So hard to say goodbye...

After my last post, I'd gone under the radar for a bit. Part of it was the end of the first semester of law school, which brought with it a ton of "to-do" items. The other part of it was being in super-aunt planning stealth mode! I was awaiting the arrival of my youngest sister's baby. The baby was due on 1/4/13 and I put in my bid for 12/21 so that baby and I could be birthday buddies.

On my birthday, my sister and I both took the day off and we were traipsing around the city. We had errands to run, but my sister was also feeling huge and heavy and wanted to "walk the baby out"! I even joked about giving my sister pitocin cookies to get things started.

Three days later, things were carrying on as normal. My sister had her annual Xmas eve party and baby was the center of all the jokes that imagined my sister in the hospital on Xmas day. My sister continued to insist that she thought the baby would come on the 4th of Jan.

On Xmas day, we awoke, went to my mom's house and opened gifts per the norm. My sister remarked that the baby, "Boo" as she was affectionately called, was active the night before. She felt a weird jolt and asked me to feel her stomach. When I felt her stomach, she felt a snapping sensation and rushed to the bathroom! "My water broke!" I couldn't believe my ears... the baby was coming on Xmas.

Excitement, anticipation, you name it and the air was thick with every emotion. My husband packed up the car and my sister and I went to grab a couple of last minute things from her house.

We phoned her husband and told him to make his way to the hospital PRONTO - he was off visiting family in a different part of the city.

The next hour is a blur... we checked in... the nurses told me I had to wait in the waiting room while they checked my sister (sure, pretty typical... no worries)... I waited and made small talk with the other visitors... then the nurse came and got me...

"Well, you can go ahead and sit with your sister. We were trying to find the baby's heartbeat and we couldn't, so the doctor is going to come in and check..."

Crafty baby! Turn around... stop hiding! It's Xmas... come and get your birthday song!

As I walked into the makeshift tent, I tried to forget what the nurse had just said. INCREDIBLE... I don't believe you! Get a doctor in here... he's going to find the baby's heartbeat.

Then the doctor came....

And I saw...

right on the screen... I saw a little spine... and I saw a heart... and I believe I saw chambers, but don't quote me... and it was still... quiet... peaceful.

And I squeezed my sisters hand. And the nurse started crying... she looked to my sister and I. And we looked at each other in disbelief. We came to have a baby! Where is our baby!!!??? What's next?

On December 26, 2012 at 11:52am, my sister delivered the most beautiful baby girl I have ever laid eyes on. Boo! She had the warmest, sweetest-smelling skin... and her lips were RUBY RED! Xmas baby with red lips. I never knew a heart-break like the one I knew that day.

My sister.... strongest woman on earth, in my estimation. In the midst of the curve-ball life had thrown at her, she turned to me and said... "go ahead... pick her up!"

Thank you for sharing your baby with me! I was so honored. She could have taken all of those moments to herself since she knew exactly how finite they were... but she shared Boo with me. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

The most beautiful little soul... she embodied everything that is perfect in this world. She brought to mind a Roberta Flack song....

The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes And the moon and stars were the gifts you gave To the dark and the empty skies, my love  

To the dark and the empty skies

 *Missing Boo more and more every day... born sleeping on 12/26/2012*

1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day

That's what my TTC ticker says today. It's obviously a lie. We are no longer TTC. However, it's pretty sobering to see that we started this journey over a year and a month and a week ago. Very sobering. Last year, I thought I'd be the mom of 3 month old twins or triplets by now. Well, my OB/GYN gave me clomid and said "take this and go have sex". He had no idea about the POF - because he never ran any tests - but I looked up the clomid and said "holy  moo, I'm going to have twins with this thing."
I thought about the stroller I would use. I thought about what I would name them if they were both girls... or if one was a boy and the other was a girl. I thought about how we would have to move the bookshelves out of our third bedroom to make it a nursery. Then, I thought, well, maybe DH and I could take the smaller bedroom and give the twins the master bedroom. I knew where each crib would go and where our two gliders would be... and, yes, we needed two so DH could rock one to bed and I could, too. And I thought about how cheesy our xmas card would look and how I wouldn't waste this maternity leave away like I did when I had dd. I thought about how I would still attempt to exclusively breast feed the babies for 6 months, just like I did with dd and how I would take them to gymboree classes.
If any part of my plan were to get sidetracked, I only anticipated that it would be the timing of it all... what if I didn't have the babies in July, but August or September, instead? However, I never thought I would be an evening law student with an 8 year old an no babies. I never thought I would have warm legs every night due to hot flashes and grief/anger/denial about it all.
No, not one year into it... not one year and one week into it... and certainly not one year, one month, one week and one day...

