Survivor's guilt & delinquency

I know I have been MIA for quite a bit. I do apologize. The primary reason is that Pumpkin is into everything you can imagine. Six months flew by and I find myself wondering where time has gone. The secondary reason is that I started this blog to serve as a resource for women with pof who needed a place to sound off. I have gotten wonderful feedback from so many of you and I've met a bunch of great people through th is forum, but I do feel a slight twinge of guilt. For one, I want ALL of my readers to be able to experience what I am and this does not seem like the place to post pics of my growing bundle! However, I would love to introduce you guys to him.
So, feedback time. I'm ready to blog more about pof... share life after baby, new symptoms, etc. But, I will only do that if people want that. So, tell me... am I over thinking this?

38w6d: might be game time, folks!

I'm going to attempt a shower, then call my doc.

32w3d: a rare pic of me with the hubster!

I am due for a belly pic, as well. I need to get on that!

28w6d: summer's over.... we're back in business!

19w3d: exhausted with a side of "a reveal cake"!!!

Pumpkin is a BOY!!!!!!

13w4d: NT scan last Friday and a clear sono pic with a human-looking baby!!!

It's amazing how much of a difference 3 weeks make. When I had my 10w sono, Pumpkin still looked like a little blob of a gummy bear. However, at my NT scan last week, I could see full facial features. Pumpkin was being so adorable, too... opening and closing his/her (although I'm leaning towards his) mouth and moving all over the place. I still don't have much of a bump, but Pumpkin is super busy in there!

I bought a doppler a couple of weeks ago. I was a little bit bummed that I hadn't heard the heartbeat - even though I was having appointments and everything was fine. Well, Dh and I FINALLY heard a solid heartbeat yesterday. I listened again this morning. It's the best thing. I'll take a recording and try to post it here.

Other than that, one more final tomorrow. I am taking a much-needed study break. I am about to lose my mind!

To anyone experiencing infertility, miscarriage or infant loss... you are in my thoughts!

12w6d: NT scan tomorrow and I am so not ready...

Sorry for being MIA - law exams. I have not done anything outside of eating, sleeping and studying... that includes keeping up with my blog... and apparently doing the pre-screening for the NT scan. I was supposed to prick my finger at home (um, no) and mail it in a week before my appointment (absolutely didn't happen). The appointment is tomorrow... the prick kit is on my bed. *sigh*
I can't be the only pregnant woman to have done this... lol.

11w3d: The book give-away winner!!!

And the winner is....

Krystal Knobloch

Krystal, you've got one week to claim your prize!!! Leave a comment on this post and I will tell you how to reach me :)

Congratulations!!!!

10w2d:What a week!

 

The picture of Pumpkin, above, is the one I got yesterday at my OB appointment, but I have a lot of back-tracking to do... this has been quite a week. I missed half of my classes (thank goodness there's only one more week of school left...)

Wed: 9w5d - I met with the new OB (let's call them Dr. Posh) from the practice that only delivers at my dream hospital. My dream hospital is like the taj mahal of birthing options. HOWEVER, this practice seems to cater to women who don't work. The appointments are all at arbitrary times of the day and are only Mon-Fri. Additionally, they don't do routine sonograms. If you need a sonogram, they send you to their "off-site sonographer" which is YET another appointment after which you have a follow-up with Dr. Posh. I mentioned my discomfort with not being "monitored" and Dr. P let me know that I could schedule an appointment for a sono on Monday if I wanted. So, I've taken a day off from work to go and have a sono. Somehow, I don't think this is going to work. Dr. P was VERY thorough and knew her stuff through and through. I told her about my history and my sister's history. I handed her the letter from New Hope. We chatted for a good 30 minutes and I left feeling like I had hit the jackpot, but without the sono to assuage my never-ending fears! She took about 12 vials of blood, performed an internal exam, then sent me on my way.

Thu: 9w6d - Work was stressful. That's nothing new. While I was on a TWO HOUR call with one of our offshore teams, I started to get crampy. I was starving at that point, so I didn't think anything of it. When the meeting was finally over, I rushed to the bathroom to relieve myself. When I wiped, I noticed a little bit of pinkish brown on the TP. NOOOOOOOO.... Every crazy thought imaginable went through my head. I was still crampy. Naturally, I hit the interwebs to find out of anyone else out of the 7B people on earth had ever been through this. I found solidarity in a November 2013 birth club I belong to. One of the women said that she'd had an internal exam, as well, and saw a little bit of blood afterwards. The cramping was persistent, so I decided to skip school. I went home, kicked my feet up and went to bed at some ridiculous hour - even before my 9 year old did. 

Fri: 10w0d - At this point, I realized that when I booked my appointment with Dr. P, I'd forgotten to cancel my appointment with my old OB - the one who delivered DD, but is only affiliated with a hospital I refuse to ever set foot in again (or so I thought). We'll call him Dr. TnT for tried and true! I was still cramping on Friday, but hadn't wiped any blood since early that morning. Either way, a trip to Dr. TnT couldn't hurt!

