13w4d: NT scan last Friday and a clear sono pic with a human-looking baby!!!

It's amazing how much of a difference 3 weeks make. When I had my 10w sono, Pumpkin still looked like a little blob of a gummy bear. However, at my NT scan last week, I could see full facial features. Pumpkin was being so adorable, too... opening and closing his/her (although I'm leaning towards his) mouth and moving all over the place. I still don't have much of a bump, but Pumpkin is super busy in there!

I bought a doppler a couple of weeks ago. I was a little bit bummed that I hadn't heard the heartbeat - even though I was having appointments and everything was fine. Well, Dh and I FINALLY heard a solid heartbeat yesterday. I listened again this morning. It's the best thing. I'll take a recording and try to post it here.

Other than that, one more final tomorrow. I am taking a much-needed study break. I am about to lose my mind!

12w6d: NT scan tomorrow and I am so not ready...

Sorry for being MIA - law exams. I have not done anything outside of eating, sleeping and studying... that includes keeping up with my blog... and apparently doing the pre-screening for the NT scan. I was supposed to prick my finger at home (um, no) and mail it in a week before my appointment (absolutely didn't happen). The appointment is tomorrow... the prick kit is on my bed. *sigh*
I can't be the only pregnant woman to have done this... lol.

9w2d: Look who's growing so nicely!

 

  When I had my appointment on Thursday, I could see a difference in the size of Pumpkin with my naked eye. I decided to put all three photos together for comparison. 

At 6w6d, measuring 7w0d, Pumpkin was 9.17mm.

At 7w6d, measuring 8w0d, Pumpkin was 16.07mm.

At 8w6d, measuring 9w1d, Pumpkin was 24.15mm.

I know I can't be the only person fascinated by the growth of a human embryo. I keep telling dh that it's so interesting that Pumpkin knows "what to do". 

Apologies about the book and the cd in the picture. I had to flatten out these sono pics, somehow.

9w1d: Graduation from RE - pomp & circumstance

 

 I've never met a graduation I didn't love. While some people loathe the speeches, the endless sitting in an inappropriate venue sweating at the brow, the seemingly never-ending stream of people you don't know only to realize your graduate is coming through the other entrance... the one waaay on the other side of the room. Yeah, I get it. However, I have always loved graduations. Furthermore, I have always loved MY graduations. Maybe that explains why I enrolled in law school at the ripe old age of 30-cough-something, despite already having an advanced degree. I get one more shot at a graduation...

However, Thursday's graduation was of a different variety. Pumpkin (measuring 9w1d on Thursday) graduated from New Hope Fertility Center. It was bittersweet. I paid my final bill - but got another one in the mail this morning that doesn't match, so more on that later. I got another fuzzy sonogram picture (gotta love the blob). I got a letter to take to my new OB - I get to meet her on Wednesday, and I can't wait! I got a cd of "powerful music by Mozart", which is RIGHT up my alley. AND, in a weird twist of events, when I got back from my RE appointment, someone at work gave me back the copy of Inconceivable I had loaned her in the Fall (when she came to me crying about her high FSH levels). So, Thursday was a day of new beginnings, sans the junior band playing pomp and circumstance. 

This is such an exciting and important step. I am so happy to have made it here. I can definitely feel my mid-section expanding. I know my uterus is supposedly only the size of a grapefruit, but I am feeling quite pregnant, now - and nauseated... in case any one of the two readers of my blog wondered.

When I finished up with my sonogram there, I asked the nurse what happens after I have my baby: "will you guys call me? should I call you?" She looked at me with puzzlement and said "uh, we'll probably call you... or you can call us... whatever works." Hahaha... I'm sure they won't miss me one bit, but I'm kinda gonna miss those guys!

6w6d: heartbeat... you make me feel so sweet!

Had my first sono today! Pumpkin is measuring 7w0d and everything seems to be right on target. I didn't get a chance to ask the nurse how many bpms for Pumpkins heart. Dh was there at the beginning of the appointment, but missed the sono because NYC parking sucks and he had to move the car.
I have two more appointments at the fertility clinic, then they release me to my OB.

6w1d: Had a final beta yesterday!

Yesterday I went in for my final beta. I can't say that I was looking forward to it. On Sunday, my beta was over 3,000 and I read somehwere (I'm always reading something somewhere) that you can see a sac once the beta gets above 1,000. I really didn't understand why they kept having me in.

Either way, I got the email yesterday at noon and my beta was over 10,000... no more betas! I plugged the betas into the beta calculator and the doubling times are good! Thank goodness. Like I said in my last post - I don't mind sonograms, but please don't take any more of my blood!