:(

That is all... that's how I'm feeling. ABOUT EVERYTHING!
And while I'm quite cognizant that I've got absolutely nothing to pout about... I mean, there is some person in some remote part of the world who doesn't have running water/heat/food or something else he or she needs. I don't NEED anything.
I am still feeling *blah*, though.
I feel like no one understands what I'm going through. Bless their hearts for trying, but they don't REALLY "get" it... they just love me and say they get it so I won't feel alone. But knowing they REALLY don't get it is the loneliest thing ever.
:(
The hot flashes are back. The irritability is back. The feelings of despair are back.
Not to mention, EVERY.SINGLE.PERSON in the world has taken an interest in my uterus. Being in law school hasn't bought me an out, either.
"Why don't you guys have a baby now? You can do it!"
I'm sure they  mean well. Sometimes, I want to scream:
BECAUSE I CAN'T, okay!!! I JUST CAN'T!
But that won't help things any... so, instead, I make up some crummy joke about 1 being enough and not having time with law school and all. And then I come home and feel horrible because I have no eggs!
*sigh*

BFN!

So, for those of you not down with the TTC (trying to conceive) lingo, BFP means big fat positive... you can deduce what BFN means.

Let me start by saying, I knew in the back of my head that there was no way I was pregnant. However, a few things happened and got me started... my aunt dreamt fish (I know it's superstitious, but hey...), my boobs got tender and full again and I started cramping, I was nauseous for the better part of the week and my mid-section feels full. Now, I knew with about 99.999% certainty that it was not a pregnancy, but most likely my body just being its silly old self.

Against my better judgment, I bought a pregnancy test  four pregnancy tests. They were on sale. Buy two, get two half off. I'm not sure what I need with more tests than I have eggs, but I love a bargain. After my husband picked me up from school, I asked him to take me to the pharmacy. My daughter asked if she could come in with me, but I didn't need her all up in my business, so I told her I would get her a surprise if she stayed in the car. I was in and out of the store in less than 5 minutes, with a huge ball in hand to distract her.

My husband knew right away. He said "you bought a test, didn't you". In my entire relationship with this man, I have probably only bought 2 pregnancy tests, so I'm not sure how he guessed it right away. I 'fessed up and told him that before I start school I want to be absolutely certain and then told him of my symptoms.

With that, he dropped me at home and I took the test.

I knew. I knew it was a no. And I told him this much because he was jittery and hopeful and I didn't want him to think we had a chance. And, in the end, after two minutes, I had one line... one LONELY line. I held the test at several different angles and it was still one line. I left it for an extra minute and tried to pretend I needed to dust the shelf in the bathroom... but still... one... line.

I'm not sure why I did it to myself. And now I've got 3 more tests taunting me that I know I will probably never have any use for.

So, I guess that is my sign. I am meant to start law school. There is no turning back, now. A part of me still feels like I am supposed to be a mom again, but I guess it's just not meant to be...

Just saw the ticker at the top of my page...

And it says we've been TTC for 11 months. I can't say that we've actually been TTC for 11 months because we actually are at the point where we are not timing, measuring, tracking nor going to appointments for anything. At some point, I hope to get back on the wagon - I'm not sure it'll happen while I'm in law school, which will be the next 4 years. Once I'm done with law school, I've got a feeling that the last thing on my mind will be having a baby.

