Dear body...

What have I ever done to you to make you hate me so? Yes, I know I've eaten at McDonald's more times than I should admit. I know I stayed up way later than any person ever should - on several occasions. I know I've been saying I am going to replace those shoes with the worn out soles - but I just love them so much and they're so stinking cute! I probably should also exercise more... and by more, I mean that I should exercise. Sometimes I forget my vitamins. I drink wine at lunch time (hey, spend a day at my job and you'll drink at lunch, too). However, I am your friend! Please be mine!

If you're wondering what's eating my grape, I have been having horrendous cramps on and off all day long. When I was a teen, I absolutely hated cramps. They were the bane of my existence, but they served a purpose. There is absolutely NO REASON for me to have cramps right now! At all. I know my body did not consult me on this one, but had it, I would have said "I'm okay with cramps if there's something to be crampy about!"

The cycle last week was a normal cycle (I'm still celebrating in my head). But, having another one right after this is pretty much unheard of - women with POF do not have regular, unassisted cycles. So, really, what is the point of having a crampy/throbby abdomen?

On a more joyful note, I contacted the nurse at NIH to see if a decision has been made about the fall study. Fingers crossed... I would REALLY love the opportunity to go there and get this POF thing sorted for once and for all. I've only heard good things about the study.

Yesterday made 6 months...

And to commemorate, my RE sent me a bill! Haha. It wasn't a terrible bill. It was just about $175, but goodness gracious. If you ever want to know what it feels like to flush money down the toilet, just be a woman with POF and see an RE. Now, this is not a knock on REs, at all... I actually like my RE and plan to return once I hear back from NIH on whether I was chosen for the study this fall. However, waiting for something to happen is seriously like watching grass grow. I have never been on such a hormonal roller coaster in my life - and I mean that literally.

So, how did I mark the day? Well, for one, I forgot all about it until just about 5 minutes ago. How's that for ceremonial?

I started an old/new job! So, it was pretty low-key and uneventful.

And then, of course, there was the bill.

What have I done in the past 6 months? I smacked against a brick wall when I got the diagnosis and felt like my world was caving in... then I proceeded to go through grief stages in an insane way, mostly toggling between denial and bargaining. I've stopped buying baby clothes - I had an INSANE addiction. I've told some people... and by some I mean no more than 10. And, I've decided that since life isn't going to stop, I'm going to go on. That's the way it happens sometimes. I'm definitely not as far as I expect to go with this POF diagnosis, but I'm definitely not where I was 6 months (and one day) ago... and that's a good thing!

Oh NIH, where have you been all my life... well, for the last 4 months, at least!

 A while back, read about 4 weeks ago, I stumbled across a FB group for women with POF. I wasn't entirely sure whether or not I wanted to join because not everyone knows about my POF and I certainly didn't need it on my timeline every time I posted to the group! Either way, I thought my sanity has to be worth a little bit more than my pride! I need people who understand what I'm going through and can help me through this - and I want to help others if I can, as well.
Either way, I got the message that I was accepted to the closed group yesterday! Naturally, I did the obligatory intro post: Hi, I'm Anika. I have POF and I'm devastated. To my astonishment, people responded. Not that I thought they wouldn't, but it wasn't just "Hi Anika. Welcome!" It was more like "Did you do x? What about Y? You should also try Z... it's worked for a lot of us."
So, a couple of women there mentioned that even after FSH levels elevated into the hundreds, ok 102 and 108, I believe, THEY CONCEIVED. One conceived naturally and had the profile picture to prove it.
Now, I don't mean to go back into the denial stage. I am in 3 stages simultaneously, so to get out of one would be really awesome. However, THERE IS HOPE. Maybe not in my case, but in someone's case, there is hope.
So, one of the women also gave me the website to the NIH. NIH, I LOVE YOU! There is a center, 4 hours drive from my home, that deals specifically with POF. *cue the hallelujah music* I called today and they are accepting patients for September 2012 (which coincides with my  law school start date o_O). I am going to do this, though. I owe it to myself and my broken ovaries to get answers.
I will update once I've read through the introductory packet they've ALREADY sent me (talk about efficient).
Here's the link for your perusal. I will update once I take a look through all of the info.
http://poi.nichd.nih.gov/index.html