initial phone consult, she asked me how I was getting to her office. She always seems so interested in me making it there on time and my mode of transport.
All of that aside, acupuncture is AWESOME. So, we had the initial questions and she asked why I was there. She kept insisting that I looked GREAT. She said I didn't look my age. I told here I was tired and usually am. She asked to see my tongue. When I showed it to her, she said "You thirsty!!" I told her I was, in fact, not thirsty and she asked if I was sure. On to the fun part...
The needles weren't nearly as bad as I thought they would be. She said she had to balance my hormones and also that my qi was not balanced. She also said I have a digestion issue (after looking at the eczema on my arms).
After she inserted the needles - in my ears, head, abdomen, shins and ankles - she left me there to rest for 30 minutes. She told me to focus on breathing in deeply. I breathed deeper than I've ever done before.
When my 30 minutes were up, she came back and took the needles out. I have another appointment for next Thursday. When I left, I felt EXHAUSTED. I don't know why.
Oh, and I was thirsty... apparently, she knew what she was talking about!

It was bound to happen...

I had SUCH a rough day today. I got THIS mail from the clinic today and then I just broke down:

Below are your lab results for today:

Estrogen <low

FSH 61

LH 21

Progesterone 0.3

MD has reviewed your results and here are your instructions:

From 3/20 to 3/26, please take TWO tablets of birth control pills.

From 3/27 to 3/28, please take ONE tablet of birth control pill.

Your next monitoring appointment is on 3/29/12 for bloodwork only.

Thank you.

----------------
Throw me a bone, please, universe! For the first time since this whole infertility diagnosis, I cried like a baby - right there at my desk. The weight was too much to bear today. At my appointment, there was not even the promise of a follicle. There was the cyst from last week, which was measuring 4mm, but nothing else. I have YET to see any activity whatsoever from my right ovary. The left one was blah today, too. I love (well, not really LOVE, I'm being sarcastic) when they say "your ovaries are quiet". No, quiet can be a good thing... my ovaries are not quiet, they are BROKEN. And, honestly, today I just want ovaries that work. Is that too much to ask?
So, now I have to take bcp again... to artificially lower my FSH levels again. Please let there be a better way. PLEASE.
And let's talk about the estrogen levels... what in the world is <low? Does that mean my estrogen levels are practically negative? I know it doesn't, but come on estrogen! Show up for the appointments, will you!!?
For now, all I can do is follow doctor's orders. I just hope I'm not standing in the same place in three years. Fingers crossed.
On another note, I went to my gyn, who delivered DD, and there was a pamphlet staring right in my face. There are a series of education workshops being put on by Columbia University surrounding fertility. The one tomorrow (as luck would have it) is on donor eggs. A part of me wants to go. They're not having that particular workshop again. They do have another I want to attend: Understanding Ovarian Reserve. It's on May 30th, but that's just around the corner.
I saw it as a little sign that the universe was saying "despite your day, I haven't given up on you, yet".
Anyway, tomorrow can ONLY be better. Thanks for making it this far!

Who do you tell?

?

Today I was casually talking to one of my co-workers when I slipped up about the acupuncture appointment. It naturally worked into conversation. We were talking about drinks for another co-worker, to which I'd already RSVPd yes, and I was telling him that it's actually a "no". He asked why and, before I could catch myself, I said "I have my acupuncture appointment that day".
"Acupuncture?" he inquired "why the heck do you need acupuncture?" And before I knew it, I was lying "You know I get terrible migraines... maybe it'll help."
When he walked away, I felt like such a loser. Did I really have to lie about my infertility? Why couldn't I just be honest. But a part of me felt like it wasn't really information I need to share with him. While I am close with this particular co-worker, I don't want to have to talk to him about my girl parts, working or not. He's the same co-worker who jokes that I'm pregnant all the time.When he does, I say "Trust me, I'm not". I wish people knew more about infertility and it didn't carry so much of a stigma. Maybe the stigma is in my head. Either way, I'm not quite ready to talk about it with every random person in my life.
So, how did you distinguish who to tell and who not to?