I'm starting to feel like our ship may have REALLY sailed and I'm not sure if I'm okay with that. Going to law school every night is a constant reminder that I am infertile because the original plan was that I would go to law school ONLY if I didn't get pregnant. Every single school night, I'm made to remember "you are here because you are not pregnant" because had I gotten pregnant, I wouldn't have even thought to pursue this dream.

Law school has been good for me. It's a great outlet, it's extremely interesting and I'm meeting tons of great people. However, with all that being said, I'd much rather have a ticker that says "your baby is now 2 months old"...

Yesterday made 6 months...

And to commemorate, my RE sent me a bill! Haha. It wasn't a terrible bill. It was just about $175, but goodness gracious. If you ever want to know what it feels like to flush money down the toilet, just be a woman with POF and see an RE. Now, this is not a knock on REs, at all... I actually like my RE and plan to return once I hear back from NIH on whether I was chosen for the study this fall. However, waiting for something to happen is seriously like watching grass grow. I have never been on such a hormonal roller coaster in my life - and I mean that literally.

So, how did I mark the day? Well, for one, I forgot all about it until just about 5 minutes ago. How's that for ceremonial?

I started an old/new job! So, it was pretty low-key and uneventful.

And then, of course, there was the bill.

What have I done in the past 6 months? I smacked against a brick wall when I got the diagnosis and felt like my world was caving in... then I proceeded to go through grief stages in an insane way, mostly toggling between denial and bargaining. I've stopped buying baby clothes - I had an INSANE addiction. I've told some people... and by some I mean no more than 10. And, I've decided that since life isn't going to stop, I'm going to go on. That's the way it happens sometimes. I'm definitely not as far as I expect to go with this POF diagnosis, but I'm definitely not where I was 6 months (and one day) ago... and that's a good thing!

Packed up my baby things...

On June 6th, a relative gave birth to a little boy. I have a ton of boy/neutral stuff and thought the healthy thing to do would be to pack it all up - in addition to the stuff I bought her for her baby - and ship it all to her. I thought a healed person would be able to do it... and, more than anything else, it would have been a nice gesture to send someone over $400 worth of newborn - 12 month stuff.
Couldn't do it. I packed it up, taped it and darn near wrapped it. When I got home that night, pangs overcame me... they were pains that indicated that I am STILL mourning my fertility. We started TTC 9 months and 3 weeks ago. That baby was born on what should have been our due date. While I was happy for the relative, I was unhappy for me.
While I know the clothes are not doing anything for anyone buried in a drawer in my house, I knew I wasn't ready to get rid of them, so I didn't.

I did send her a nice little bag of stuff that I had picked especially for her baby, though. Good compromise, in my estimation!

Five things you don't want to say to a woman with secondary infertility...

1) She needs a brother or sister - yeah, I tried to buy another one, but my card declined.

2) Well, at least you already have one - gee, what was I thinking trying to plan my OWN family and crap?

3) It saves you money - actually, it was a lot cheaper when I got knocked up unexpectedly and had a child at 24... infertility drugs are expensivo!

4) Just wait, your time will come - oh, I had no idea that what I'm doing now doesn't qualify as waiting

5) You just might be pregnant right now... you never know - No, I do know jack-wagon, because I have doctor's appointments at least twice a week and I'm sure they would have NOTICED if I suddenly had pregnancy hormones!

Oh NIH, where have you been all my life... well, for the last 4 months, at least!