I have a sonogram on Thursday at 6w6d. The best news is that dh will be able to come because schools are out this week. We can't wait to meet you, Pumpkin!!!

Here's the mail from the clinic:

Estrogen 578
Progesterone 35
HCG 10,907

Instructions:
Please continue the medications as instructed
Please refrain from heavy lifting, running/jogging, and strenous activities

Your next appointment is scheduled for Thursday, 3/28/13, for your first
ultrasound. Please be advised no blood work is necessary anymore.

5w2d: Appointment and another beta

Today I went into the city for another beta. I think after the last appointment, I wrote that my next appointment would include a sonogram. No such luck. Seems that I have to go back for only a beta on Friday.

You would think after all the pricking and prodding, I would be used to it by now. Well, I'm not. I can deal with all sorts of gadgets up my hoo-ha. I can deal with sonograms. But for some reason, I just can't stand the sight of skin being punctured. This is going to make for a long 8 months, eh? Actually, if Pumkin comes on time or early, I have less than 8 months left. That is celebration worthy!

I went to Home Goods with my sister - who needed to find a jewelry tray for her dresser. Of course, I walked out with an elephant stool for Pumpkin. Then, I went to gymboree to get dd a birthday shirt (I pretty much do it every year) and they had an outfit that was just screaming "buy me for Pumpkin", so I did. However, I don't plan to do much more shopping. I really need to focus on school and leave the shopping for summer break.

Anyway, here's the mail from the clinic...

Your blood results from today are as follows:

Estrogen 427
Progesterone 33
BHCG 3229

Based on these levels, it indicates that the pregnancy is progressing well.
Please continue taking all your medications and come back on 3/22/13 for
blood work.

2nd Beta: 465

I went in this morning for my second beta. It wasn't a full 48 hours after my last appointment, but it was close enough. My beta two days ago was 244 and today, it was 465. I have a doubling time of 48.3 hours, which is in the acceptable range of 31-72 hours, so I'm happy.

Now, I don't have to go in multiple times a week; I can start going in weekly. My next appointment is next Sunday for another beta. After that appointment, the one afterward should include a sonogram.

Daylight saving time began today and it's always a lot harder to spring forward than it is to fall back. I am just taking it easy for the rest of the day because I know work this week will wear me out faster than I can say Friday.

Since I can't have any more wine, I had to find a new social drink. On Friday, I went to a pal's house and she had a really good sparkling cider. I grabbed two bottles of it today when I went on my grocery run! I have to pace myself because I'm totally the person who could drink a whole bottle in one sitting.

Anyway, nothing more to report... I haven't been doing much other than taking naps and generally being lazy.

OHHH... I did get a pinterest account. My stars is that thing confusing. It MADE me follow five random people before I could get an account. How do I make that stop? I don't want to follow five random people. I just picked 5 interesting looking ones, but now I'm getting all of their pins. I guess I have to play around with it a little bit.

The little embie that could...

So, as I mentioned this morning, the clinic did not call to tell me to come in. Since it's an hour away, I headed out at 10am, anyway. I got there a little early, with DH and my sis in tow. When the nurse called me in, I saw a wrist-band on the table. That was a good sign! It meant I was going to have a procedure done! Wooo hooo... There was this picture on the table - the same one from above.

The nurse said something along the lines of the embie looking great and being ready to do the procedure and that there was one woman ahead of me. I disrobed, put my things in my locker, then went to the waiting room and grinned like nobody's business. It was happening!

There was one other woman waiting there, who I came to know had traveled all the way from Madrid to have her procedure done. She was also transferring one embryo, but hers was a day 4 transfer. This was said entirely in Spanish because she spoke no English! She was very nice, though and we parted with mutual "buenas suertes"wishes.

The procedure was really quick (10 minutest tops). The doctor was really nice and explained everything, talking along the way. He said the procedure went well and wished me luck. When it was all over, I wanted to lie there for 3 days to make sure it stuck. In reality, I know that's not how it happens, but I just wanted to take every precaution imaginable.

I went to the recovery room where, even though I had just used the bathroom not more than 20 minutes before, I could not contain myself. I spent the entire time shaking my legs and was quite relieved when the nurse came in.

The nurse handed me my instruction sheet... nothing in the vaginal cavity, no bubble baths, no tampons, keep taking the progesterone and estradiol and come back on 3/8/13 for the blood test. She also gave me an HCG injection which she said they believe helps with implantation. Fingers crossed!

So, there you have it, folks! I have to go back next Friday! I am so honored to have made it this far. I really am. This is the day I was told would never happen just a short 13.5 months ago. It has really been a fantastic experience so far and I can't wait to share more of my journey.

