Retrieved an egg today...

This morning, I woke up at 4am! Nerves? I'm not sure. We had an egg retrieval appointment at 8:00. Dh and I got there early and I tried to busy myself in the waiting area.

I went in for the sonogram, first, to make sure the follicle was still there. And it was - measuring a nice, plump 21mm! The doctor (a new woman I've never seen before) said my lining was good, which was comforting. I told her that if the egg fertilized, I want a fresh transfer for this cycle - not frozen.

Next was the procedure room. My instructions for retrieval day were to not wear anything with perfume - no lotion, deodorant, etc. I can survive a morning without deodorant, but I cannot survive a morning without lotion. When I changed into my hospital gown, it looked like I had fallen into a vat of flour. All for a good cause!

I felt more pain at this retrieval than I felt at the one almost exactly a year ago (2/28, I think??) But, they got the egg and Dh made his contribution, so we are just waiting. We should hear by tomorrow at 3pm whether it's viable or not. If it is viable, they will do the embryo transfer on Sunday morning at 11:45.

In the interim, I am taking progesterone suppositories 2x daily and estradiol (2mg per day).

I felt on top of the world after the procedure. I went to the mall and bought a ton of girly clothing. Since my hormones have been regulated, I've felt more like "dressing up" and accessorizing.

I'll follow up tomorrow to let you know the news from the doc!

Keep crossing those fingers!!!

Appointment results from yesterday

So, at my sonogram yesterday, there was a 15.5mm follie. I couldn't believe it! Last Friday, there were two - 4mm and 7mm, natch both on the left ovary. However, I didn't expect 15.5mm. The follie from last year did NOT grow that quickly. This is a good sign.

After my appointment, I got the following mail (truncated):

-----------------------------

Please confirm receipt of email

Hope this email finds you well. Dr. Yang reviewed your test result today and below is your medication instructions.

Blood test result:

Estradiol (E2):245

FSH:8

Luteinizing hormone (LH):11

Progesterone (P4): 0.3

As per MD, your hormone level shows that your LH is elevated. Elevated LH means that you are starting to surge on your own. Possible egg retrieval tomorrow IF the follicle is still there._ Please try to be here at 7am tomorrow for STAT blood and ultrasound.

No Nasal Spray tonight. 

-------------------------------

What a way to scare me!!! I leave the clinic talking about possibly triggering that night and get an email about coming in the very next day (today) for an egg retrieval. This train was moving at 200mph. 

So, DH and I went this morning, but the egg retrieval wasn't necessary. My LH was only 8 today - so no spike. However, my E2 levels were slightly lower - 240. Of course the crazy-lady in me hit the internet right away to see if that was a harbinger, but the sites I read seemed to think it was okay.

I am really hoping that it doesn't signify a decrease in egg quality. I asked the nurse what the E2 drop meant and she said it could mean that the egg is done maturing. 

So, I have to trigger with the nasal spray tonight. $80 nasal spray! $80 nasal spray that I had at home and DH threw away... I digress...

I have another appointment tomorrow morning and they will most likely schedule egg retrieval for Friday morning.

I haven't been to work all week because of school work, but it all works out for my appointments. It also helps that school is right around the corner from the clinic.

Please send vibes for a healthy egg retrieval, if you've got any vibes to spare!!!

If you surrender to the wind...

There is a quote by Toni Morrison that I have just been loving...

"If you surrender to the wind you can ride it" - Toni Morrison

sur·ren·der (s -r n d r). v. sur·ren·dered, sur·ren·der·ing, sur·ren·ders. v.tr. 1. To relinquish possession or control of to another because of demand or compulsion.

In my foolish youth, I saw surrender as such a dirty word! Nik doesn't surrender... she prevails... against the obstacles, against the odds.

However, I am a firm believer that you have everything within you, RIGHT NOW, to be everything you will ever need to be. 

It wasn't until I met DH that I realized there is some strength in surrender. There is some strength in having a bit of vulnerability. 

Life and love are a beautifully-orchestrated dance where sometimes it's just not your turn to lead...

If you surrender, the strength of something else can propel you. If you fight, you are not propelled as far AND you'll be worn out. 

