1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day

That's what my TTC ticker says today. It's obviously a lie. We are no longer TTC. However, it's pretty sobering to see that we started this journey over a year and a month and a week ago. Very sobering. Last year, I thought I'd be the mom of 3 month old twins or triplets by now. Well, my OB/GYN gave me clomid and said "take this and go have sex". He had no idea about the POF - because he never ran any tests - but I looked up the clomid and said "holy  moo, I'm going to have twins with this thing."
I thought about the stroller I would use. I thought about what I would name them if they were both girls... or if one was a boy and the other was a girl. I thought about how we would have to move the bookshelves out of our third bedroom to make it a nursery. Then, I thought, well, maybe DH and I could take the smaller bedroom and give the twins the master bedroom. I knew where each crib would go and where our two gliders would be... and, yes, we needed two so DH could rock one to bed and I could, too. And I thought about how cheesy our xmas card would look and how I wouldn't waste this maternity leave away like I did when I had dd. I thought about how I would still attempt to exclusively breast feed the babies for 6 months, just like I did with dd and how I would take them to gymboree classes.
If any part of my plan were to get sidetracked, I only anticipated that it would be the timing of it all... what if I didn't have the babies in July, but August or September, instead? However, I never thought I would be an evening law student with an 8 year old an no babies. I never thought I would have warm legs every night due to hot flashes and grief/anger/denial about it all.
No, not one year into it... not one year and one week into it... and certainly not one year, one month, one week and one day...

:(

That is all... that's how I'm feeling. ABOUT EVERYTHING!
And while I'm quite cognizant that I've got absolutely nothing to pout about... I mean, there is some person in some remote part of the world who doesn't have running water/heat/food or something else he or she needs. I don't NEED anything.
I am still feeling *blah*, though.
I feel like no one understands what I'm going through. Bless their hearts for trying, but they don't REALLY "get" it... they just love me and say they get it so I won't feel alone. But knowing they REALLY don't get it is the loneliest thing ever.
:(
The hot flashes are back. The irritability is back. The feelings of despair are back.
Not to mention, EVERY.SINGLE.PERSON in the world has taken an interest in my uterus. Being in law school hasn't bought me an out, either.
"Why don't you guys have a baby now? You can do it!"
I'm sure they  mean well. Sometimes, I want to scream:
BECAUSE I CAN'T, okay!!! I JUST CAN'T!
But that won't help things any... so, instead, I make up some crummy joke about 1 being enough and not having time with law school and all. And then I come home and feel horrible because I have no eggs!
*sigh*

Law School

...is good. I either hear horror stories about how people absolutely hate it or absolutely love it. I know it's only week 3, but I have trended toward the latter. If you're going to spend $140k on something, you should LOVE it.

So, right before law school, I did the whole POAS thing hoping that it would be a BFP and I could scrap this whole silly notion of sitting in a classroom until 10pm 4 nights a week for 4 years. But, there was no BFP to be had that day, so I packed up my 200 pound bookbag and went on my merry way.

School has sucked every ounce of free time out of my life - kissing my husband is a luxury, now. I have to decide whether to sleep or read, most days. As a result, this blog has overgrown weeds and other signs of neglect. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to find my footing, but I haven't given up the good fight!

At this point, I am not TTC. However, I'm still paying very close attention to my body and trying to love it. I'm not doing a great job - I still eat like crap most days, I haven't exercised in over a year and sleep? what's that?

I do plan to get on more really soon. I'm going to try to get most of my posts done on Saturdays/Sundays and then scheduled to post.

Stay tuned!

For those of you in NYC: Columbia's new fertility workshops!

If you are in the NYC area, Columbia University has come out with their new fertility workshop schedule for Fall 2012/Spring 2013. I literally squealed when I checked the mail.

There is one that I'd really like to go to on January 16th: Understanding Ovarian Reserve

Hop on over to their website and see if there's anything that interests you. It's free and it's Columbia - they have some of the best fertility doctors around.

Best of luck!

http://columbiafertility.org/resources/PFEW0812_0213.pdf

BFN!

So, for those of you not down with the TTC (trying to conceive) lingo, BFP means big fat positive... you can deduce what BFN means.

Let me start by saying, I knew in the back of my head that there was no way I was pregnant. However, a few things happened and got me started... my aunt dreamt fish (I know it's superstitious, but hey...), my boobs got tender and full again and I started cramping, I was nauseous for the better part of the week and my mid-section feels full. Now, I knew with about 99.999% certainty that it was not a pregnancy, but most likely my body just being its silly old self.

Against my better judgment, I bought a pregnancy test  four pregnancy tests. They were on sale. Buy two, get two half off. I'm not sure what I need with more tests than I have eggs, but I love a bargain. After my husband picked me up from school, I asked him to take me to the pharmacy. My daughter asked if she could come in with me, but I didn't need her all up in my business, so I told her I would get her a surprise if she stayed in the car. I was in and out of the store in less than 5 minutes, with a huge ball in hand to distract her.

