Oh NIH, where have you been all my life... well, for the last 4 months, at least!

 A while back, read about 4 weeks ago, I stumbled across a FB group for women with POF. I wasn't entirely sure whether or not I wanted to join because not everyone knows about my POF and I certainly didn't need it on my timeline every time I posted to the group! Either way, I thought my sanity has to be worth a little bit more than my pride! I need people who understand what I'm going through and can help me through this - and I want to help others if I can, as well.
Either way, I got the message that I was accepted to the closed group yesterday! Naturally, I did the obligatory intro post: Hi, I'm Anika. I have POF and I'm devastated. To my astonishment, people responded. Not that I thought they wouldn't, but it wasn't just "Hi Anika. Welcome!" It was more like "Did you do x? What about Y? You should also try Z... it's worked for a lot of us."
So, a couple of women there mentioned that even after FSH levels elevated into the hundreds, ok 102 and 108, I believe, THEY CONCEIVED. One conceived naturally and had the profile picture to prove it.
Now, I don't mean to go back into the denial stage. I am in 3 stages simultaneously, so to get out of one would be really awesome. However, THERE IS HOPE. Maybe not in my case, but in someone's case, there is hope.
So, one of the women also gave me the website to the NIH. NIH, I LOVE YOU! There is a center, 4 hours drive from my home, that deals specifically with POF. *cue the hallelujah music* I called today and they are accepting patients for September 2012 (which coincides with my  law school start date o_O). I am going to do this, though. I owe it to myself and my broken ovaries to get answers.
I will update once I've read through the introductory packet they've ALREADY sent me (talk about efficient).
Here's the link for your perusal. I will update once I take a look through all of the info.
http://poi.nichd.nih.gov/index.html

FSH is back up...

I read something once that said you are only as good as your highest FSH level. Gosh, I was hoping it was LOWEST... but no. So, I'm only as good as my FSH level of 100? That level screams... "ovaries? what ovaries?" My ovaries are shriveled up lump of all things unholy. However, I need to find the positive in this. I will say that my left ovary consistently attempts to give me a follie! The right one is the turn-coat. I'm not sure whose team she's on. So, at my appointment on Wednesday, the 8mm follie from last week was long gone, but there was a new 5mm follie on the left side. The right - nada!
I am doubling up OCP for a couple of days, then taking one per day until my next appointment on the 9th. The 9th must be a good day for fertility, because another friend with POF has an appointment that day and my sister has a SONOGRAM... oh yes, she's with child :) It's not public, yet. Neither is this blog, so I can say it here! Ok. So, fingers crossed for everyone on the 9th. Let's bring back some good stories.


My FSH is 33 now. Here's the mail from the clinic after my visit on Wednesday:

Please confirm receipt of this email.Below are your blood results for today:
Estrogen: <L
FSH: 33
LH:14
 p4: 0.5


At this time, the MD has reviewed your results and your instructions are as follows:

Please be aware that since your FSH was unable to stabilize at the lower level once the MD weaned your body off the birth control pill, the MD would like you to begin taking the birth control pills again to bring the levels back down.  Your FSH was at 17 when you last monitored, however today it went back up to 33.  The MD would like to try the birth control suppression again to see if your body will be able to have the levels remain low enough to begin IVF treatment.

Please begin taking two birth control pills daily from today 5/2 until 5/5

Please decrease to ONE birth control pill daily from 5/6 until 5/8


Your next appointment is scheduled for: Wednesday May 9th, 2012 at Columbus Circle.

Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns.
Have a great day!

It was bound to happen...

I had SUCH a rough day today. I got THIS mail from the clinic today and then I just broke down:

Below are your lab results for today:

Estrogen <low

FSH 61

LH 21

Progesterone 0.3

MD has reviewed your results and here are your instructions:

From 3/20 to 3/26, please take TWO tablets of birth control pills.

From 3/27 to 3/28, please take ONE tablet of birth control pill.

Your next monitoring appointment is on 3/29/12 for bloodwork only.

Thank you.

