Survivor's guilt & delinquency

I know I have been MIA for quite a bit. I do apologize. The primary reason is that Pumpkin is into everything you can imagine. Six months flew by and I find myself wondering where time has gone. The secondary reason is that I started this blog to serve as a resource for women with pof who needed a place to sound off. I have gotten wonderful feedback from so many of you and I've met a bunch of great people through th is forum, but I do feel a slight twinge of guilt. For one, I want ALL of my readers to be able to experience what I am and this does not seem like the place to post pics of my growing bundle! However, I would love to introduce you guys to him.
So, feedback time. I'm ready to blog more about pof... share life after baby, new symptoms, etc. But, I will only do that if people want that. So, tell me... am I over thinking this?

9w3d: A book give-away

When I first found out I had POF, I went straight to the internet. I reckon I probably just typed in "POF: what now?" or something of the sort. I found a number of blogs (ok, maybe 2) and message boards. On one of the message boards, that was specifically for PCOS, not POF, I met another woman who responded to my post there and said she had POF, as well.

She recommended Julia Indichova's book, Inconceivable. I was willing to try everything. My husband doesn't believe that I read the book in 2 hours flat. I was that enthralled. I was at the beginning of y diagnosis and would have tried ANYTHING.

I cut meat out of my diet right away (and that only lasted two weeks). I stopped drinking coffee - instead I had a green shake every morning. I even tried acupuncture. I did not try the yoga and I could not bring myself to try the wheatgrass. However, that cycle that I employed the techniques of Ms. Indichova was the cycle that I grew the cracked egg. Maybe it would have worked had I done it for longer.

 Ms. Indichova did manage to conceive. If my memory serves me correctly, her FSH was above 20 in the month she conceived naturally. I don't want to reveal too much of the story, so if reading is your thing, I definitely think you should read this book. If reading is not your thing, you should still read it. It's not a difficult read at all.

Either way, as a lover of books, I do believe they are for sharing. So, if anyone would like to win this book give-away, please leave a comment on this post and I will pick a winner I will have DD pick a winner (randomly).

Good luck!

1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day

That's what my TTC ticker says today. It's obviously a lie. We are no longer TTC. However, it's pretty sobering to see that we started this journey over a year and a month and a week ago. Very sobering. Last year, I thought I'd be the mom of 3 month old twins or triplets by now. Well, my OB/GYN gave me clomid and said "take this and go have sex". He had no idea about the POF - because he never ran any tests - but I looked up the clomid and said "holy  moo, I'm going to have twins with this thing."
I thought about the stroller I would use. I thought about what I would name them if they were both girls... or if one was a boy and the other was a girl. I thought about how we would have to move the bookshelves out of our third bedroom to make it a nursery. Then, I thought, well, maybe DH and I could take the smaller bedroom and give the twins the master bedroom. I knew where each crib would go and where our two gliders would be... and, yes, we needed two so DH could rock one to bed and I could, too. And I thought about how cheesy our xmas card would look and how I wouldn't waste this maternity leave away like I did when I had dd. I thought about how I would still attempt to exclusively breast feed the babies for 6 months, just like I did with dd and how I would take them to gymboree classes.
If any part of my plan were to get sidetracked, I only anticipated that it would be the timing of it all... what if I didn't have the babies in July, but August or September, instead? However, I never thought I would be an evening law student with an 8 year old an no babies. I never thought I would have warm legs every night due to hot flashes and grief/anger/denial about it all.
No, not one year into it... not one year and one week into it... and certainly not one year, one month, one week and one day...

For those of you in NYC: Columbia's new fertility workshops!

If you are in the NYC area, Columbia University has come out with their new fertility workshop schedule for Fall 2012/Spring 2013. I literally squealed when I checked the mail.

There is one that I'd really like to go to on January 16th: Understanding Ovarian Reserve

Hop on over to their website and see if there's anything that interests you. It's free and it's Columbia - they have some of the best fertility doctors around.

Best of luck!

http://columbiafertility.org/resources/PFEW0812_0213.pdf

Dear body...

What have I ever done to you to make you hate me so? Yes, I know I've eaten at McDonald's more times than I should admit. I know I stayed up way later than any person ever should - on several occasions. I know I've been saying I am going to replace those shoes with the worn out soles - but I just love them so much and they're so stinking cute! I probably should also exercise more... and by more, I mean that I should exercise. Sometimes I forget my vitamins. I drink wine at lunch time (hey, spend a day at my job and you'll drink at lunch, too). However, I am your friend! Please be mine!