My husband knew right away. He said "you bought a test, didn't you". In my entire relationship with this man, I have probably only bought 2 pregnancy tests, so I'm not sure how he guessed it right away. I 'fessed up and told him that before I start school I want to be absolutely certain and then told him of my symptoms.

With that, he dropped me at home and I took the test.

I knew. I knew it was a no. And I told him this much because he was jittery and hopeful and I didn't want him to think we had a chance. And, in the end, after two minutes, I had one line... one LONELY line. I held the test at several different angles and it was still one line. I left it for an extra minute and tried to pretend I needed to dust the shelf in the bathroom... but still... one... line.

I'm not sure why I did it to myself. And now I've got 3 more tests taunting me that I know I will probably never have any use for.

So, I guess that is my sign. I am meant to start law school. There is no turning back, now. A part of me still feels like I am supposed to be a mom again, but I guess it's just not meant to be...

Just saw the ticker at the top of my page...

And it says we've been TTC for 11 months. I can't say that we've actually been TTC for 11 months because we actually are at the point where we are not timing, measuring, tracking nor going to appointments for anything. At some point, I hope to get back on the wagon - I'm not sure it'll happen while I'm in law school, which will be the next 4 years. Once I'm done with law school, I've got a feeling that the last thing on my mind will be having a baby.

I'm starting to feel like our ship may have REALLY sailed and I'm not sure if I'm okay with that. Going to law school every night is a constant reminder that I am infertile because the original plan was that I would go to law school ONLY if I didn't get pregnant. Every single school night, I'm made to remember "you are here because you are not pregnant" because had I gotten pregnant, I wouldn't have even thought to pursue this dream.

Law school has been good for me. It's a great outlet, it's extremely interesting and I'm meeting tons of great people. However, with all that being said, I'd much rather have a ticker that says "your baby is now 2 months old"...

How does a hot flash feel?

That is what my husband just asked me. I actually didn't know how to describe it. I've been getting them at night, lately. It feels like I am engulfed in flames for just a short period and I can't get my clothes off quickly enough. Then, just as quickly as it started, it ends and I have to pull a cover over my newly-naked legs! What a roller coaster.

Dear body...

What have I ever done to you to make you hate me so? Yes, I know I've eaten at McDonald's more times than I should admit. I know I stayed up way later than any person ever should - on several occasions. I know I've been saying I am going to replace those shoes with the worn out soles - but I just love them so much and they're so stinking cute! I probably should also exercise more... and by more, I mean that I should exercise. Sometimes I forget my vitamins. I drink wine at lunch time (hey, spend a day at my job and you'll drink at lunch, too). However, I am your friend! Please be mine!

If you're wondering what's eating my grape, I have been having horrendous cramps on and off all day long. When I was a teen, I absolutely hated cramps. They were the bane of my existence, but they served a purpose. There is absolutely NO REASON for me to have cramps right now! At all. I know my body did not consult me on this one, but had it, I would have said "I'm okay with cramps if there's something to be crampy about!"

The cycle last week was a normal cycle (I'm still celebrating in my head). But, having another one right after this is pretty much unheard of - women with POF do not have regular, unassisted cycles. So, really, what is the point of having a crampy/throbby abdomen?

On a more joyful note, I contacted the nurse at NIH to see if a decision has been made about the fall study. Fingers crossed... I would REALLY love the opportunity to go there and get this POF thing sorted for once and for all. I've only heard good things about the study.

Night sweats!!

So, I got a tad bit optimistic the other morning when my cycle appeared. I thought for sure it meant my body was regulating itself. However, this morning I woke up drenched in sweat. As many of you know, night sweats are one of the common symptoms of "menopause" and a lot of women with POF suffer from it.

I can't say that I've always paid attention. I do remember feeling hot some evenings, but once I was diagnosed, I paid closer attention. June was a particularly "hot" month for me. I remember showering every night and every morning and feeling like I couldn't escape the sweat... last night was a repeat.

I wore shorts and a tank top to bed and, while we do sleep with a comforter on the bed, the air was going all night long. I still felt like I was trapped outdoors during a heat wave. What gives?

I was hoping this cycle would give me a head-start to growing a follie, but if I'm already having night sweats, my symptoms are probably too advanced. I'm going to keep a close eye on my symptoms. I know the chances are pretty slim that I'll ovulate two months in a row, but it's worth a shot!

I've ovulated!!!

Of course I find out after the fact because I just haven't tracked that stuff. So, remember the EWCM and tender breasts I spoke about? WELL, now they make sense! Obviously, I wish ovulation would have led to the next best thing (pregnancy), especially since the Mr. and I have gotten it on like two felines in heat, but I'll take ovulation over dead nether-regions ANY DAY. That's me up top doing my happy dance.

Now I wish I had tracked a little better! Fingers crossed for more ovulating days ahead :)

Yesterday made 6 months...