----------------
Throw me a bone, please, universe! For the first time since this whole infertility diagnosis, I cried like a baby - right there at my desk. The weight was too much to bear today. At my appointment, there was not even the promise of a follicle. There was the cyst from last week, which was measuring 4mm, but nothing else. I have YET to see any activity whatsoever from my right ovary. The left one was blah today, too. I love (well, not really LOVE, I'm being sarcastic) when they say "your ovaries are quiet". No, quiet can be a good thing... my ovaries are not quiet, they are BROKEN. And, honestly, today I just want ovaries that work. Is that too much to ask?
So, now I have to take bcp again... to artificially lower my FSH levels again. Please let there be a better way. PLEASE.
And let's talk about the estrogen levels... what in the world is <low? Does that mean my estrogen levels are practically negative? I know it doesn't, but come on estrogen! Show up for the appointments, will you!!?
For now, all I can do is follow doctor's orders. I just hope I'm not standing in the same place in three years. Fingers crossed.
On another note, I went to my gyn, who delivered DD, and there was a pamphlet staring right in my face. There are a series of education workshops being put on by Columbia University surrounding fertility. The one tomorrow (as luck would have it) is on donor eggs. A part of me wants to go. They're not having that particular workshop again. They do have another I want to attend: Understanding Ovarian Reserve. It's on May 30th, but that's just around the corner.
I saw it as a little sign that the universe was saying "despite your day, I haven't given up on you, yet".
Anyway, tomorrow can ONLY be better. Thanks for making it this far!

Introduction

Hello blogland. My name is Nik. My goal with this blog is to share my POF journey and empower women while I'm at it. POF is premature ovarian failure. I'll get into that more at a later date.
In order to understand my story, we have to rewind to August 2009. At my annual exam, my GYN diagnosed me with PCOS - polycystic ovary syndrome. He offered that as an explanation for why my cycle was absent for the majority of the year. After doing some initial research, I decided it probably wouldn't be the end of the world. He handed me provera, to bring on a cycle, clomid, to induce ovulation and metformin, to control glucose levels (but it's used off-label to treat PCOS symptoms).
I'm not sure why, but I didn't buy it. I wanted to look at holistic ways of getting my cycle back. And I did... I started to work out, eat much better and get more sleep. I got an additional cycle, but nothing to write home about.
In 2011, I got married. After 2 wonderful weeks on a Hawaiian honeymoon, I came back to a battery of doctor appointments. First up was my GP. The appointment was pretty routine, but when I went for my follow-up, I was told I had a vitamin D deficiency! I couldn't believe it. After 2 weeks in Hawaii, I STILL had a vitamin D deficiency. So, after 4 weeks of 50,000 iU vitamin D per week, my cycle returned. That convinced me more than ever that there was something chemically imbalanced. That is when I decided to see a reproductive endocrinologist (RE).
At the same time, I joined a message board for women with PCOS. My RE ran a battery of tests, put me on provera, ran more tests. My cycles were always annovulatory. I took clomid for a cycle, nothing!
In December, I went back to my RE for more provera because my cycle hadn't returned after the Nov cycle (during which I took provera). After taking the Dec pills, my cycle didn't come.
Another visit to my RE revealed the most devastating news of my TTC journey. I had an elevated FSH level. I went back two days later to have my FSH rechecked and it came back at 85!
I asked the RE what the course of treatment would be for TTC and he said "donor eggs. You're done."
I have never been so crushed in my life. What followed was pretty similar to what happened when my dad died. I only wanted to stay in bed, with the curtains drawn, and be alone. I was mourning the loss of my fertility.
I went to GNC and bought menopause pills. When I got home, I took the first pill. The warning said not to operate machinery or vehicles while on the pills. It all felt so wrong. I was NOT ready to give up. I still want a biological child with my husband. I'm going to try my hardest to make it a reality.
Once I got over the initial shock, I made an appointment at an FSH-friendly clinic in NYC. On the day of my first appointment, the doctor I was to meet was on Dr. Oz! Talking about women with fertility issues! That was my sign.
In our initial meeting, they did bloodwork and explained different courses of action for POF. The doctor decided to put me on oral contraceptives (OCP). My FSH went from 85 to 47 to 27 to 10 to 6!!!! And then something miraculous happened - a follicle started to grow!
That brings me to the present. I had the first egg retrieval procedure yesterday and they are going to attempt to fertilize the egg today. I am currently in my waiting period to see if the egg fertilizes. If it does, we will attempt to grow some more eggs and eventually do IVF.
So, there's the story. I will keep you posted ever step along the way. This is my journey to the BFP I KNOW I am going to get....
Thank you for reading!