I've never met a wagon I didn't love...

And, just that quickly, I am back on the "TTC" wagon.

So, let me take a step back... and by back, I mean late December. With the year drawing to a close, I realized I still had roughly $1k in my medical spending account. My account, like many, is one of those "use it or lose it accounts". I could have let the money go to waste, but I decided to book whatever doctor appointments we would routinely have in the spring. I booked the dentist for the three of us, the optometrist and... there was still money left over... even after I bought a pair of glasses.

Well, if you'd ever paid attention to my other posts where I lamented about the cost of infertility treatments, you know that going back to the clinic was a quick way to spend some cash.

I went back, initially, to get more HRT/BCP... and, who am I kidding? I wanted to know what my FSH levels were since the night sweats were back in full force.

Naturally, they put me on the BCP right away. They wanted me to take two pills a day. I did and went for my weekly visits and at some point my FSH went down to 6 and they told me to stop. However, when I stopped, my FSH went back up to 25. So, they told me to go on, again... and something happened. I got the flu and couldn't make it in. However, I kept taking the BCP thinking that once I was over my bug, I would go in. Well, that stabilized my FSH. Once they took me off again, it didn't go back up.

Now, at that point, they were only doing bloodwork. There weren't any numbers to indicate that a follicle was growing, so they didn't give me a sonogram. FSH was stable enough (at a high 21, but stable nonetheless) but I wasn't growing a follie.

Then I got the dreaded mail. It went something like "if something doesn't happen soon, we're going to bring you in to discuss further treatment with the doctor". I was crushed! PLEASE... don't give up. Just wait a little bit and give a follie a chance to grow.

So, I went in on Valentine's day. How un-romantic. They normally draw my blood and tell me they'll email me later, but they told me to stay for a sonogram. A sonogram! And I saw it... right on the screen... two little follies. One measuring 7mm and one measuring 4mm. I'll take it!

I shared the news right away with DH and my sister. I spent the weekend trying not to do anything wrong... no coffee (although I did have wine) and just generally stayed under the radar.

Today I went back. There's a 15.5mm follie! The doctor said "this is like waiting for a bus... we have to make sure we catch it on time." I have also been instructed to carry my nasal spray with me because "you may have to trigger at any time".

If you are in the finger crossing business, please cross them... if meditation is your thing, please spare a thought... if you love candles, please light one... Whatever you do, please stand with us in solidarity to get this little follie to his/her rightful home...

Thanks for reading... and remember, LAW - love always wins...

Yesterday made 6 months...

And to commemorate, my RE sent me a bill! Haha. It wasn't a terrible bill. It was just about $175, but goodness gracious. If you ever want to know what it feels like to flush money down the toilet, just be a woman with POF and see an RE. Now, this is not a knock on REs, at all... I actually like my RE and plan to return once I hear back from NIH on whether I was chosen for the study this fall. However, waiting for something to happen is seriously like watching grass grow. I have never been on such a hormonal roller coaster in my life - and I mean that literally.

So, how did I mark the day? Well, for one, I forgot all about it until just about 5 minutes ago. How's that for ceremonial?

I started an old/new job! So, it was pretty low-key and uneventful.

And then, of course, there was the bill.

What have I done in the past 6 months? I smacked against a brick wall when I got the diagnosis and felt like my world was caving in... then I proceeded to go through grief stages in an insane way, mostly toggling between denial and bargaining. I've stopped buying baby clothes - I had an INSANE addiction. I've told some people... and by some I mean no more than 10. And, I've decided that since life isn't going to stop, I'm going to go on. That's the way it happens sometimes. I'm definitely not as far as I expect to go with this POF diagnosis, but I'm definitely not where I was 6 months (and one day) ago... and that's a good thing!

Off the proverbial wagon...

Well, there aren't usually images of fertility drummed up when we talk about the "wagon", but I have quit my RE. I've just had a bunch going on in my life with law school, new job (which I start on July 16th) and transitioning out of the old job. I felt like I was having weekly appointments just so the nurse could tell me that nothing was going on downstairs. At $35 a pop, it got pretty expensive. The appointments were scheduled early in the morning and it just made getting there impossible and interfered with work.
I am not excited about having to give up my RE. Well, to be clear, I didn't HAVE to give him up. Either way, I think leaving means that I'm definitely not getting my symptoms under wraps any time soon. When I left, I was on OCP every other day to stabilize my FSH. I never found out whether they went down or not. I also stopped the OCP. After taking them at least every other day for 2 months, I expected a cycle - but two weeks later, I have nothing.
So, I think my body is clearly trying to tell me that it's done. I don't think I'm okay with that, but I'm so busy, I don't have time to think about it. If I didn't have law and everything else occupying my time, I'd probably be sulky and broody, but I haven't really had time to think about it.
I guess when things go quiet, I can get a better indication? Until then, I'm gonna enjoy this sun!

Felt like giving up...

I'm not proud of that fact, but the past couple of days have been a little bit of a low point for me. I guess it all started on Wednesday when I had my appointment at the clinic. I used my time there to also square away my mounting bill. I paid it in full to the tune of $912!!! Yes, $912 USD! Do you know what I could do with $912? That was the primary thought running through my head. $555 of that $912 was for the cracked egg retrieval. I had to pay half a grand for them to retrieve a scrambled egg. So, of course, I took to the internet to see what the odds were of them ever retrieving an egg that was worth $5, much less $555 and the stats weren't encouraging.
The other thing that made the $912 news seem so insurmountable was the follie check. Do you remember the two follies measuring around 8mm just a week before? Well, I guess they were on vacation. Now there's only a 9mm follie. And, I'm not saying "ONLY" to sound like an ingrate, but that means that I'm embarking on another natural IVF cycle. So, I have my next appointment on Tuesday, 2-May to see how that follie is developing and I'm taking OCP every other day until 30-April.
So, here's the mail from the clinic until Tuesday. I will update as soon as I know something more:

This email to inform you about your bloodwork results and your instructions for today, April 25th, 2012:

E2 133

FSH 17

LH 10

Progesterone 0.6

Dr.Wong reviewed your results, please see your instructions below :

• Please continue with birth control pills, 1 tablet, every other day. Last pill on 4/30/12.

• Please return to office on 5/2/12 at 9am, to Columbus Circle location, for bloodwork and ultrasound.

Please let me know if you have any questions regarding this email.

Thank you and have a great day.