And to commemorate, my RE sent me a bill! Haha. It wasn't a terrible bill. It was just about $175, but goodness gracious. If you ever want to know what it feels like to flush money down the toilet, just be a woman with POF and see an RE. Now, this is not a knock on REs, at all... I actually like my RE and plan to return once I hear back from NIH on whether I was chosen for the study this fall. However, waiting for something to happen is seriously like watching grass grow. I have never been on such a hormonal roller coaster in my life - and I mean that literally.

So, how did I mark the day? Well, for one, I forgot all about it until just about 5 minutes ago. How's that for ceremonial?

I started an old/new job! So, it was pretty low-key and uneventful.

And then, of course, there was the bill.

What have I done in the past 6 months? I smacked against a brick wall when I got the diagnosis and felt like my world was caving in... then I proceeded to go through grief stages in an insane way, mostly toggling between denial and bargaining. I've stopped buying baby clothes - I had an INSANE addiction. I've told some people... and by some I mean no more than 10. And, I've decided that since life isn't going to stop, I'm going to go on. That's the way it happens sometimes. I'm definitely not as far as I expect to go with this POF diagnosis, but I'm definitely not where I was 6 months (and one day) ago... and that's a good thing!

Impractically Idealistic...

Let me start by saying I don't think being idealistic is wholly a bad thing. There are probably times when idealism serves as a great motivator. However, when it comes to POF, it's probably a bit better to stay on the realistic side of things... which is not where I've been this week.
So, before I run the risk of sounding like a straight loony, I will say... Hi. I have POF and I know this means I'm infertile...
BUT, something is happening. I feel like my hormones are normalizing - kinda sorta. I have something along of the vein of libido occupying me. It's foreign! I have normal CM (if you don't know what that is, it's probably just as well!) I have VERY tender breasts... like "don't hug me" tender... and the girls are big. I'm normally an A+/B- cup, but I think I am a veritable B cup... perhaps even a B+ for the past 2 weeks. And then... oh, of course there had to be an "and then", I stopped taking OCP and my cycle never came!
Now, to an ordinary person who has no idea what POF is, you are probably saying "TAKE A TEST... you are probably pregnant". That's what others have said... some who know and some who don't... my husband was one!
But, if you are similarly afflicted, you know I shouldn't waste my $13 or however much those things run for nowadays.
So, I will end this by saying... Hi. I have POF and I know this means I'm infertile... we shall see...

Packed up my baby things...

On June 6th, a relative gave birth to a little boy. I have a ton of boy/neutral stuff and thought the healthy thing to do would be to pack it all up - in addition to the stuff I bought her for her baby - and ship it all to her. I thought a healed person would be able to do it... and, more than anything else, it would have been a nice gesture to send someone over $400 worth of newborn - 12 month stuff.
Couldn't do it. I packed it up, taped it and darn near wrapped it. When I got home that night, pangs overcame me... they were pains that indicated that I am STILL mourning my fertility. We started TTC 9 months and 3 weeks ago. That baby was born on what should have been our due date. While I was happy for the relative, I was unhappy for me.
While I know the clothes are not doing anything for anyone buried in a drawer in my house, I knew I wasn't ready to get rid of them, so I didn't.

I did send her a nice little bag of stuff that I had picked especially for her baby, though. Good compromise, in my estimation!

Off the proverbial wagon...

Well, there aren't usually images of fertility drummed up when we talk about the "wagon", but I have quit my RE. I've just had a bunch going on in my life with law school, new job (which I start on July 16th) and transitioning out of the old job. I felt like I was having weekly appointments just so the nurse could tell me that nothing was going on downstairs. At $35 a pop, it got pretty expensive. The appointments were scheduled early in the morning and it just made getting there impossible and interfered with work.
I am not excited about having to give up my RE. Well, to be clear, I didn't HAVE to give him up. Either way, I think leaving means that I'm definitely not getting my symptoms under wraps any time soon. When I left, I was on OCP every other day to stabilize my FSH. I never found out whether they went down or not. I also stopped the OCP. After taking them at least every other day for 2 months, I expected a cycle - but two weeks later, I have nothing.
So, I think my body is clearly trying to tell me that it's done. I don't think I'm okay with that, but I'm so busy, I don't have time to think about it. If I didn't have law and everything else occupying my time, I'd probably be sulky and broody, but I haven't really had time to think about it.
I guess when things go quiet, I can get a better indication? Until then, I'm gonna enjoy this sun!

Five things you don't want to say to a woman with secondary infertility...

1) She needs a brother or sister - yeah, I tried to buy another one, but my card declined.

2) Well, at least you already have one - gee, what was I thinking trying to plan my OWN family and crap?

3) It saves you money - actually, it was a lot cheaper when I got knocked up unexpectedly and had a child at 24... infertility drugs are expensivo!

4) Just wait, your time will come - oh, I had no idea that what I'm doing now doesn't qualify as waiting

5) You just might be pregnant right now... you never know - No, I do know jack-wagon, because I have doctor's appointments at least twice a week and I'm sure they would have NOTICED if I suddenly had pregnancy hormones!