Two months ago, today...

 

...I received the most devastating news of my entire TTC "career". Not that I plan on marking it every single month. Honestly, the only reason I even knew that today marked 2 months is that I looked back at a post I wrote when I first got the news. I'm not sure I understood the severity of my issue. I thought, despite all of the research and testimonials I read, that I would be pregnant by March, FOR SURE. I bought Thanksgiving onesies on sale at Babies R Us anticipating a February BFP.

A lot has changed in two months. For one, I fired my old RE. I didn't fire him because he didn't tell me what I wanted to hear, I fired him because anyone who says "I shouldn't be telling you this over the phone" while he delivers a message in such a callous way, needs to be fired. I fired him because he essentially told me my body is a piece of crap and not worth fighting to fix. I fired him because he told me I could never have another biological child and I know it's not true.

I don't know how to explain it. I call it a feeling, but it's a bit more than that. I KNOW that I don't feel done yet and I can't tell you why. I just don't. So, now I have a new clinic that believes in the miracle of TTC with high FSH and I am happy with that. In addition, I'm starting acupuncture and I believe it will be beneficial if for nothing else than to calm me down. I'm on edge these days. 

Things are not the same as they were. Was there an insulating calmness in not knowing why my body didn't do what it was supposed to do every month? Yes. But knowing what the problem is and working with specialists to get answers is exactly what I needed to be doing. So, because these past two months have been tumultuous, defeating and eye-opening, I'm glad they are behind me. Onward and upward!

Acupuncture!!

 

Guess who has an appointment for next Thursday at 5:30pm! Yes, that would be THIS girl. To say I'm excited would be a huge understatement.
I'll admit, I was a little bit down yesterday. I was looking at my husband and thinking I should be pregnant right now... why doesn't my body work? I am not saying this in hopes that it will someday be true, I am saying it because I KNOW it will be true someday: I am going to have more biological children.
For a brief second yesterday, I doubted that. I thought about egg donors and how I could be pregnant next week (not really) if I just used someone else's eggs. I think egg donation programs are great, but I'm not ready to think about that yet. I want to exhaust all avenues before I look to egg donation. It saddened me that I thought about it yesterday because I feel like it's too early to be at the end of my rope!
So, I called an acupuncturist today. My insurance covers it. Have I ever told you what AWESOME insurance I have? I mean, honestly, if people could marry insurance policies, I'd marry mine. Anyway, the woman sounded nice enough. She seemed very worried about how I would make it to her office on time. She kept asking where I would be coming from and whether or not I would walk... I hope she's normal! LOL
At this point, acupuncture can't hurt... it can only HELP. I'm only saddened that I didn't do this sooner. I certainly thought about it.
Next stop on this POF train - diet modification. That may prove to be tricky, though. This girl loves her red meat and sodas. One step at a time... one step at a time!

Close, but no cigar...

Note from the nurse...

As the MD suspected, the follicle that was measured as a 17mm was indeed a cyst today measuring 9mm.

Estrogen 55

FSH 12

LH 6

Progesterone 0.6

Please be advised that the MD recommends to return in 1 week, 3/20/12, for bloodwork and sonogram. No medications are required at this time.

Have a good day!

-----------------

Back to square 1, I go!

Destination Maternity!

I took the day off today. I just needed a breather from work - I usually do. Thanks to the 17mm follie-cyst yesterday, I had to go in for another blood draw and sonogram - just my luck to have an appointment on our day off. I did manage to sleep in (is 8:30 considered sleeping in?) 

I got to the office at about ten after ten and had my blood draw. Then it was the waiting game to be called in for my sonogram. The nurse called me in and instructed me to get changed. The two minutes it took her to come back in felt like an eternity. She performed the sonogram and nothing came up on the screen. No more follie-cyst! Whatever that means, it's not as bad as the idea of having a huge cyst. So, I'm a bit relieved.

