5 stages of infertility grief

A friend asked me how I was doing and it forced me to think for a little bit. How AM I doing? The answer is not always clear-cut. Some days are better than others. For instance, last  week Wednesday was d-day for a few people I know who have fertility issues. We all had appointments and I thought we would all get exceptional news about the day, but it was the exact opposite. NO ONE got good news. You'd have to imagine that with enough days like that, one wouldn't be doing so well.

My news last week was that no follie is growing. I am being weaned off OCP once again, which I'm not too optimistic about. Add to that, the fact that infertility treatments are extremely expensive and you've got one unhappy lady this way.

If I looked at the five stages of grief as:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
I'd have to say I am toggling between anger and bargaining on any given day. It makes sense, right, I am grieving the loss of my fertility. And, not only the loss, but the unexpected loss because had this happened at 47, I don't think I'd blink nary an eye. But for it to happen 4 months after my wedding day dead smack in the middle of me saying "I think I am ready for another baby", well, that's just cruel.

I am not ready to be infertile, so every.single.time I see a snot nosed teenager on FB showing her belly pics or talking about how her "hubby", who is usually some equally underaged snot, looks so cute sleeping with their other baby, I just want to throw a chair - ANGER

Whenever I hear about people who don't invest in their children, curse out their children, don't properly nourish their children, etc..., but still manage to have FIVE, yeah... makes me want to punch a hole in a wall - ANGER

But, then, I think... maybe I will do yoga every day - BARGAINING

And juice all of my meals and take shots of wheat grass and go to bed at 7 and do EVERY.SINGLE.THING that other women don't have to do in order to get knocked up - ANGRY BARGAINING

and then... maybe, just maybe, I will get tender boobs, or nauseous after I eat my favorite meal or tired as soon as I wake up and take a test just for the heck of it to find out that we are indeed, against the odds, expecting - DENIAL

So, yeah, as you can see, we've got a long way to go. I have things keeping me busy - but not busy enough. I can only take it day by day. That's all I can do. And one day, I hope to write about my acceptance... in whichever form it takes.