Today I am surrendering. I am surrendering to the legal brief that desires completion. I am surrendering to the clinic making a last-minute decision to not retrieve my egg today, but wait until Friday. I am surrendering to the  desire to just take a minute for myself and to steal a couple of deep breaths and quiet time without feeling guilty.

I will ride it...

LAW

I've never met a wagon I didn't love...

And, just that quickly, I am back on the "TTC" wagon.

So, let me take a step back... and by back, I mean late December. With the year drawing to a close, I realized I still had roughly $1k in my medical spending account. My account, like many, is one of those "use it or lose it accounts". I could have let the money go to waste, but I decided to book whatever doctor appointments we would routinely have in the spring. I booked the dentist for the three of us, the optometrist and... there was still money left over... even after I bought a pair of glasses.

Well, if you'd ever paid attention to my other posts where I lamented about the cost of infertility treatments, you know that going back to the clinic was a quick way to spend some cash.

I went back, initially, to get more HRT/BCP... and, who am I kidding? I wanted to know what my FSH levels were since the night sweats were back in full force.

Naturally, they put me on the BCP right away. They wanted me to take two pills a day. I did and went for my weekly visits and at some point my FSH went down to 6 and they told me to stop. However, when I stopped, my FSH went back up to 25. So, they told me to go on, again... and something happened. I got the flu and couldn't make it in. However, I kept taking the BCP thinking that once I was over my bug, I would go in. Well, that stabilized my FSH. Once they took me off again, it didn't go back up.

Now, at that point, they were only doing bloodwork. There weren't any numbers to indicate that a follicle was growing, so they didn't give me a sonogram. FSH was stable enough (at a high 21, but stable nonetheless) but I wasn't growing a follie.

Then I got the dreaded mail. It went something like "if something doesn't happen soon, we're going to bring you in to discuss further treatment with the doctor". I was crushed! PLEASE... don't give up. Just wait a little bit and give a follie a chance to grow.

So, I went in on Valentine's day. How un-romantic. They normally draw my blood and tell me they'll email me later, but they told me to stay for a sonogram. A sonogram! And I saw it... right on the screen... two little follies. One measuring 7mm and one measuring 4mm. I'll take it!

I shared the news right away with DH and my sister. I spent the weekend trying not to do anything wrong... no coffee (although I did have wine) and just generally stayed under the radar.

Today I went back. There's a 15.5mm follie! The doctor said "this is like waiting for a bus... we have to make sure we catch it on time." I have also been instructed to carry my nasal spray with me because "you may have to trigger at any time".

If you are in the finger crossing business, please cross them... if meditation is your thing, please spare a thought... if you love candles, please light one... Whatever you do, please stand with us in solidarity to get this little follie to his/her rightful home...

Thanks for reading... and remember, LAW - love always wins...

So hard to say goodbye...

After my last post, I'd gone under the radar for a bit. Part of it was the end of the first semester of law school, which brought with it a ton of "to-do" items. The other part of it was being in super-aunt planning stealth mode! I was awaiting the arrival of my youngest sister's baby. The baby was due on 1/4/13 and I put in my bid for 12/21 so that baby and I could be birthday buddies.

On my birthday, my sister and I both took the day off and we were traipsing around the city. We had errands to run, but my sister was also feeling huge and heavy and wanted to "walk the baby out"! I even joked about giving my sister pitocin cookies to get things started.

Three days later, things were carrying on as normal. My sister had her annual Xmas eve party and baby was the center of all the jokes that imagined my sister in the hospital on Xmas day. My sister continued to insist that she thought the baby would come on the 4th of Jan.

On Xmas day, we awoke, went to my mom's house and opened gifts per the norm. My sister remarked that the baby, "Boo" as she was affectionately called, was active the night before. She felt a weird jolt and asked me to feel her stomach. When I felt her stomach, she felt a snapping sensation and rushed to the bathroom! "My water broke!" I couldn't believe my ears... the baby was coming on Xmas.

Excitement, anticipation, you name it and the air was thick with every emotion. My husband packed up the car and my sister and I went to grab a couple of last minute things from her house.

We phoned her husband and told him to make his way to the hospital PRONTO - he was off visiting family in a different part of the city.

The next hour is a blur... we checked in... the nurses told me I had to wait in the waiting room while they checked my sister (sure, pretty typical... no worries)... I waited and made small talk with the other visitors... then the nurse came and got me...