If you're wondering what's eating my grape, I have been having horrendous cramps on and off all day long. When I was a teen, I absolutely hated cramps. They were the bane of my existence, but they served a purpose. There is absolutely NO REASON for me to have cramps right now! At all. I know my body did not consult me on this one, but had it, I would have said "I'm okay with cramps if there's something to be crampy about!"

The cycle last week was a normal cycle (I'm still celebrating in my head). But, having another one right after this is pretty much unheard of - women with POF do not have regular, unassisted cycles. So, really, what is the point of having a crampy/throbby abdomen?

On a more joyful note, I contacted the nurse at NIH to see if a decision has been made about the fall study. Fingers crossed... I would REALLY love the opportunity to go there and get this POF thing sorted for once and for all. I've only heard good things about the study.

Night sweats!!

So, I got a tad bit optimistic the other morning when my cycle appeared. I thought for sure it meant my body was regulating itself. However, this morning I woke up drenched in sweat. As many of you know, night sweats are one of the common symptoms of "menopause" and a lot of women with POF suffer from it.

I can't say that I've always paid attention. I do remember feeling hot some evenings, but once I was diagnosed, I paid closer attention. June was a particularly "hot" month for me. I remember showering every night and every morning and feeling like I couldn't escape the sweat... last night was a repeat.

I wore shorts and a tank top to bed and, while we do sleep with a comforter on the bed, the air was going all night long. I still felt like I was trapped outdoors during a heat wave. What gives?

I was hoping this cycle would give me a head-start to growing a follie, but if I'm already having night sweats, my symptoms are probably too advanced. I'm going to keep a close eye on my symptoms. I know the chances are pretty slim that I'll ovulate two months in a row, but it's worth a shot!

Yesterday made 6 months...

And to commemorate, my RE sent me a bill! Haha. It wasn't a terrible bill. It was just about $175, but goodness gracious. If you ever want to know what it feels like to flush money down the toilet, just be a woman with POF and see an RE. Now, this is not a knock on REs, at all... I actually like my RE and plan to return once I hear back from NIH on whether I was chosen for the study this fall. However, waiting for something to happen is seriously like watching grass grow. I have never been on such a hormonal roller coaster in my life - and I mean that literally.

So, how did I mark the day? Well, for one, I forgot all about it until just about 5 minutes ago. How's that for ceremonial?

I started an old/new job! So, it was pretty low-key and uneventful.

And then, of course, there was the bill.

What have I done in the past 6 months? I smacked against a brick wall when I got the diagnosis and felt like my world was caving in... then I proceeded to go through grief stages in an insane way, mostly toggling between denial and bargaining. I've stopped buying baby clothes - I had an INSANE addiction. I've told some people... and by some I mean no more than 10. And, I've decided that since life isn't going to stop, I'm going to go on. That's the way it happens sometimes. I'm definitely not as far as I expect to go with this POF diagnosis, but I'm definitely not where I was 6 months (and one day) ago... and that's a good thing!

Impractically Idealistic...

Let me start by saying I don't think being idealistic is wholly a bad thing. There are probably times when idealism serves as a great motivator. However, when it comes to POF, it's probably a bit better to stay on the realistic side of things... which is not where I've been this week.
So, before I run the risk of sounding like a straight loony, I will say... Hi. I have POF and I know this means I'm infertile...
BUT, something is happening. I feel like my hormones are normalizing - kinda sorta. I have something along of the vein of libido occupying me. It's foreign! I have normal CM (if you don't know what that is, it's probably just as well!) I have VERY tender breasts... like "don't hug me" tender... and the girls are big. I'm normally an A+/B- cup, but I think I am a veritable B cup... perhaps even a B+ for the past 2 weeks. And then... oh, of course there had to be an "and then", I stopped taking OCP and my cycle never came!
Now, to an ordinary person who has no idea what POF is, you are probably saying "TAKE A TEST... you are probably pregnant". That's what others have said... some who know and some who don't... my husband was one!
But, if you are similarly afflicted, you know I shouldn't waste my $13 or however much those things run for nowadays.
So, I will end this by saying... Hi. I have POF and I know this means I'm infertile... we shall see...

Off the proverbial wagon...

Well, there aren't usually images of fertility drummed up when we talk about the "wagon", but I have quit my RE. I've just had a bunch going on in my life with law school, new job (which I start on July 16th) and transitioning out of the old job. I felt like I was having weekly appointments just so the nurse could tell me that nothing was going on downstairs. At $35 a pop, it got pretty expensive. The appointments were scheduled early in the morning and it just made getting there impossible and interfered with work.
I am not excited about having to give up my RE. Well, to be clear, I didn't HAVE to give him up. Either way, I think leaving means that I'm definitely not getting my symptoms under wraps any time soon. When I left, I was on OCP every other day to stabilize my FSH. I never found out whether they went down or not. I also stopped the OCP. After taking them at least every other day for 2 months, I expected a cycle - but two weeks later, I have nothing.
So, I think my body is clearly trying to tell me that it's done. I don't think I'm okay with that, but I'm so busy, I don't have time to think about it. If I didn't have law and everything else occupying my time, I'd probably be sulky and broody, but I haven't really had time to think about it.
I guess when things go quiet, I can get a better indication? Until then, I'm gonna enjoy this sun!