LAW

On our way to get our embie...

Our procedure is at 11:45. The clinic told me yesterday that they would call me back this morning and they haven't. However, since I was already confirmed (twice) for 11:45, I am just going to go in.

I have been up since roughly 4:30/5. I have a ton of crap to do later today - namely finish up the final touches on my brief. I can't think of anything but this embie, though!

Fingers crossed that I'll have wonderful news later on today!!!

LAW

We have an embie!!!

That's not mine in the picture! Hahaha...

The lab called this morning to tell me that the egg fertilized (thank you for all the positive thoughts/vibes/etc.)

Transfer is tentatively scheduled for tomorrow morning at 11:45am.

This is happening, folks!

That's all I can write. I have to finish this legal brief!

LAW - love always wins!

Retrieved an egg today...

This morning, I woke up at 4am! Nerves? I'm not sure. We had an egg retrieval appointment at 8:00. Dh and I got there early and I tried to busy myself in the waiting area.

I went in for the sonogram, first, to make sure the follicle was still there. And it was - measuring a nice, plump 21mm! The doctor (a new woman I've never seen before) said my lining was good, which was comforting. I told her that if the egg fertilized, I want a fresh transfer for this cycle - not frozen.

Next was the procedure room. My instructions for retrieval day were to not wear anything with perfume - no lotion, deodorant, etc. I can survive a morning without deodorant, but I cannot survive a morning without lotion. When I changed into my hospital gown, it looked like I had fallen into a vat of flour. All for a good cause!

I felt more pain at this retrieval than I felt at the one almost exactly a year ago (2/28, I think??) But, they got the egg and Dh made his contribution, so we are just waiting. We should hear by tomorrow at 3pm whether it's viable or not. If it is viable, they will do the embryo transfer on Sunday morning at 11:45.

In the interim, I am taking progesterone suppositories 2x daily and estradiol (2mg per day).

I felt on top of the world after the procedure. I went to the mall and bought a ton of girly clothing. Since my hormones have been regulated, I've felt more like "dressing up" and accessorizing.

I'll follow up tomorrow to let you know the news from the doc!

Keep crossing those fingers!!!

Appointment results from yesterday

So, at my sonogram yesterday, there was a 15.5mm follie. I couldn't believe it! Last Friday, there were two - 4mm and 7mm, natch both on the left ovary. However, I didn't expect 15.5mm. The follie from last year did NOT grow that quickly. This is a good sign.

After my appointment, I got the following mail (truncated):

-----------------------------

Please confirm receipt of email

Hope this email finds you well. Dr. Yang reviewed your test result today and below is your medication instructions.

Blood test result:

Estradiol (E2):245

FSH:8

Luteinizing hormone (LH):11

Progesterone (P4): 0.3

As per MD, your hormone level shows that your LH is elevated. Elevated LH means that you are starting to surge on your own. Possible egg retrieval tomorrow IF the follicle is still there._ Please try to be here at 7am tomorrow for STAT blood and ultrasound.

No Nasal Spray tonight. 

-------------------------------

What a way to scare me!!! I leave the clinic talking about possibly triggering that night and get an email about coming in the very next day (today) for an egg retrieval. This train was moving at 200mph. 

So, DH and I went this morning, but the egg retrieval wasn't necessary. My LH was only 8 today - so no spike. However, my E2 levels were slightly lower - 240. Of course the crazy-lady in me hit the internet right away to see if that was a harbinger, but the sites I read seemed to think it was okay.

I am really hoping that it doesn't signify a decrease in egg quality. I asked the nurse what the E2 drop meant and she said it could mean that the egg is done maturing. 

So, I have to trigger with the nasal spray tonight. $80 nasal spray! $80 nasal spray that I had at home and DH threw away... I digress...

I have another appointment tomorrow morning and they will most likely schedule egg retrieval for Friday morning.

I haven't been to work all week because of school work, but it all works out for my appointments. It also helps that school is right around the corner from the clinic.

Please send vibes for a healthy egg retrieval, if you've got any vibes to spare!!!

If you surrender to the wind...

There is a quote by Toni Morrison that I have just been loving...

"If you surrender to the wind you can ride it" - Toni Morrison

sur·ren·der (s -r n d r). v. sur·ren·dered, sur·ren·der·ing, sur·ren·ders. v.tr. 1. To relinquish possession or control of to another because of demand or compulsion.

In my foolish youth, I saw surrender as such a dirty word! Nik doesn't surrender... she prevails... against the obstacles, against the odds.

However, I am a firm believer that you have everything within you, RIGHT NOW, to be everything you will ever need to be. 