Oh NIH, where have you been all my life... well, for the last 4 months, at least!

 A while back, read about 4 weeks ago, I stumbled across a FB group for women with POF. I wasn't entirely sure whether or not I wanted to join because not everyone knows about my POF and I certainly didn't need it on my timeline every time I posted to the group! Either way, I thought my sanity has to be worth a little bit more than my pride! I need people who understand what I'm going through and can help me through this - and I want to help others if I can, as well.
Either way, I got the message that I was accepted to the closed group yesterday! Naturally, I did the obligatory intro post: Hi, I'm Anika. I have POF and I'm devastated. To my astonishment, people responded. Not that I thought they wouldn't, but it wasn't just "Hi Anika. Welcome!" It was more like "Did you do x? What about Y? You should also try Z... it's worked for a lot of us."
So, a couple of women there mentioned that even after FSH levels elevated into the hundreds, ok 102 and 108, I believe, THEY CONCEIVED. One conceived naturally and had the profile picture to prove it.
Now, I don't mean to go back into the denial stage. I am in 3 stages simultaneously, so to get out of one would be really awesome. However, THERE IS HOPE. Maybe not in my case, but in someone's case, there is hope.
So, one of the women also gave me the website to the NIH. NIH, I LOVE YOU! There is a center, 4 hours drive from my home, that deals specifically with POF. *cue the hallelujah music* I called today and they are accepting patients for September 2012 (which coincides with my  law school start date o_O). I am going to do this, though. I owe it to myself and my broken ovaries to get answers.
I will update once I've read through the introductory packet they've ALREADY sent me (talk about efficient).
Here's the link for your perusal. I will update once I take a look through all of the info.
http://poi.nichd.nih.gov/index.html

Yeah, the wind is definitely out of these sails...

When I first started my treatments for infertility, I did EVERY single thing they asked me to do: stand on my head, sleep in the bathtub, eat only ice cubes... well, they didn't ask me to do any of that, but you get my point. Well, in recent weeks, I've kind of "given up", which I alluded to in a former post. Further evidence of that can be drawn from the fact that I missed my appointment yesterday - AND, I didn't realize it until about 20 minutes ago. They asked me to come in tomorrow after I emailed them about the oversight and I wanted to say "can I just wait another week?"

I have a dark spot on my left arm, which seems to be the only arm with blood in it so they draw from the same exact place every time. I'm sick of being poked and prodded - awesome, more ANGER.

So, next appointment is set for tomorrow. I'll let you know how it goes!

5 stages of infertility grief

A friend asked me how I was doing and it forced me to think for a little bit. How AM I doing? The answer is not always clear-cut. Some days are better than others. For instance, last  week Wednesday was d-day for a few people I know who have fertility issues. We all had appointments and I thought we would all get exceptional news about the day, but it was the exact opposite. NO ONE got good news. You'd have to imagine that with enough days like that, one wouldn't be doing so well.

My news last week was that no follie is growing. I am being weaned off OCP once again, which I'm not too optimistic about. Add to that, the fact that infertility treatments are extremely expensive and you've got one unhappy lady this way.

If I looked at the five stages of grief as:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
I'd have to say I am toggling between anger and bargaining on any given day. It makes sense, right, I am grieving the loss of my fertility. And, not only the loss, but the unexpected loss because had this happened at 47, I don't think I'd blink nary an eye. But for it to happen 4 months after my wedding day dead smack in the middle of me saying "I think I am ready for another baby", well, that's just cruel.

I am not ready to be infertile, so every.single.time I see a snot nosed teenager on FB showing her belly pics or talking about how her "hubby", who is usually some equally underaged snot, looks so cute sleeping with their other baby, I just want to throw a chair - ANGER

Whenever I hear about people who don't invest in their children, curse out their children, don't properly nourish their children, etc..., but still manage to have FIVE, yeah... makes me want to punch a hole in a wall - ANGER

But, then, I think... maybe I will do yoga every day - BARGAINING

And juice all of my meals and take shots of wheat grass and go to bed at 7 and do EVERY.SINGLE.THING that other women don't have to do in order to get knocked up - ANGRY BARGAINING

and then... maybe, just maybe, I will get tender boobs, or nauseous after I eat my favorite meal or tired as soon as I wake up and take a test just for the heck of it to find out that we are indeed, against the odds, expecting - DENIAL

So, yeah, as you can see, we've got a long way to go. I have things keeping me busy - but not busy enough. I can only take it day by day. That's all I can do. And one day, I hope to write about my acceptance... in whichever form it takes.

FSH is back up...

I read something once that said you are only as good as your highest FSH level. Gosh, I was hoping it was LOWEST... but no. So, I'm only as good as my FSH level of 100? That level screams... "ovaries? what ovaries?" My ovaries are shriveled up lump of all things unholy. However, I need to find the positive in this. I will say that my left ovary consistently attempts to give me a follie! The right one is the turn-coat. I'm not sure whose team she's on. So, at my appointment on Wednesday, the 8mm follie from last week was long gone, but there was a new 5mm follie on the left side. The right - nada!
I am doubling up OCP for a couple of days, then taking one per day until my next appointment on the 9th. The 9th must be a good day for fertility, because another friend with POF has an appointment that day and my sister has a SONOGRAM... oh yes, she's with child :) It's not public, yet. Neither is this blog, so I can say it here! Ok. So, fingers crossed for everyone on the 9th. Let's bring back some good stories.