Sat: 10w1d - DH, DD and I head out to Dr. TnT first thing in the morning. I couldn't wait to see Pumpkin on the monitor. I made DH and DD wait outside until we verified everything was okay. And it was! DD loved seeing Pumpkin bounce all over the screen - oh, how much of a difference a week makes! Pumpkin was definitely larger, even though Dr. TnT did not date me. I was so relieved that everything was going well. So, at the end of the appointment, Dr. TnT was telling me about the changes that have happened since I was last there (for this purpose) NINE years ago. They deliver at a new hospital (cue the cherubs signing!!) because they got a lot of complaints from the old hospital. The other change was the NT scan that most docs do in the first trimester. So, Dr. TnT sent me on my way with my welcome packet of prenatals and a referral for the NT scan. Dr. TnT also told me to make an appointment for four weeks out (ON A SATURDAY) to meet with him again. As much as I love the Posh doctors, I don't think it'll make sense to go to them. So, I think I'm gonna stick it out with Dr. TnT. All's well that ends well! I've attached the pic of Pumpkin from yesterday. He/She is looking down. You can see the head (takes after DH). Now I'm off to catch up on everything else... including this book give-away!

9w4d: make room for baby

 

It may be a bit early, but since our schedules tend to be on the jam-packed side, Dh is trying to make room for Pumpkin early. We have 3 bedrooms, so what used to serve as an office will now be Pumpkin's nursery. 

In our house, we have 9 bookshelves (maybe more, actually). In addition to the 9 bookshelves, we have a closet in the office that has been doubling as a book nook. We love books, but we can't have the books overpowering the humans. 

Dh and I went through an exercise this morning and started to purge some of the books. This is not even the tip of the iceburg. I couldn't get everything in the view of the camera, but there are books to the left that are being donated. The books toward the lower part of the picture are being "sold" and the books at the top are a mixture of keep/shred.

Please ignore the boot/sneaker mix in the middle of the pile. Where the three bookshelves are on the left used to hold our shoe rack and Dh thought it a good idea to just throw the shoes in the pile. 

I do not have a decorating bone in my body, hence my fling with pinterest earlier this year. We'll see how it all goes. Wish us luck, folks! 

9w3d: A book give-away

When I first found out I had POF, I went straight to the internet. I reckon I probably just typed in "POF: what now?" or something of the sort. I found a number of blogs (ok, maybe 2) and message boards. On one of the message boards, that was specifically for PCOS, not POF, I met another woman who responded to my post there and said she had POF, as well.

She recommended Julia Indichova's book, Inconceivable. I was willing to try everything. My husband doesn't believe that I read the book in 2 hours flat. I was that enthralled. I was at the beginning of y diagnosis and would have tried ANYTHING.

I cut meat out of my diet right away (and that only lasted two weeks). I stopped drinking coffee - instead I had a green shake every morning. I even tried acupuncture. I did not try the yoga and I could not bring myself to try the wheatgrass. However, that cycle that I employed the techniques of Ms. Indichova was the cycle that I grew the cracked egg. Maybe it would have worked had I done it for longer.

 Ms. Indichova did manage to conceive. If my memory serves me correctly, her FSH was above 20 in the month she conceived naturally. I don't want to reveal too much of the story, so if reading is your thing, I definitely think you should read this book. If reading is not your thing, you should still read it. It's not a difficult read at all.

Either way, as a lover of books, I do believe they are for sharing. So, if anyone would like to win this book give-away, please leave a comment on this post and I will pick a winner I will have DD pick a winner (randomly).

Good luck!

9w2d: Look who's growing so nicely!

 

  When I had my appointment on Thursday, I could see a difference in the size of Pumpkin with my naked eye. I decided to put all three photos together for comparison. 

At 6w6d, measuring 7w0d, Pumpkin was 9.17mm.

At 7w6d, measuring 8w0d, Pumpkin was 16.07mm.

At 8w6d, measuring 9w1d, Pumpkin was 24.15mm.

I know I can't be the only person fascinated by the growth of a human embryo. I keep telling dh that it's so interesting that Pumpkin knows "what to do". 

Apologies about the book and the cd in the picture. I had to flatten out these sono pics, somehow.

9w1d: Graduation from RE - pomp & circumstance

 

 I've never met a graduation I didn't love. While some people loathe the speeches, the endless sitting in an inappropriate venue sweating at the brow, the seemingly never-ending stream of people you don't know only to realize your graduate is coming through the other entrance... the one waaay on the other side of the room. Yeah, I get it. However, I have always loved graduations. Furthermore, I have always loved MY graduations. Maybe that explains why I enrolled in law school at the ripe old age of 30-cough-something, despite already having an advanced degree. I get one more shot at a graduation...