Oh NIH, where have you been all my life... well, for the last 4 months, at least!

 A while back, read about 4 weeks ago, I stumbled across a FB group for women with POF. I wasn't entirely sure whether or not I wanted to join because not everyone knows about my POF and I certainly didn't need it on my timeline every time I posted to the group! Either way, I thought my sanity has to be worth a little bit more than my pride! I need people who understand what I'm going through and can help me through this - and I want to help others if I can, as well.
Either way, I got the message that I was accepted to the closed group yesterday! Naturally, I did the obligatory intro post: Hi, I'm Anika. I have POF and I'm devastated. To my astonishment, people responded. Not that I thought they wouldn't, but it wasn't just "Hi Anika. Welcome!" It was more like "Did you do x? What about Y? You should also try Z... it's worked for a lot of us."
So, a couple of women there mentioned that even after FSH levels elevated into the hundreds, ok 102 and 108, I believe, THEY CONCEIVED. One conceived naturally and had the profile picture to prove it.
Now, I don't mean to go back into the denial stage. I am in 3 stages simultaneously, so to get out of one would be really awesome. However, THERE IS HOPE. Maybe not in my case, but in someone's case, there is hope.
So, one of the women also gave me the website to the NIH. NIH, I LOVE YOU! There is a center, 4 hours drive from my home, that deals specifically with POF. *cue the hallelujah music* I called today and they are accepting patients for September 2012 (which coincides with my  law school start date o_O). I am going to do this, though. I owe it to myself and my broken ovaries to get answers.
I will update once I've read through the introductory packet they've ALREADY sent me (talk about efficient).
Here's the link for your perusal. I will update once I take a look through all of the info.
http://poi.nichd.nih.gov/index.html

5 stages of infertility grief

A friend asked me how I was doing and it forced me to think for a little bit. How AM I doing? The answer is not always clear-cut. Some days are better than others. For instance, last  week Wednesday was d-day for a few people I know who have fertility issues. We all had appointments and I thought we would all get exceptional news about the day, but it was the exact opposite. NO ONE got good news. You'd have to imagine that with enough days like that, one wouldn't be doing so well.

My news last week was that no follie is growing. I am being weaned off OCP once again, which I'm not too optimistic about. Add to that, the fact that infertility treatments are extremely expensive and you've got one unhappy lady this way.

If I looked at the five stages of grief as:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
I'd have to say I am toggling between anger and bargaining on any given day. It makes sense, right, I am grieving the loss of my fertility. And, not only the loss, but the unexpected loss because had this happened at 47, I don't think I'd blink nary an eye. But for it to happen 4 months after my wedding day dead smack in the middle of me saying "I think I am ready for another baby", well, that's just cruel.

I am not ready to be infertile, so every.single.time I see a snot nosed teenager on FB showing her belly pics or talking about how her "hubby", who is usually some equally underaged snot, looks so cute sleeping with their other baby, I just want to throw a chair - ANGER

Whenever I hear about people who don't invest in their children, curse out their children, don't properly nourish their children, etc..., but still manage to have FIVE, yeah... makes me want to punch a hole in a wall - ANGER

But, then, I think... maybe I will do yoga every day - BARGAINING

And juice all of my meals and take shots of wheat grass and go to bed at 7 and do EVERY.SINGLE.THING that other women don't have to do in order to get knocked up - ANGRY BARGAINING

and then... maybe, just maybe, I will get tender boobs, or nauseous after I eat my favorite meal or tired as soon as I wake up and take a test just for the heck of it to find out that we are indeed, against the odds, expecting - DENIAL

So, yeah, as you can see, we've got a long way to go. I have things keeping me busy - but not busy enough. I can only take it day by day. That's all I can do. And one day, I hope to write about my acceptance... in whichever form it takes.

FSH is back up...