My FSH is 33 now. Here's the mail from the clinic after my visit on Wednesday:

Please confirm receipt of this email.Below are your blood results for today:
Estrogen: <L
FSH: 33
LH:14
 p4: 0.5


At this time, the MD has reviewed your results and your instructions are as follows:

Please be aware that since your FSH was unable to stabilize at the lower level once the MD weaned your body off the birth control pill, the MD would like you to begin taking the birth control pills again to bring the levels back down.  Your FSH was at 17 when you last monitored, however today it went back up to 33.  The MD would like to try the birth control suppression again to see if your body will be able to have the levels remain low enough to begin IVF treatment.

Please begin taking two birth control pills daily from today 5/2 until 5/5

Please decrease to ONE birth control pill daily from 5/6 until 5/8


Your next appointment is scheduled for: Wednesday May 9th, 2012 at Columbus Circle.

Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns.
Have a great day!

Felt like giving up...

I'm not proud of that fact, but the past couple of days have been a little bit of a low point for me. I guess it all started on Wednesday when I had my appointment at the clinic. I used my time there to also square away my mounting bill. I paid it in full to the tune of $912!!! Yes, $912 USD! Do you know what I could do with $912? That was the primary thought running through my head. $555 of that $912 was for the cracked egg retrieval. I had to pay half a grand for them to retrieve a scrambled egg. So, of course, I took to the internet to see what the odds were of them ever retrieving an egg that was worth $5, much less $555 and the stats weren't encouraging.
The other thing that made the $912 news seem so insurmountable was the follie check. Do you remember the two follies measuring around 8mm just a week before? Well, I guess they were on vacation. Now there's only a 9mm follie. And, I'm not saying "ONLY" to sound like an ingrate, but that means that I'm embarking on another natural IVF cycle. So, I have my next appointment on Tuesday, 2-May to see how that follie is developing and I'm taking OCP every other day until 30-April.
So, here's the mail from the clinic until Tuesday. I will update as soon as I know something more:

This email to inform you about your bloodwork results and your instructions for today, April 25th, 2012:

E2 133

FSH 17

LH 10

Progesterone 0.6

Dr.Wong reviewed your results, please see your instructions below :

• Please continue with birth control pills, 1 tablet, every other day. Last pill on 4/30/12.

• Please return to office on 5/2/12 at 9am, to Columbus Circle location, for bloodwork and ultrasound.

Please let me know if you have any questions regarding this email.

Thank you and have a great day.

It's been a while...

I took the girl to Jamaica to celebrate her birthday. We were there for only 5 short days, but the lead-up and wind-down have taken more out of me than I realized. We got back on Wednesday night - 18-April. I had an appointment on Thursday morning. I had been taking birth control pills every other day and having crazy twinges every single day - which I attributed to the shock therapy I got at acupuncture.
Well, not sure if it was the shock therapy or the fact that I was forced to relax, even if for only 5 days, but I have two follicles growing. There was the obligatory one on the left side - which always seems to be there. HOWEVER, there was one on the right side as well. I have never seen anything but dust on that side, so I was happy for the news. On Thursday, they were measuring 7.5mm on the right and 8mm on the left.
Grow follies, grow! I have an appointment on Wednesday to check on them. Until them, I'm taking prenatals every day and OCP every other day. Fingers crossed. I'm feeling hopeful!

Fried eggs!

This week, at my acupuncture appointment, she introduced electricity! I nearly died when she attached the node to my foot - voltage was too high? However, she put two nodes on my "ovaries" and let it run for 10 mins! OUCH. I have had this constant throbbing pain ever since AND I had some weird chalky, brown discharge yesterday... no red flow.
If there were any eggs left in these sucky ovaries of mine, I hope she didn't fry them!

According to Cheri22

                                                      I got my reading today!!!

Here's the full message: 

They are showing me a GIRL and they relate her to MAY so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in.

I wonder if Cheri22 knows that I have POF. I hope it holds up, either way.

I guess we shall see..

Acupuncture is...