However, Thursday's graduation was of a different variety. Pumpkin (measuring 9w1d on Thursday) graduated from New Hope Fertility Center. It was bittersweet. I paid my final bill - but got another one in the mail this morning that doesn't match, so more on that later. I got another fuzzy sonogram picture (gotta love the blob). I got a letter to take to my new OB - I get to meet her on Wednesday, and I can't wait! I got a cd of "powerful music by Mozart", which is RIGHT up my alley. AND, in a weird twist of events, when I got back from my RE appointment, someone at work gave me back the copy of Inconceivable I had loaned her in the Fall (when she came to me crying about her high FSH levels). So, Thursday was a day of new beginnings, sans the junior band playing pomp and circumstance. 

This is such an exciting and important step. I am so happy to have made it here. I can definitely feel my mid-section expanding. I know my uterus is supposedly only the size of a grapefruit, but I am feeling quite pregnant, now - and nauseated... in case any one of the two readers of my blog wondered.

When I finished up with my sonogram there, I asked the nurse what happens after I have my baby: "will you guys call me? should I call you?" She looked at me with puzzlement and said "uh, we'll probably call you... or you can call us... whatever works." Hahaha... I'm sure they won't miss me one bit, but I'm kinda gonna miss those guys!

8w2d: this li'l guy is my new bff

The weekend cold and general crappy feeling is back. I broke out my little Vicks inhaler for some relief. I'm starting to think it's actually allergies - I must be allergic to rest. Either way, this steam treatment feels really good right about now. Sorry for being MIA, but I seriously don't have an ounce of energy to spare. I'll be around again, soon.

I had another sonogram on Thursday. Baby measured 8w exactly, was positioned on the left side of my uterus and the HB was 155bps. I have my final appointment with the RE and then I graduate to my OB. I'll update you on that in a bit...

7w1d: Told DD the news...

8 year olds are so insightful. I thought she would drive me nuts but, surprisingly, she didn't! I wanted to wait until I was a bit further along, but she found the books I bought at Barnes & Noble. If you know anything about me, you know that the minute I have a life-changing event, I go to BnN and use it as my excuse to buy more books! Well, I bought her a sibling book and she sort of found it, so I saw no need to hold back.

She keeps referring to the baby as "she". I thought that was pretty interesting, so I inquired: Do you think the baby's a girl? She responded: "Well, if it's a girl, that would be AWESOME. But, a boy would be great, too. All I want is a baby who is healthy and alive. For aunty's baby, I asked for her to be healthy... and she was healthy, but she was not alive. So, now this time I have to make sure I say healthy AND alive."

Boy do I love this little girl. Here I was thinking she would be completely mortified if she got a brother. Not at all...

6w6d: heartbeat... you make me feel so sweet!

Had my first sono today! Pumpkin is measuring 7w0d and everything seems to be right on target. I didn't get a chance to ask the nurse how many bpms for Pumpkins heart. Dh was there at the beginning of the appointment, but missed the sono because NYC parking sucks and he had to move the car.
I have two more appointments at the fertility clinic, then they release me to my OB.

6w5d: who is the sweetest man on earth?

Dh is! Omigosh, I have had the wind knocked out of my sails, lately. I keep telling myself that it's general first trimester loveliness. I bought a new fantastic bra the other day and they make my tender breasts feel so much better. When I told dh about it, he asked why I hadn't bought more and I told him that bras are expensive! Well, I came home to find two more bras, a card and skittles. Skittles make the world a better place... so does dh. I love him!

6w1d: Had a final beta yesterday!

Yesterday I went in for my final beta. I can't say that I was looking forward to it. On Sunday, my beta was over 3,000 and I read somehwere (I'm always reading something somewhere) that you can see a sac once the beta gets above 1,000. I really didn't understand why they kept having me in.

Either way, I got the email yesterday at noon and my beta was over 10,000... no more betas! I plugged the betas into the beta calculator and the doubling times are good! Thank goodness. Like I said in my last post - I don't mind sonograms, but please don't take any more of my blood!

I have a sonogram on Thursday at 6w6d. The best news is that dh will be able to come because schools are out this week. We can't wait to meet you, Pumpkin!!!

Here's the mail from the clinic:

Estrogen 578
Progesterone 35
HCG 10,907

Instructions:
Please continue the medications as instructed
Please refrain from heavy lifting, running/jogging, and strenous activities

Your next appointment is scheduled for Thursday, 3/28/13, for your first
ultrasound. Please be advised no blood work is necessary anymore.

5w5d: A hormonal wreck

Maybe I can't blame the hormones. Maybe it's just me? All I know is that I cannot wait for Saturday, so that I can sleep in (FXd) and stay in bed all day long. I am really looking forward to that. I am tired, but beyond that, I am just so hormonal it's a shame. I don't really want to be in public nowadays. I joined a buddy board for expectant moms (Nov. 2013 version) and I seem to not be alone.

I wonder if I'll be able to resist the urge to compare everything with this pregnancy to my pregnancy with DD. With DD, I was a happy little camper. I felt energized (maybe not so much in the first trimester?) Right now, however, I am just feeling like sleeping and generally not being bothered by much. I guess we can chalk it up to the 10 year difference between pregnancies? Whatever it is, please get me a bed and let me at it!!!

zzzzz

On another note, aren't these the cutest things ever? Guess who's ordering them? Maybe not the exact same ones, but something similar...