 A while back, read about 4 weeks ago, I stumbled across a FB group for women with POF. I wasn't entirely sure whether or not I wanted to join because not everyone knows about my POF and I certainly didn't need it on my timeline every time I posted to the group! Either way, I thought my sanity has to be worth a little bit more than my pride! I need people who understand what I'm going through and can help me through this - and I want to help others if I can, as well.
Either way, I got the message that I was accepted to the closed group yesterday! Naturally, I did the obligatory intro post: Hi, I'm Anika. I have POF and I'm devastated. To my astonishment, people responded. Not that I thought they wouldn't, but it wasn't just "Hi Anika. Welcome!" It was more like "Did you do x? What about Y? You should also try Z... it's worked for a lot of us."
So, a couple of women there mentioned that even after FSH levels elevated into the hundreds, ok 102 and 108, I believe, THEY CONCEIVED. One conceived naturally and had the profile picture to prove it.
Now, I don't mean to go back into the denial stage. I am in 3 stages simultaneously, so to get out of one would be really awesome. However, THERE IS HOPE. Maybe not in my case, but in someone's case, there is hope.
So, one of the women also gave me the website to the NIH. NIH, I LOVE YOU! There is a center, 4 hours drive from my home, that deals specifically with POF. *cue the hallelujah music* I called today and they are accepting patients for September 2012 (which coincides with my  law school start date o_O). I am going to do this, though. I owe it to myself and my broken ovaries to get answers.
I will update once I've read through the introductory packet they've ALREADY sent me (talk about efficient).
Here's the link for your perusal. I will update once I take a look through all of the info.
http://poi.nichd.nih.gov/index.html

Yeah, the wind is definitely out of these sails...

When I first started my treatments for infertility, I did EVERY single thing they asked me to do: stand on my head, sleep in the bathtub, eat only ice cubes... well, they didn't ask me to do any of that, but you get my point. Well, in recent weeks, I've kind of "given up", which I alluded to in a former post. Further evidence of that can be drawn from the fact that I missed my appointment yesterday - AND, I didn't realize it until about 20 minutes ago. They asked me to come in tomorrow after I emailed them about the oversight and I wanted to say "can I just wait another week?"

I have a dark spot on my left arm, which seems to be the only arm with blood in it so they draw from the same exact place every time. I'm sick of being poked and prodded - awesome, more ANGER.

So, next appointment is set for tomorrow. I'll let you know how it goes!

5 stages of infertility grief

A friend asked me how I was doing and it forced me to think for a little bit. How AM I doing? The answer is not always clear-cut. Some days are better than others. For instance, last  week Wednesday was d-day for a few people I know who have fertility issues. We all had appointments and I thought we would all get exceptional news about the day, but it was the exact opposite. NO ONE got good news. You'd have to imagine that with enough days like that, one wouldn't be doing so well.

My news last week was that no follie is growing. I am being weaned off OCP once again, which I'm not too optimistic about. Add to that, the fact that infertility treatments are extremely expensive and you've got one unhappy lady this way.

If I looked at the five stages of grief as:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
I'd have to say I am toggling between anger and bargaining on any given day. It makes sense, right, I am grieving the loss of my fertility. And, not only the loss, but the unexpected loss because had this happened at 47, I don't think I'd blink nary an eye. But for it to happen 4 months after my wedding day dead smack in the middle of me saying "I think I am ready for another baby", well, that's just cruel.

I am not ready to be infertile, so every.single.time I see a snot nosed teenager on FB showing her belly pics or talking about how her "hubby", who is usually some equally underaged snot, looks so cute sleeping with their other baby, I just want to throw a chair - ANGER

Whenever I hear about people who don't invest in their children, curse out their children, don't properly nourish their children, etc..., but still manage to have FIVE, yeah... makes me want to punch a hole in a wall - ANGER

But, then, I think... maybe I will do yoga every day - BARGAINING

And juice all of my meals and take shots of wheat grass and go to bed at 7 and do EVERY.SINGLE.THING that other women don't have to do in order to get knocked up - ANGRY BARGAINING

and then... maybe, just maybe, I will get tender boobs, or nauseous after I eat my favorite meal or tired as soon as I wake up and take a test just for the heck of it to find out that we are indeed, against the odds, expecting - DENIAL

So, yeah, as you can see, we've got a long way to go. I have things keeping me busy - but not busy enough. I can only take it day by day. That's all I can do. And one day, I hope to write about my acceptance... in whichever form it takes.