...heavenly! So, first things first. I didn't know if I would like my acupuncturist because she has a very weird way of dealing with patients (me). She called me the morning of my appointment to ask if I could come a little earlier so she could "fit more patients in". That was a turn-off. Also, during the initial phone consult, she asked me how I was getting to her office. She always seems so interested in me making it there on time and my mode of transport.
All of that aside, acupuncture is AWESOME. So, we had the initial questions and she asked why I was there. She kept insisting that I looked GREAT. She said I didn't look my age. I told here I was tired and usually am. She asked to see my tongue. When I showed it to her, she said "You thirsty!!" I told her I was, in fact, not thirsty and she asked if I was sure. On to the fun part...
The needles weren't nearly as bad as I thought they would be. She said she had to balance my hormones and also that my qi was not balanced. She also said I have a digestion issue (after looking at the eczema on my arms).
After she inserted the needles - in my ears, head, abdomen, shins and ankles - she left me there to rest for 30 minutes. She told me to focus on breathing in deeply. I breathed deeper than I've ever done before.
When my 30 minutes were up, she came back and took the needles out. I have another appointment for next Thursday. When I left, I felt EXHAUSTED. I don't know why.
Oh, and I was thirsty... apparently, she knew what she was talking about!

It was bound to happen...

I had SUCH a rough day today. I got THIS mail from the clinic today and then I just broke down:

Below are your lab results for today:

Estrogen <low

FSH 61

LH 21

Progesterone 0.3

MD has reviewed your results and here are your instructions:

From 3/20 to 3/26, please take TWO tablets of birth control pills.

From 3/27 to 3/28, please take ONE tablet of birth control pill.

Your next monitoring appointment is on 3/29/12 for bloodwork only.

Thank you.

----------------
Throw me a bone, please, universe! For the first time since this whole infertility diagnosis, I cried like a baby - right there at my desk. The weight was too much to bear today. At my appointment, there was not even the promise of a follicle. There was the cyst from last week, which was measuring 4mm, but nothing else. I have YET to see any activity whatsoever from my right ovary. The left one was blah today, too. I love (well, not really LOVE, I'm being sarcastic) when they say "your ovaries are quiet". No, quiet can be a good thing... my ovaries are not quiet, they are BROKEN. And, honestly, today I just want ovaries that work. Is that too much to ask?
So, now I have to take bcp again... to artificially lower my FSH levels again. Please let there be a better way. PLEASE.
And let's talk about the estrogen levels... what in the world is <low? Does that mean my estrogen levels are practically negative? I know it doesn't, but come on estrogen! Show up for the appointments, will you!!?
For now, all I can do is follow doctor's orders. I just hope I'm not standing in the same place in three years. Fingers crossed.
On another note, I went to my gyn, who delivered DD, and there was a pamphlet staring right in my face. There are a series of education workshops being put on by Columbia University surrounding fertility. The one tomorrow (as luck would have it) is on donor eggs. A part of me wants to go. They're not having that particular workshop again. They do have another I want to attend: Understanding Ovarian Reserve. It's on May 30th, but that's just around the corner.
I saw it as a little sign that the universe was saying "despite your day, I haven't given up on you, yet".
Anyway, tomorrow can ONLY be better. Thanks for making it this far!

Who do you tell?

?

Today I was casually talking to one of my co-workers when I slipped up about the acupuncture appointment. It naturally worked into conversation. We were talking about drinks for another co-worker, to which I'd already RSVPd yes, and I was telling him that it's actually a "no". He asked why and, before I could catch myself, I said "I have my acupuncture appointment that day".
"Acupuncture?" he inquired "why the heck do you need acupuncture?" And before I knew it, I was lying "You know I get terrible migraines... maybe it'll help."
When he walked away, I felt like such a loser. Did I really have to lie about my infertility? Why couldn't I just be honest. But a part of me felt like it wasn't really information I need to share with him. While I am close with this particular co-worker, I don't want to have to talk to him about my girl parts, working or not. He's the same co-worker who jokes that I'm pregnant all the time.When he does, I say "Trust me, I'm not". I wish people knew more about infertility and it didn't carry so much of a stigma. Maybe the stigma is in my head. Either way, I'm not quite ready to talk about it with every random person in my life.
So, how did you distinguish who to tell and who not to?

Two months ago, today...

 

...I received the most devastating news of my entire TTC "career". Not that I plan on marking it every single month. Honestly, the only reason I even knew that today marked 2 months is that I looked back at a post I wrote when I first got the news. I'm not sure I understood the severity of my issue. I thought, despite all of the research and testimonials I read, that I would be pregnant by March, FOR SURE. I bought Thanksgiving onesies on sale at Babies R Us anticipating a February BFP.

A lot has changed in two months. For one, I fired my old RE. I didn't fire him because he didn't tell me what I wanted to hear, I fired him because anyone who says "I shouldn't be telling you this over the phone" while he delivers a message in such a callous way, needs to be fired. I fired him because he essentially told me my body is a piece of crap and not worth fighting to fix. I fired him because he told me I could never have another biological child and I know it's not true.

I don't know how to explain it. I call it a feeling, but it's a bit more than that. I KNOW that I don't feel done yet and I can't tell you why. I just don't. So, now I have a new clinic that believes in the miracle of TTC with high FSH and I am happy with that. In addition, I'm starting acupuncture and I believe it will be beneficial if for nothing else than to calm me down. I'm on edge these days. 