"Well, you can go ahead and sit with your sister. We were trying to find the baby's heartbeat and we couldn't, so the doctor is going to come in and check..."

Crafty baby! Turn around... stop hiding! It's Xmas... come and get your birthday song!

As I walked into the makeshift tent, I tried to forget what the nurse had just said. INCREDIBLE... I don't believe you! Get a doctor in here... he's going to find the baby's heartbeat.

Then the doctor came....

And I saw...

right on the screen... I saw a little spine... and I saw a heart... and I believe I saw chambers, but don't quote me... and it was still... quiet... peaceful.

And I squeezed my sisters hand. And the nurse started crying... she looked to my sister and I. And we looked at each other in disbelief. We came to have a baby! Where is our baby!!!??? What's next?

On December 26, 2012 at 11:52am, my sister delivered the most beautiful baby girl I have ever laid eyes on. Boo! She had the warmest, sweetest-smelling skin... and her lips were RUBY RED! Xmas baby with red lips. I never knew a heart-break like the one I knew that day.

My sister.... strongest woman on earth, in my estimation. In the midst of the curve-ball life had thrown at her, she turned to me and said... "go ahead... pick her up!"

Thank you for sharing your baby with me! I was so honored. She could have taken all of those moments to herself since she knew exactly how finite they were... but she shared Boo with me. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

The most beautiful little soul... she embodied everything that is perfect in this world. She brought to mind a Roberta Flack song....

The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes And the moon and stars were the gifts you gave To the dark and the empty skies, my love  

To the dark and the empty skies

 *Missing Boo more and more every day... born sleeping on 12/26/2012*

1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day

That's what my TTC ticker says today. It's obviously a lie. We are no longer TTC. However, it's pretty sobering to see that we started this journey over a year and a month and a week ago. Very sobering. Last year, I thought I'd be the mom of 3 month old twins or triplets by now. Well, my OB/GYN gave me clomid and said "take this and go have sex". He had no idea about the POF - because he never ran any tests - but I looked up the clomid and said "holy  moo, I'm going to have twins with this thing."
I thought about the stroller I would use. I thought about what I would name them if they were both girls... or if one was a boy and the other was a girl. I thought about how we would have to move the bookshelves out of our third bedroom to make it a nursery. Then, I thought, well, maybe DH and I could take the smaller bedroom and give the twins the master bedroom. I knew where each crib would go and where our two gliders would be... and, yes, we needed two so DH could rock one to bed and I could, too. And I thought about how cheesy our xmas card would look and how I wouldn't waste this maternity leave away like I did when I had dd. I thought about how I would still attempt to exclusively breast feed the babies for 6 months, just like I did with dd and how I would take them to gymboree classes.
If any part of my plan were to get sidetracked, I only anticipated that it would be the timing of it all... what if I didn't have the babies in July, but August or September, instead? However, I never thought I would be an evening law student with an 8 year old an no babies. I never thought I would have warm legs every night due to hot flashes and grief/anger/denial about it all.
No, not one year into it... not one year and one week into it... and certainly not one year, one month, one week and one day...

:(

That is all... that's how I'm feeling. ABOUT EVERYTHING!
And while I'm quite cognizant that I've got absolutely nothing to pout about... I mean, there is some person in some remote part of the world who doesn't have running water/heat/food or something else he or she needs. I don't NEED anything.
I am still feeling *blah*, though.
I feel like no one understands what I'm going through. Bless their hearts for trying, but they don't REALLY "get" it... they just love me and say they get it so I won't feel alone. But knowing they REALLY don't get it is the loneliest thing ever.
:(
The hot flashes are back. The irritability is back. The feelings of despair are back.
Not to mention, EVERY.SINGLE.PERSON in the world has taken an interest in my uterus. Being in law school hasn't bought me an out, either.
"Why don't you guys have a baby now? You can do it!"
I'm sure they  mean well. Sometimes, I want to scream:
BECAUSE I CAN'T, okay!!! I JUST CAN'T!
But that won't help things any... so, instead, I make up some crummy joke about 1 being enough and not having time with law school and all. And then I come home and feel horrible because I have no eggs!
*sigh*