It wasn't until I met DH that I realized there is some strength in surrender. There is some strength in having a bit of vulnerability. 

Life and love are a beautifully-orchestrated dance where sometimes it's just not your turn to lead...

If you surrender, the strength of something else can propel you. If you fight, you are not propelled as far AND you'll be worn out. 

Today I am surrendering. I am surrendering to the legal brief that desires completion. I am surrendering to the clinic making a last-minute decision to not retrieve my egg today, but wait until Friday. I am surrendering to the  desire to just take a minute for myself and to steal a couple of deep breaths and quiet time without feeling guilty.

I will ride it...

LAW

I've never met a wagon I didn't love...

And, just that quickly, I am back on the "TTC" wagon.

So, let me take a step back... and by back, I mean late December. With the year drawing to a close, I realized I still had roughly $1k in my medical spending account. My account, like many, is one of those "use it or lose it accounts". I could have let the money go to waste, but I decided to book whatever doctor appointments we would routinely have in the spring. I booked the dentist for the three of us, the optometrist and... there was still money left over... even after I bought a pair of glasses.

Well, if you'd ever paid attention to my other posts where I lamented about the cost of infertility treatments, you know that going back to the clinic was a quick way to spend some cash.

I went back, initially, to get more HRT/BCP... and, who am I kidding? I wanted to know what my FSH levels were since the night sweats were back in full force.

Naturally, they put me on the BCP right away. They wanted me to take two pills a day. I did and went for my weekly visits and at some point my FSH went down to 6 and they told me to stop. However, when I stopped, my FSH went back up to 25. So, they told me to go on, again... and something happened. I got the flu and couldn't make it in. However, I kept taking the BCP thinking that once I was over my bug, I would go in. Well, that stabilized my FSH. Once they took me off again, it didn't go back up.

Now, at that point, they were only doing bloodwork. There weren't any numbers to indicate that a follicle was growing, so they didn't give me a sonogram. FSH was stable enough (at a high 21, but stable nonetheless) but I wasn't growing a follie.

Then I got the dreaded mail. It went something like "if something doesn't happen soon, we're going to bring you in to discuss further treatment with the doctor". I was crushed! PLEASE... don't give up. Just wait a little bit and give a follie a chance to grow.

So, I went in on Valentine's day. How un-romantic. They normally draw my blood and tell me they'll email me later, but they told me to stay for a sonogram. A sonogram! And I saw it... right on the screen... two little follies. One measuring 7mm and one measuring 4mm. I'll take it!

I shared the news right away with DH and my sister. I spent the weekend trying not to do anything wrong... no coffee (although I did have wine) and just generally stayed under the radar.

Today I went back. There's a 15.5mm follie! The doctor said "this is like waiting for a bus... we have to make sure we catch it on time." I have also been instructed to carry my nasal spray with me because "you may have to trigger at any time".

If you are in the finger crossing business, please cross them... if meditation is your thing, please spare a thought... if you love candles, please light one... Whatever you do, please stand with us in solidarity to get this little follie to his/her rightful home...

Thanks for reading... and remember, LAW - love always wins...

Off the proverbial wagon...

Well, there aren't usually images of fertility drummed up when we talk about the "wagon", but I have quit my RE. I've just had a bunch going on in my life with law school, new job (which I start on July 16th) and transitioning out of the old job. I felt like I was having weekly appointments just so the nurse could tell me that nothing was going on downstairs. At $35 a pop, it got pretty expensive. The appointments were scheduled early in the morning and it just made getting there impossible and interfered with work.
I am not excited about having to give up my RE. Well, to be clear, I didn't HAVE to give him up. Either way, I think leaving means that I'm definitely not getting my symptoms under wraps any time soon. When I left, I was on OCP every other day to stabilize my FSH. I never found out whether they went down or not. I also stopped the OCP. After taking them at least every other day for 2 months, I expected a cycle - but two weeks later, I have nothing.
So, I think my body is clearly trying to tell me that it's done. I don't think I'm okay with that, but I'm so busy, I don't have time to think about it. If I didn't have law and everything else occupying my time, I'd probably be sulky and broody, but I haven't really had time to think about it.
I guess when things go quiet, I can get a better indication? Until then, I'm gonna enjoy this sun!

Yeah, the wind is definitely out of these sails...

When I first started my treatments for infertility, I did EVERY single thing they asked me to do: stand on my head, sleep in the bathtub, eat only ice cubes... well, they didn't ask me to do any of that, but you get my point. Well, in recent weeks, I've kind of "given up", which I alluded to in a former post. Further evidence of that can be drawn from the fact that I missed my appointment yesterday - AND, I didn't realize it until about 20 minutes ago. They asked me to come in tomorrow after I emailed them about the oversight and I wanted to say "can I just wait another week?"

