9w1d: Graduation from RE - pomp & circumstance

 

 I've never met a graduation I didn't love. While some people loathe the speeches, the endless sitting in an inappropriate venue sweating at the brow, the seemingly never-ending stream of people you don't know only to realize your graduate is coming through the other entrance... the one waaay on the other side of the room. Yeah, I get it. However, I have always loved graduations. Furthermore, I have always loved MY graduations. Maybe that explains why I enrolled in law school at the ripe old age of 30-cough-something, despite already having an advanced degree. I get one more shot at a graduation...

However, Thursday's graduation was of a different variety. Pumpkin (measuring 9w1d on Thursday) graduated from New Hope Fertility Center. It was bittersweet. I paid my final bill - but got another one in the mail this morning that doesn't match, so more on that later. I got another fuzzy sonogram picture (gotta love the blob). I got a letter to take to my new OB - I get to meet her on Wednesday, and I can't wait! I got a cd of "powerful music by Mozart", which is RIGHT up my alley. AND, in a weird twist of events, when I got back from my RE appointment, someone at work gave me back the copy of Inconceivable I had loaned her in the Fall (when she came to me crying about her high FSH levels). So, Thursday was a day of new beginnings, sans the junior band playing pomp and circumstance. 

This is such an exciting and important step. I am so happy to have made it here. I can definitely feel my mid-section expanding. I know my uterus is supposedly only the size of a grapefruit, but I am feeling quite pregnant, now - and nauseated... in case any one of the two readers of my blog wondered.

When I finished up with my sonogram there, I asked the nurse what happens after I have my baby: "will you guys call me? should I call you?" She looked at me with puzzlement and said "uh, we'll probably call you... or you can call us... whatever works." Hahaha... I'm sure they won't miss me one bit, but I'm kinda gonna miss those guys!

12dp2dt: Confirmed a pregnancy

Obvious from the last post, I could not wait to POAS. Not only did I do it 9dpt, but I did it at 10 and 11, as well. I have labeled them by the date. The blue-dye ones do not keep well, at all. I promise my urine is not GOLD. You can't even see that they were positives, now.

 On the day before my OTD, I had some REALLY bad cramping and what I thought was spotting. It wasn't really... anyway, it was enough to freak me out, make me go home and miss school. I got home at 4:30, after leaving work early, and slept for FOUR hours, at which point I woke up to find messages galore from my law buddies - making me feel so loved. Yesterday morning, at 12dpt, I had my appointment and got the following mail from the clinic:

 This email is to inform you of your instructions: Estrogen 322 Progesterone 39 HCG 244 Please be advised that the pregnancy test was POSITIVE Instructions: Continue Estrogen and Progesterone supplementation at this time Refrain from heavy lifiting, jogging, and excessive exercise. Your next appointment is scheduled for 3/10/13 to confirm that the pregnancy level is increasing.

To say I'm over the moon is an understatement. We are calling this baby, Pumpkin. I haven't told anyone outside of here, my sister and one law friend... oh, and dh knows, too. LOL

1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day

That's what my TTC ticker says today. It's obviously a lie. We are no longer TTC. However, it's pretty sobering to see that we started this journey over a year and a month and a week ago. Very sobering. Last year, I thought I'd be the mom of 3 month old twins or triplets by now. Well, my OB/GYN gave me clomid and said "take this and go have sex". He had no idea about the POF - because he never ran any tests - but I looked up the clomid and said "holy  moo, I'm going to have twins with this thing."
I thought about the stroller I would use. I thought about what I would name them if they were both girls... or if one was a boy and the other was a girl. I thought about how we would have to move the bookshelves out of our third bedroom to make it a nursery. Then, I thought, well, maybe DH and I could take the smaller bedroom and give the twins the master bedroom. I knew where each crib would go and where our two gliders would be... and, yes, we needed two so DH could rock one to bed and I could, too. And I thought about how cheesy our xmas card would look and how I wouldn't waste this maternity leave away like I did when I had dd. I thought about how I would still attempt to exclusively breast feed the babies for 6 months, just like I did with dd and how I would take them to gymboree classes.
If any part of my plan were to get sidetracked, I only anticipated that it would be the timing of it all... what if I didn't have the babies in July, but August or September, instead? However, I never thought I would be an evening law student with an 8 year old an no babies. I never thought I would have warm legs every night due to hot flashes and grief/anger/denial about it all.
No, not one year into it... not one year and one week into it... and certainly not one year, one month, one week and one day...