Things are not the same as they were. Was there an insulating calmness in not knowing why my body didn't do what it was supposed to do every month? Yes. But knowing what the problem is and working with specialists to get answers is exactly what I needed to be doing. So, because these past two months have been tumultuous, defeating and eye-opening, I'm glad they are behind me. Onward and upward!

Acupuncture!!

 

Guess who has an appointment for next Thursday at 5:30pm! Yes, that would be THIS girl. To say I'm excited would be a huge understatement.
I'll admit, I was a little bit down yesterday. I was looking at my husband and thinking I should be pregnant right now... why doesn't my body work? I am not saying this in hopes that it will someday be true, I am saying it because I KNOW it will be true someday: I am going to have more biological children.
For a brief second yesterday, I doubted that. I thought about egg donors and how I could be pregnant next week (not really) if I just used someone else's eggs. I think egg donation programs are great, but I'm not ready to think about that yet. I want to exhaust all avenues before I look to egg donation. It saddened me that I thought about it yesterday because I feel like it's too early to be at the end of my rope!
So, I called an acupuncturist today. My insurance covers it. Have I ever told you what AWESOME insurance I have? I mean, honestly, if people could marry insurance policies, I'd marry mine. Anyway, the woman sounded nice enough. She seemed very worried about how I would make it to her office on time. She kept asking where I would be coming from and whether or not I would walk... I hope she's normal! LOL
At this point, acupuncture can't hurt... it can only HELP. I'm only saddened that I didn't do this sooner. I certainly thought about it.
Next stop on this POF train - diet modification. That may prove to be tricky, though. This girl loves her red meat and sodas. One step at a time... one step at a time!

Close, but no cigar...

Note from the nurse...

As the MD suspected, the follicle that was measured as a 17mm was indeed a cyst today measuring 9mm.

Estrogen 55

FSH 12

LH 6

Progesterone 0.6

Please be advised that the MD recommends to return in 1 week, 3/20/12, for bloodwork and sonogram. No medications are required at this time.

Have a good day!

-----------------

Back to square 1, I go!

Destination Maternity!

I took the day off today. I just needed a breather from work - I usually do. Thanks to the 17mm follie-cyst yesterday, I had to go in for another blood draw and sonogram - just my luck to have an appointment on our day off. I did manage to sleep in (is 8:30 considered sleeping in?) 

I got to the office at about ten after ten and had my blood draw. Then it was the waiting game to be called in for my sonogram. The nurse called me in and instructed me to get changed. The two minutes it took her to come back in felt like an eternity. She performed the sonogram and nothing came up on the screen. No more follie-cyst! Whatever that means, it's not as bad as the idea of having a huge cyst. So, I'm a bit relieved.

The optimist in me hopes it was a follie and that I've ovulated. The realist in me is just glad it's not a cyst. I was instructed to wait for my mail today with further instructions on where to go from there. I walked out into the the jungle that is NYC and I felt directionless.... not because I expected anything to happen, but because I really didn't know what to do next. Should I go to the store for my mom, should I go and get my hair washed, should I get my nails done? I couldn't decide. I went into the GAP to find a pair of jeans and left after 5 minutes of useless browsing. I decided to head west on 57th street towards my bus. I walked for about 3 avenues and decided to look up to see where I should go next. There was a HUGE sign that said "DESTINATION MATERNITY"... It was a mini-mall with maternity shops and a maternity spa. I made a mental note - must come here once we conceive. The sign put a little smile on my face... gave me some direction. Whether or not my appointment went the way I wanted it to go today, I am not directionless, nor purposeless. It may take a while to get to that BFP, but gosh darnit, I'm going to get there.

Destination maternity or BUST :)

Follicle or Cyst?

A mail from my clinic after my visit this morning:

 

This email is to inform you of your instructions.

 

Estrogen 54

FSH 9

LH 6

Progesterone 1

 

Please be advised that the sonogram confirmed a 17mm follicle, however the estrogen does not correspond with the size. Dr.  requests that you return tomorrow for bloodwork and sonogram to confirm if the follicle is true follicle or a cyst. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns.

So, what do you think? Is it a follicle or a cyst? I'm HOPING it's not a cyst, but an estrogen level that low is an indication that if it's not a cyst, it's a very poor quality egg. At least they are growing, right? Something good has to come along.

I'll keep you posted on the results.

As a bright spot, how awesome is that FSH level? Just beautiful!

Watching grass grow...

This has honestly been the longest two weeks of my life. Waiting for this appointment has been like watching grass grow. The two weeks leading up to the egg retrieval were filled with 8am appointments, daily mails from nurses and sonograms to measure the follie's growth. The only instruction for these two weeks has been "take OCP every other day". I almost failed my mission! After a whirlwind weekend, 2am arrived today and I realized "I didn't take my Saturday pill!!!"
I was talking to DH today and I told him that I have a nagging feeling that our bfp won't come from daily pokes and prods or medical intervention, but from a surprise. He responded that he doesn't care how it comes, as long as it does. I can't say I disagree...
Until that time, though, I am going to do exactly what the doctor orders if it means getting closer to my BFP!
Wish me luck for tomorrow that, in spite of daylight saving, I can get up and get to my appointment on time!

