Felt like giving up...

I'm not proud of that fact, but the past couple of days have been a little bit of a low point for me. I guess it all started on Wednesday when I had my appointment at the clinic. I used my time there to also square away my mounting bill. I paid it in full to the tune of $912!!! Yes, $912 USD! Do you know what I could do with $912? That was the primary thought running through my head. $555 of that $912 was for the cracked egg retrieval. I had to pay half a grand for them to retrieve a scrambled egg. So, of course, I took to the internet to see what the odds were of them ever retrieving an egg that was worth $5, much less $555 and the stats weren't encouraging.
The other thing that made the $912 news seem so insurmountable was the follie check. Do you remember the two follies measuring around 8mm just a week before? Well, I guess they were on vacation. Now there's only a 9mm follie. And, I'm not saying "ONLY" to sound like an ingrate, but that means that I'm embarking on another natural IVF cycle. So, I have my next appointment on Tuesday, 2-May to see how that follie is developing and I'm taking OCP every other day until 30-April.
So, here's the mail from the clinic until Tuesday. I will update as soon as I know something more:

This email to inform you about your bloodwork results and your instructions for today, April 25th, 2012:

E2 133

FSH 17

LH 10

Progesterone 0.6

Dr.Wong reviewed your results, please see your instructions below :

• Please continue with birth control pills, 1 tablet, every other day. Last pill on 4/30/12.

• Please return to office on 5/2/12 at 9am, to Columbus Circle location, for bloodwork and ultrasound.

Please let me know if you have any questions regarding this email.

Thank you and have a great day.

It's been a while...

I took the girl to Jamaica to celebrate her birthday. We were there for only 5 short days, but the lead-up and wind-down have taken more out of me than I realized. We got back on Wednesday night - 18-April. I had an appointment on Thursday morning. I had been taking birth control pills every other day and having crazy twinges every single day - which I attributed to the shock therapy I got at acupuncture.
Well, not sure if it was the shock therapy or the fact that I was forced to relax, even if for only 5 days, but I have two follicles growing. There was the obligatory one on the left side - which always seems to be there. HOWEVER, there was one on the right side as well. I have never seen anything but dust on that side, so I was happy for the news. On Thursday, they were measuring 7.5mm on the right and 8mm on the left.
Grow follies, grow! I have an appointment on Wednesday to check on them. Until them, I'm taking prenatals every day and OCP every other day. Fingers crossed. I'm feeling hopeful!

Fried eggs!

This week, at my acupuncture appointment, she introduced electricity! I nearly died when she attached the node to my foot - voltage was too high? However, she put two nodes on my "ovaries" and let it run for 10 mins! OUCH. I have had this constant throbbing pain ever since AND I had some weird chalky, brown discharge yesterday... no red flow.
If there were any eggs left in these sucky ovaries of mine, I hope she didn't fry them!

According to Cheri22

                                                      I got my reading today!!!

Here's the full message: 

They are showing me a GIRL and they relate her to MAY so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in.

I wonder if Cheri22 knows that I have POF. I hope it holds up, either way.

I guess we shall see..

Acupuncture is...

...heavenly! So, first things first. I didn't know if I would like my acupuncturist because she has a very weird way of dealing with patients (me). She called me the morning of my appointment to ask if I could come a little earlier so she could "fit more patients in". That was a turn-off. Also, during the initial phone consult, she asked me how I was getting to her office. She always seems so interested in me making it there on time and my mode of transport.
All of that aside, acupuncture is AWESOME. So, we had the initial questions and she asked why I was there. She kept insisting that I looked GREAT. She said I didn't look my age. I told here I was tired and usually am. She asked to see my tongue. When I showed it to her, she said "You thirsty!!" I told her I was, in fact, not thirsty and she asked if I was sure. On to the fun part...
The needles weren't nearly as bad as I thought they would be. She said she had to balance my hormones and also that my qi was not balanced. She also said I have a digestion issue (after looking at the eczema on my arms).
After she inserted the needles - in my ears, head, abdomen, shins and ankles - she left me there to rest for 30 minutes. She told me to focus on breathing in deeply. I breathed deeper than I've ever done before.
When my 30 minutes were up, she came back and took the needles out. I have another appointment for next Thursday. When I left, I felt EXHAUSTED. I don't know why.
Oh, and I was thirsty... apparently, she knew what she was talking about!

It was bound to happen...

I had SUCH a rough day today. I got THIS mail from the clinic today and then I just broke down:

Below are your lab results for today:

Estrogen <low

FSH 61

LH 21

Progesterone 0.3

MD has reviewed your results and here are your instructions:

From 3/20 to 3/26, please take TWO tablets of birth control pills.

From 3/27 to 3/28, please take ONE tablet of birth control pill.

Your next monitoring appointment is on 3/29/12 for bloodwork only.

Thank you.

----------------
Throw me a bone, please, universe! For the first time since this whole infertility diagnosis, I cried like a baby - right there at my desk. The weight was too much to bear today. At my appointment, there was not even the promise of a follicle. There was the cyst from last week, which was measuring 4mm, but nothing else. I have YET to see any activity whatsoever from my right ovary. The left one was blah today, too. I love (well, not really LOVE, I'm being sarcastic) when they say "your ovaries are quiet". No, quiet can be a good thing... my ovaries are not quiet, they are BROKEN. And, honestly, today I just want ovaries that work. Is that too much to ask?
So, now I have to take bcp again... to artificially lower my FSH levels again. Please let there be a better way. PLEASE.
And let's talk about the estrogen levels... what in the world is <low? Does that mean my estrogen levels are practically negative? I know it doesn't, but come on estrogen! Show up for the appointments, will you!!?
For now, all I can do is follow doctor's orders. I just hope I'm not standing in the same place in three years. Fingers crossed.
On another note, I went to my gyn, who delivered DD, and there was a pamphlet staring right in my face. There are a series of education workshops being put on by Columbia University surrounding fertility. The one tomorrow (as luck would have it) is on donor eggs. A part of me wants to go. They're not having that particular workshop again. They do have another I want to attend: Understanding Ovarian Reserve. It's on May 30th, but that's just around the corner.
I saw it as a little sign that the universe was saying "despite your day, I haven't given up on you, yet".
Anyway, tomorrow can ONLY be better. Thanks for making it this far!

Who do you tell?

?

Today I was casually talking to one of my co-workers when I slipped up about the acupuncture appointment. It naturally worked into conversation. We were talking about drinks for another co-worker, to which I'd already RSVPd yes, and I was telling him that it's actually a "no". He asked why and, before I could catch myself, I said "I have my acupuncture appointment that day".
"Acupuncture?" he inquired "why the heck do you need acupuncture?" And before I knew it, I was lying "You know I get terrible migraines... maybe it'll help."
When he walked away, I felt like such a loser. Did I really have to lie about my infertility? Why couldn't I just be honest. But a part of me felt like it wasn't really information I need to share with him. While I am close with this particular co-worker, I don't want to have to talk to him about my girl parts, working or not. He's the same co-worker who jokes that I'm pregnant all the time.When he does, I say "Trust me, I'm not". I wish people knew more about infertility and it didn't carry so much of a stigma. Maybe the stigma is in my head. Either way, I'm not quite ready to talk about it with every random person in my life.
So, how did you distinguish who to tell and who not to?