Just saw the ticker at the top of my page...

And it says we've been TTC for 11 months. I can't say that we've actually been TTC for 11 months because we actually are at the point where we are not timing, measuring, tracking nor going to appointments for anything. At some point, I hope to get back on the wagon - I'm not sure it'll happen while I'm in law school, which will be the next 4 years. Once I'm done with law school, I've got a feeling that the last thing on my mind will be having a baby.

I'm starting to feel like our ship may have REALLY sailed and I'm not sure if I'm okay with that. Going to law school every night is a constant reminder that I am infertile because the original plan was that I would go to law school ONLY if I didn't get pregnant. Every single school night, I'm made to remember "you are here because you are not pregnant" because had I gotten pregnant, I wouldn't have even thought to pursue this dream.

Law school has been good for me. It's a great outlet, it's extremely interesting and I'm meeting tons of great people. However, with all that being said, I'd much rather have a ticker that says "your baby is now 2 months old"...

I've ovulated!!!

Of course I find out after the fact because I just haven't tracked that stuff. So, remember the EWCM and tender breasts I spoke about? WELL, now they make sense! Obviously, I wish ovulation would have led to the next best thing (pregnancy), especially since the Mr. and I have gotten it on like two felines in heat, but I'll take ovulation over dead nether-regions ANY DAY. That's me up top doing my happy dance.

Now I wish I had tracked a little better! Fingers crossed for more ovulating days ahead :)

Yesterday made 6 months...

And to commemorate, my RE sent me a bill! Haha. It wasn't a terrible bill. It was just about $175, but goodness gracious. If you ever want to know what it feels like to flush money down the toilet, just be a woman with POF and see an RE. Now, this is not a knock on REs, at all... I actually like my RE and plan to return once I hear back from NIH on whether I was chosen for the study this fall. However, waiting for something to happen is seriously like watching grass grow. I have never been on such a hormonal roller coaster in my life - and I mean that literally.

So, how did I mark the day? Well, for one, I forgot all about it until just about 5 minutes ago. How's that for ceremonial?

I started an old/new job! So, it was pretty low-key and uneventful.

And then, of course, there was the bill.

What have I done in the past 6 months? I smacked against a brick wall when I got the diagnosis and felt like my world was caving in... then I proceeded to go through grief stages in an insane way, mostly toggling between denial and bargaining. I've stopped buying baby clothes - I had an INSANE addiction. I've told some people... and by some I mean no more than 10. And, I've decided that since life isn't going to stop, I'm going to go on. That's the way it happens sometimes. I'm definitely not as far as I expect to go with this POF diagnosis, but I'm definitely not where I was 6 months (and one day) ago... and that's a good thing!

Two months ago, today...

 

...I received the most devastating news of my entire TTC "career". Not that I plan on marking it every single month. Honestly, the only reason I even knew that today marked 2 months is that I looked back at a post I wrote when I first got the news. I'm not sure I understood the severity of my issue. I thought, despite all of the research and testimonials I read, that I would be pregnant by March, FOR SURE. I bought Thanksgiving onesies on sale at Babies R Us anticipating a February BFP.

A lot has changed in two months. For one, I fired my old RE. I didn't fire him because he didn't tell me what I wanted to hear, I fired him because anyone who says "I shouldn't be telling you this over the phone" while he delivers a message in such a callous way, needs to be fired. I fired him because he essentially told me my body is a piece of crap and not worth fighting to fix. I fired him because he told me I could never have another biological child and I know it's not true.

I don't know how to explain it. I call it a feeling, but it's a bit more than that. I KNOW that I don't feel done yet and I can't tell you why. I just don't. So, now I have a new clinic that believes in the miracle of TTC with high FSH and I am happy with that. In addition, I'm starting acupuncture and I believe it will be beneficial if for nothing else than to calm me down. I'm on edge these days. 

Things are not the same as they were. Was there an insulating calmness in not knowing why my body didn't do what it was supposed to do every month? Yes. But knowing what the problem is and working with specialists to get answers is exactly what I needed to be doing. So, because these past two months have been tumultuous, defeating and eye-opening, I'm glad they are behind me. Onward and upward!