1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day

That's what my TTC ticker says today. It's obviously a lie. We are no longer TTC. However, it's pretty sobering to see that we started this journey over a year and a month and a week ago. Very sobering. Last year, I thought I'd be the mom of 3 month old twins or triplets by now. Well, my OB/GYN gave me clomid and said "take this and go have sex". He had no idea about the POF - because he never ran any tests - but I looked up the clomid and said "holy  moo, I'm going to have twins with this thing."
I thought about the stroller I would use. I thought about what I would name them if they were both girls... or if one was a boy and the other was a girl. I thought about how we would have to move the bookshelves out of our third bedroom to make it a nursery. Then, I thought, well, maybe DH and I could take the smaller bedroom and give the twins the master bedroom. I knew where each crib would go and where our two gliders would be... and, yes, we needed two so DH could rock one to bed and I could, too. And I thought about how cheesy our xmas card would look and how I wouldn't waste this maternity leave away like I did when I had dd. I thought about how I would still attempt to exclusively breast feed the babies for 6 months, just like I did with dd and how I would take them to gymboree classes.
If any part of my plan were to get sidetracked, I only anticipated that it would be the timing of it all... what if I didn't have the babies in July, but August or September, instead? However, I never thought I would be an evening law student with an 8 year old an no babies. I never thought I would have warm legs every night due to hot flashes and grief/anger/denial about it all.
No, not one year into it... not one year and one week into it... and certainly not one year, one month, one week and one day...

:(

That is all... that's how I'm feeling. ABOUT EVERYTHING!
And while I'm quite cognizant that I've got absolutely nothing to pout about... I mean, there is some person in some remote part of the world who doesn't have running water/heat/food or something else he or she needs. I don't NEED anything.
I am still feeling *blah*, though.
I feel like no one understands what I'm going through. Bless their hearts for trying, but they don't REALLY "get" it... they just love me and say they get it so I won't feel alone. But knowing they REALLY don't get it is the loneliest thing ever.
:(
The hot flashes are back. The irritability is back. The feelings of despair are back.
Not to mention, EVERY.SINGLE.PERSON in the world has taken an interest in my uterus. Being in law school hasn't bought me an out, either.
"Why don't you guys have a baby now? You can do it!"
I'm sure they  mean well. Sometimes, I want to scream:
BECAUSE I CAN'T, okay!!! I JUST CAN'T!
But that won't help things any... so, instead, I make up some crummy joke about 1 being enough and not having time with law school and all. And then I come home and feel horrible because I have no eggs!
*sigh*

Law School

...is good. I either hear horror stories about how people absolutely hate it or absolutely love it. I know it's only week 3, but I have trended toward the latter. If you're going to spend $140k on something, you should LOVE it.

So, right before law school, I did the whole POAS thing hoping that it would be a BFP and I could scrap this whole silly notion of sitting in a classroom until 10pm 4 nights a week for 4 years. But, there was no BFP to be had that day, so I packed up my 200 pound bookbag and went on my merry way.

School has sucked every ounce of free time out of my life - kissing my husband is a luxury, now. I have to decide whether to sleep or read, most days. As a result, this blog has overgrown weeds and other signs of neglect. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to find my footing, but I haven't given up the good fight!

At this point, I am not TTC. However, I'm still paying very close attention to my body and trying to love it. I'm not doing a great job - I still eat like crap most days, I haven't exercised in over a year and sleep? what's that?

I do plan to get on more really soon. I'm going to try to get most of my posts done on Saturdays/Sundays and then scheduled to post.

Stay tuned!

For those of you in NYC: Columbia's new fertility workshops!

If you are in the NYC area, Columbia University has come out with their new fertility workshop schedule for Fall 2012/Spring 2013. I literally squealed when I checked the mail.

There is one that I'd really like to go to on January 16th: Understanding Ovarian Reserve

Hop on over to their website and see if there's anything that interests you. It's free and it's Columbia - they have some of the best fertility doctors around.

Best of luck!

http://columbiafertility.org/resources/PFEW0812_0213.pdf

BFN!

So, for those of you not down with the TTC (trying to conceive) lingo, BFP means big fat positive... you can deduce what BFN means.

Let me start by saying, I knew in the back of my head that there was no way I was pregnant. However, a few things happened and got me started... my aunt dreamt fish (I know it's superstitious, but hey...), my boobs got tender and full again and I started cramping, I was nauseous for the better part of the week and my mid-section feels full. Now, I knew with about 99.999% certainty that it was not a pregnancy, but most likely my body just being its silly old self.

Against my better judgment, I bought a pregnancy test  four pregnancy tests. They were on sale. Buy two, get two half off. I'm not sure what I need with more tests than I have eggs, but I love a bargain. After my husband picked me up from school, I asked him to take me to the pharmacy. My daughter asked if she could come in with me, but I didn't need her all up in my business, so I told her I would get her a surprise if she stayed in the car. I was in and out of the store in less than 5 minutes, with a huge ball in hand to distract her.

My husband knew right away. He said "you bought a test, didn't you". In my entire relationship with this man, I have probably only bought 2 pregnancy tests, so I'm not sure how he guessed it right away. I 'fessed up and told him that before I start school I want to be absolutely certain and then told him of my symptoms.

With that, he dropped me at home and I took the test.

I knew. I knew it was a no. And I told him this much because he was jittery and hopeful and I didn't want him to think we had a chance. And, in the end, after two minutes, I had one line... one LONELY line. I held the test at several different angles and it was still one line. I left it for an extra minute and tried to pretend I needed to dust the shelf in the bathroom... but still... one... line.

I'm not sure why I did it to myself. And now I've got 3 more tests taunting me that I know I will probably never have any use for.

So, I guess that is my sign. I am meant to start law school. There is no turning back, now. A part of me still feels like I am supposed to be a mom again, but I guess it's just not meant to be...

Just saw the ticker at the top of my page...

And it says we've been TTC for 11 months. I can't say that we've actually been TTC for 11 months because we actually are at the point where we are not timing, measuring, tracking nor going to appointments for anything. At some point, I hope to get back on the wagon - I'm not sure it'll happen while I'm in law school, which will be the next 4 years. Once I'm done with law school, I've got a feeling that the last thing on my mind will be having a baby.

I'm starting to feel like our ship may have REALLY sailed and I'm not sure if I'm okay with that. Going to law school every night is a constant reminder that I am infertile because the original plan was that I would go to law school ONLY if I didn't get pregnant. Every single school night, I'm made to remember "you are here because you are not pregnant" because had I gotten pregnant, I wouldn't have even thought to pursue this dream.

Law school has been good for me. It's a great outlet, it's extremely interesting and I'm meeting tons of great people. However, with all that being said, I'd much rather have a ticker that says "your baby is now 2 months old"...

How does a hot flash feel?

That is what my husband just asked me. I actually didn't know how to describe it. I've been getting them at night, lately. It feels like I am engulfed in flames for just a short period and I can't get my clothes off quickly enough. Then, just as quickly as it started, it ends and I have to pull a cover over my newly-naked legs! What a roller coaster.