I have a dark spot on my left arm, which seems to be the only arm with blood in it so they draw from the same exact place every time. I'm sick of being poked and prodded - awesome, more ANGER.

So, next appointment is set for tomorrow. I'll let you know how it goes!

FSH is back up...

I read something once that said you are only as good as your highest FSH level. Gosh, I was hoping it was LOWEST... but no. So, I'm only as good as my FSH level of 100? That level screams... "ovaries? what ovaries?" My ovaries are shriveled up lump of all things unholy. However, I need to find the positive in this. I will say that my left ovary consistently attempts to give me a follie! The right one is the turn-coat. I'm not sure whose team she's on. So, at my appointment on Wednesday, the 8mm follie from last week was long gone, but there was a new 5mm follie on the left side. The right - nada!
I am doubling up OCP for a couple of days, then taking one per day until my next appointment on the 9th. The 9th must be a good day for fertility, because another friend with POF has an appointment that day and my sister has a SONOGRAM... oh yes, she's with child :) It's not public, yet. Neither is this blog, so I can say it here! Ok. So, fingers crossed for everyone on the 9th. Let's bring back some good stories.


My FSH is 33 now. Here's the mail from the clinic after my visit on Wednesday:

Please confirm receipt of this email.Below are your blood results for today:
Estrogen: <L
FSH: 33
LH:14
 p4: 0.5


At this time, the MD has reviewed your results and your instructions are as follows:

Please be aware that since your FSH was unable to stabilize at the lower level once the MD weaned your body off the birth control pill, the MD would like you to begin taking the birth control pills again to bring the levels back down.  Your FSH was at 17 when you last monitored, however today it went back up to 33.  The MD would like to try the birth control suppression again to see if your body will be able to have the levels remain low enough to begin IVF treatment.

Please begin taking two birth control pills daily from today 5/2 until 5/5

Please decrease to ONE birth control pill daily from 5/6 until 5/8


Your next appointment is scheduled for: Wednesday May 9th, 2012 at Columbus Circle.

Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns.
Have a great day!

Felt like giving up...

I'm not proud of that fact, but the past couple of days have been a little bit of a low point for me. I guess it all started on Wednesday when I had my appointment at the clinic. I used my time there to also square away my mounting bill. I paid it in full to the tune of $912!!! Yes, $912 USD! Do you know what I could do with $912? That was the primary thought running through my head. $555 of that $912 was for the cracked egg retrieval. I had to pay half a grand for them to retrieve a scrambled egg. So, of course, I took to the internet to see what the odds were of them ever retrieving an egg that was worth $5, much less $555 and the stats weren't encouraging.
The other thing that made the $912 news seem so insurmountable was the follie check. Do you remember the two follies measuring around 8mm just a week before? Well, I guess they were on vacation. Now there's only a 9mm follie. And, I'm not saying "ONLY" to sound like an ingrate, but that means that I'm embarking on another natural IVF cycle. So, I have my next appointment on Tuesday, 2-May to see how that follie is developing and I'm taking OCP every other day until 30-April.
So, here's the mail from the clinic until Tuesday. I will update as soon as I know something more:

This email to inform you about your bloodwork results and your instructions for today, April 25th, 2012:

E2 133

FSH 17

LH 10

Progesterone 0.6

Dr.Wong reviewed your results, please see your instructions below :

• Please continue with birth control pills, 1 tablet, every other day. Last pill on 4/30/12.

• Please return to office on 5/2/12 at 9am, to Columbus Circle location, for bloodwork and ultrasound.

Please let me know if you have any questions regarding this email.

Thank you and have a great day.

It's been a while...

I took the girl to Jamaica to celebrate her birthday. We were there for only 5 short days, but the lead-up and wind-down have taken more out of me than I realized. We got back on Wednesday night - 18-April. I had an appointment on Thursday morning. I had been taking birth control pills every other day and having crazy twinges every single day - which I attributed to the shock therapy I got at acupuncture.
Well, not sure if it was the shock therapy or the fact that I was forced to relax, even if for only 5 days, but I have two follicles growing. There was the obligatory one on the left side - which always seems to be there. HOWEVER, there was one on the right side as well. I have never seen anything but dust on that side, so I was happy for the news. On Thursday, they were measuring 7.5mm on the right and 8mm on the left.
Grow follies, grow! I have an appointment on Wednesday to check on them. Until them, I'm taking prenatals every day and OCP every other day. Fingers crossed. I'm feeling hopeful!