I read something once that said you are only as good as your highest FSH level. Gosh, I was hoping it was LOWEST... but no. So, I'm only as good as my FSH level of 100? That level screams... "ovaries? what ovaries?" My ovaries are shriveled up lump of all things unholy. However, I need to find the positive in this. I will say that my left ovary consistently attempts to give me a follie! The right one is the turn-coat. I'm not sure whose team she's on. So, at my appointment on Wednesday, the 8mm follie from last week was long gone, but there was a new 5mm follie on the left side. The right - nada!
I am doubling up OCP for a couple of days, then taking one per day until my next appointment on the 9th. The 9th must be a good day for fertility, because another friend with POF has an appointment that day and my sister has a SONOGRAM... oh yes, she's with child :) It's not public, yet. Neither is this blog, so I can say it here! Ok. So, fingers crossed for everyone on the 9th. Let's bring back some good stories.


My FSH is 33 now. Here's the mail from the clinic after my visit on Wednesday:

Please confirm receipt of this email.Below are your blood results for today:
Estrogen: <L
FSH: 33
LH:14
 p4: 0.5


At this time, the MD has reviewed your results and your instructions are as follows:

Please be aware that since your FSH was unable to stabilize at the lower level once the MD weaned your body off the birth control pill, the MD would like you to begin taking the birth control pills again to bring the levels back down.  Your FSH was at 17 when you last monitored, however today it went back up to 33.  The MD would like to try the birth control suppression again to see if your body will be able to have the levels remain low enough to begin IVF treatment.

Please begin taking two birth control pills daily from today 5/2 until 5/5

Please decrease to ONE birth control pill daily from 5/6 until 5/8


Your next appointment is scheduled for: Wednesday May 9th, 2012 at Columbus Circle.

Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns.
Have a great day!

Introduction

Hello blogland. My name is Nik. My goal with this blog is to share my POF journey and empower women while I'm at it. POF is premature ovarian failure. I'll get into that more at a later date.
In order to understand my story, we have to rewind to August 2009. At my annual exam, my GYN diagnosed me with PCOS - polycystic ovary syndrome. He offered that as an explanation for why my cycle was absent for the majority of the year. After doing some initial research, I decided it probably wouldn't be the end of the world. He handed me provera, to bring on a cycle, clomid, to induce ovulation and metformin, to control glucose levels (but it's used off-label to treat PCOS symptoms).
I'm not sure why, but I didn't buy it. I wanted to look at holistic ways of getting my cycle back. And I did... I started to work out, eat much better and get more sleep. I got an additional cycle, but nothing to write home about.
In 2011, I got married. After 2 wonderful weeks on a Hawaiian honeymoon, I came back to a battery of doctor appointments. First up was my GP. The appointment was pretty routine, but when I went for my follow-up, I was told I had a vitamin D deficiency! I couldn't believe it. After 2 weeks in Hawaii, I STILL had a vitamin D deficiency. So, after 4 weeks of 50,000 iU vitamin D per week, my cycle returned. That convinced me more than ever that there was something chemically imbalanced. That is when I decided to see a reproductive endocrinologist (RE).
At the same time, I joined a message board for women with PCOS. My RE ran a battery of tests, put me on provera, ran more tests. My cycles were always annovulatory. I took clomid for a cycle, nothing!
In December, I went back to my RE for more provera because my cycle hadn't returned after the Nov cycle (during which I took provera). After taking the Dec pills, my cycle didn't come.
Another visit to my RE revealed the most devastating news of my TTC journey. I had an elevated FSH level. I went back two days later to have my FSH rechecked and it came back at 85!
I asked the RE what the course of treatment would be for TTC and he said "donor eggs. You're done."
I have never been so crushed in my life. What followed was pretty similar to what happened when my dad died. I only wanted to stay in bed, with the curtains drawn, and be alone. I was mourning the loss of my fertility.
I went to GNC and bought menopause pills. When I got home, I took the first pill. The warning said not to operate machinery or vehicles while on the pills. It all felt so wrong. I was NOT ready to give up. I still want a biological child with my husband. I'm going to try my hardest to make it a reality.
Once I got over the initial shock, I made an appointment at an FSH-friendly clinic in NYC. On the day of my first appointment, the doctor I was to meet was on Dr. Oz! Talking about women with fertility issues! That was my sign.
In our initial meeting, they did bloodwork and explained different courses of action for POF. The doctor decided to put me on oral contraceptives (OCP). My FSH went from 85 to 47 to 27 to 10 to 6!!!! And then something miraculous happened - a follicle started to grow!
That brings me to the present. I had the first egg retrieval procedure yesterday and they are going to attempt to fertilize the egg today. I am currently in my waiting period to see if the egg fertilizes. If it does, we will attempt to grow some more eggs and eventually do IVF.
So, there's the story. I will keep you posted ever step along the way. This is my journey to the BFP I KNOW I am going to get....
Thank you for reading!