What a difference a week makes...

DH and I ate at IHOP this morning. I think that place is disgusting, but I still manage to eat there at least twice a month. We went last Sunday, too... the day of the egg retrieval. The mood today was bright. We had a good conversation, joked a bit... had some great coffee. Last week was different. There was an air of hope, with a little bit of pre-emptive despair in case our hope was premature. I wanted so badly for the egg to be a great one, but I was totally prepared for them to say it wasn't; which, of course, is what happened.
Last week was the culmination of two weeks of almost daily appointments. This past week, none... well, save for the egg retrieval. Something about not being pricked or prodded this week made me feel stagnant. BUT, then there were the stabbing pains near my ovaries: "Am I ovulating on my own?" I wondered. There were also the sore breasts: "This is a sign" I thought. And let's not forget, the EWCM. I never knew what EWCM was before my secondary infertility. I never had a reason to pay attention. But, when I saw it this week, I thought "what an evil body to try to trick me into thinking it's behaving normally!"
Time passes and new wounds heal, but you never forget the hope of the past. And, you think you are betraying yourself if you don't continue to hope. You hope for that surprise BFP one day. You hope that your body will have a momentary lapse in its hatred for you and behave like it should for once. And, if that doesn't happen, there's always science. Science, PLEASE don't fail me...

The Cracked Egg

Well, the eggie from the retrieval yesterday didn't make it! DH didn't believe me because I was laughing when I told him. He said he was waiting for me to say "just kidding". I wasn't laughing because I think it's funny. I just think this is going to be an interesting journey and maybe the laugh was more of a nervous laugh than anything.
Either way, back to the drawing board. I am taking OCP every other day (starting today) and I'll go back to the RE on Monday, Mar 12th.
Stay tuned.

Introduction

Hello blogland. My name is Nik. My goal with this blog is to share my POF journey and empower women while I'm at it. POF is premature ovarian failure. I'll get into that more at a later date.
In order to understand my story, we have to rewind to August 2009. At my annual exam, my GYN diagnosed me with PCOS - polycystic ovary syndrome. He offered that as an explanation for why my cycle was absent for the majority of the year. After doing some initial research, I decided it probably wouldn't be the end of the world. He handed me provera, to bring on a cycle, clomid, to induce ovulation and metformin, to control glucose levels (but it's used off-label to treat PCOS symptoms).
I'm not sure why, but I didn't buy it. I wanted to look at holistic ways of getting my cycle back. And I did... I started to work out, eat much better and get more sleep. I got an additional cycle, but nothing to write home about.
In 2011, I got married. After 2 wonderful weeks on a Hawaiian honeymoon, I came back to a battery of doctor appointments. First up was my GP. The appointment was pretty routine, but when I went for my follow-up, I was told I had a vitamin D deficiency! I couldn't believe it. After 2 weeks in Hawaii, I STILL had a vitamin D deficiency. So, after 4 weeks of 50,000 iU vitamin D per week, my cycle returned. That convinced me more than ever that there was something chemically imbalanced. That is when I decided to see a reproductive endocrinologist (RE).
At the same time, I joined a message board for women with PCOS. My RE ran a battery of tests, put me on provera, ran more tests. My cycles were always annovulatory. I took clomid for a cycle, nothing!
In December, I went back to my RE for more provera because my cycle hadn't returned after the Nov cycle (during which I took provera). After taking the Dec pills, my cycle didn't come.
Another visit to my RE revealed the most devastating news of my TTC journey. I had an elevated FSH level. I went back two days later to have my FSH rechecked and it came back at 85!
I asked the RE what the course of treatment would be for TTC and he said "donor eggs. You're done."
I have never been so crushed in my life. What followed was pretty similar to what happened when my dad died. I only wanted to stay in bed, with the curtains drawn, and be alone. I was mourning the loss of my fertility.
I went to GNC and bought menopause pills. When I got home, I took the first pill. The warning said not to operate machinery or vehicles while on the pills. It all felt so wrong. I was NOT ready to give up. I still want a biological child with my husband. I'm going to try my hardest to make it a reality.
Once I got over the initial shock, I made an appointment at an FSH-friendly clinic in NYC. On the day of my first appointment, the doctor I was to meet was on Dr. Oz! Talking about women with fertility issues! That was my sign.
In our initial meeting, they did bloodwork and explained different courses of action for POF. The doctor decided to put me on oral contraceptives (OCP). My FSH went from 85 to 47 to 27 to 10 to 6!!!! And then something miraculous happened - a follicle started to grow!
That brings me to the present. I had the first egg retrieval procedure yesterday and they are going to attempt to fertilize the egg today. I am currently in my waiting period to see if the egg fertilizes. If it does, we will attempt to grow some more eggs and eventually do IVF.
So, there's the story. I will keep you posted ever step along the way. This is my journey to the BFP I KNOW I am going to get....
Thank you for reading!