The optimist in me hopes it was a follie and that I've ovulated. The realist in me is just glad it's not a cyst. I was instructed to wait for my mail today with further instructions on where to go from there. I walked out into the the jungle that is NYC and I felt directionless.... not because I expected anything to happen, but because I really didn't know what to do next. Should I go to the store for my mom, should I go and get my hair washed, should I get my nails done? I couldn't decide. I went into the GAP to find a pair of jeans and left after 5 minutes of useless browsing. I decided to head west on 57th street towards my bus. I walked for about 3 avenues and decided to look up to see where I should go next. There was a HUGE sign that said "DESTINATION MATERNITY"... It was a mini-mall with maternity shops and a maternity spa. I made a mental note - must come here once we conceive. The sign put a little smile on my face... gave me some direction. Whether or not my appointment went the way I wanted it to go today, I am not directionless, nor purposeless. It may take a while to get to that BFP, but gosh darnit, I'm going to get there.

Destination maternity or BUST :)

Follicle or Cyst?

A mail from my clinic after my visit this morning:

 

This email is to inform you of your instructions.

 

Estrogen 54

FSH 9

LH 6

Progesterone 1

 

Please be advised that the sonogram confirmed a 17mm follicle, however the estrogen does not correspond with the size. Dr.  requests that you return tomorrow for bloodwork and sonogram to confirm if the follicle is true follicle or a cyst. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns.

So, what do you think? Is it a follicle or a cyst? I'm HOPING it's not a cyst, but an estrogen level that low is an indication that if it's not a cyst, it's a very poor quality egg. At least they are growing, right? Something good has to come along.

I'll keep you posted on the results.

As a bright spot, how awesome is that FSH level? Just beautiful!

Watching grass grow...

This has honestly been the longest two weeks of my life. Waiting for this appointment has been like watching grass grow. The two weeks leading up to the egg retrieval were filled with 8am appointments, daily mails from nurses and sonograms to measure the follie's growth. The only instruction for these two weeks has been "take OCP every other day". I almost failed my mission! After a whirlwind weekend, 2am arrived today and I realized "I didn't take my Saturday pill!!!"
I was talking to DH today and I told him that I have a nagging feeling that our bfp won't come from daily pokes and prods or medical intervention, but from a surprise. He responded that he doesn't care how it comes, as long as it does. I can't say I disagree...
Until that time, though, I am going to do exactly what the doctor orders if it means getting closer to my BFP!
Wish me luck for tomorrow that, in spite of daylight saving, I can get up and get to my appointment on time!

What a difference a week makes...

DH and I ate at IHOP this morning. I think that place is disgusting, but I still manage to eat there at least twice a month. We went last Sunday, too... the day of the egg retrieval. The mood today was bright. We had a good conversation, joked a bit... had some great coffee. Last week was different. There was an air of hope, with a little bit of pre-emptive despair in case our hope was premature. I wanted so badly for the egg to be a great one, but I was totally prepared for them to say it wasn't; which, of course, is what happened.
Last week was the culmination of two weeks of almost daily appointments. This past week, none... well, save for the egg retrieval. Something about not being pricked or prodded this week made me feel stagnant. BUT, then there were the stabbing pains near my ovaries: "Am I ovulating on my own?" I wondered. There were also the sore breasts: "This is a sign" I thought. And let's not forget, the EWCM. I never knew what EWCM was before my secondary infertility. I never had a reason to pay attention. But, when I saw it this week, I thought "what an evil body to try to trick me into thinking it's behaving normally!"
Time passes and new wounds heal, but you never forget the hope of the past. And, you think you are betraying yourself if you don't continue to hope. You hope for that surprise BFP one day. You hope that your body will have a momentary lapse in its hatred for you and behave like it should for once. And, if that doesn't happen, there's always science. Science, PLEASE don't fail me...